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lojay85
New User
Jun 21, 2008, 7:12 AM
Post #1 of 4
(753 views)
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My Fiance would like to ask my daughters for my hand in marriage
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My fiance would like to ask my daughters, ages 15, 14, and 11 for my hand in marriage. We are both divorced parents. He has two boys ages 7 and 9. My question is should he ask them and include them in the ring buying or should I be the one to talk to them first about it. My girls love him to death and we have been together for over 2 years.
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the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator
/ Moderator
Jun 21, 2008, 10:51 AM
Post #2 of 4
(747 views)
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Re: [lojay85] My Fiance would like to ask my daughters for my hand in marriage
[In reply to]
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I understand that you're trying to keep them involved and want them to feel as though this is a family decision, but it's not.
I would avoid asking the kids since that gives them the perception that they are in the driver's seat. Parent's need to be in control and kids actually want that, although they don't realize it when they are young. Plus, what would you do if they said no? 
It would be better if you announce the wedding plans to your kids and then give them choices about how they could be involved. Be prepared with choices like readings, handing out programs, making and addressing invitations and those sorts of tasks. If you have decided to light a family unity candle then explain how that will be done and it's significance (uniting all of you as a a family).
Best Wishes,
I Do - Take Two Site Administrator
(This post was edited by the_admin on Jun 21, 2008, 10:52 AM)
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Partner4Success
SOCIAL WORKER
Jun 22, 2008, 6:32 PM
Post #3 of 4
(739 views)
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Re: [lojay85] My Fiance would like to ask my daughters for my hand in marriage
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Hi,
I have to agree 100% with the admin. While the kids will be a part of this family, this is your MARRIAGE. It is an adult decision.
My thought exactly when the admin said, what will you do if they said "no." I know you aren't expecting that. This is a big deal and no matter how much they love your boyfriend, they need to hear this information from you.
Absolutely, include them in different aspects of the planning, but the decision needs to be yours and your boyfriend's.
Best wishes!
Alyssa Johnson - Clinical social worker.
Remarriage Success E-Book
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yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
/ Moderator
Jun 23, 2008, 9:33 PM
Post #4 of 4
(734 views)
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Re: [lojay85] My Fiance would like to ask my daughters for my hand in marriage
[In reply to]
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I agree with what you've heard so far and would just add that although you fully don't expect them to say "no" to the idea of you getting married to this man, my experience, personal and otherwise, is that things can get a bit more complicated and uncertain for the children following the wedding when things are now permanent. That doesn't mean their feeling will change, but they can't anticipate what it will be like, and if for any reason they have doubts afterward and feel like they were responsible for making a wrong decision, then that would be too much weight for any young children to bear. Besides which all the other good reasons for which you don't want to give them the impression that this is their decision. This is far too much pressure, power and responsibility for them to experience at a young age.
I think your gesture is really all about demonstrating just how important they are to both of you and that's wonderful so do it in ways that are absolutely fitting and represent a sense of inclusiveness in your new life together. I would suggest that if you want to, it would be absolutely fitting for the two of you to share your news with them together under the favorable circumstances you have presented.
Best of luck in your new adventure and life together.
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca
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