Ask the Experts

Home: Second Weddings: Becoming a Blended Family:
Messy House

DCAurora
Novice

Post #1 of 8 (6278 views)

Messy House

My step daughter NEVER picks up after herself. I have mentioned it for 5 or 6 months now and nothing has changed. I have talked to my wife about it. I have offered 'rewards' (this works, but only in the short term). Is this just one of those things where you choose your battles and I should accept it? I REALLY don't want to live amongst all her crap all over the house, and I mean ALL over the house.

the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator / Moderator

Post #2 of 8 (6269 views)

Re: [DCAurora] Messy House [In reply to]

That's not something I could accept but if your wife refuses you may have to.

How old is this child?

Here's what I used to do when my kids were younger (ages 7 or 8 and above depending on the childs maturity level). Whenever I found any of their things lying around (this includes dishes and food!) I would put them in a basket and at the end of the day dump it out onto their bed. It may sound harsh but when they couldn't get into bed at night they cleaned it up pronto. I must warn you that it didn't work right away and we had some arguements over it. These were my natural children so with a stepdaughter I would be sure to ask her mother to handle this. Otherwise you end up the bad guy.

Also, I did this with the clean, folded laundry, before they did their own.

Good luck.
I Do - Take Two Moderator

DCAurora
Novice

Post #3 of 8 (6268 views)

Re: [the_admin] Messy House [In reply to]

She is 13; old enough to pick up after herself. Believe me, I am getting TOO used to being the 'bad guy'.

It's funny you mentioned the "dumping the stuff of the bed" routine, because that is EXACTLY what I have suggested doing.

Thank you VERY much for making me feel like I'm not being unreasonable here. I just never know; it's kind of 2 against 1 here and I get tired of always being the 'wrong' one, you know? It's comforting to know that another adult thinks I'm not being unreasonable. Thank you very much for that!!

the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator / Moderator

Post #4 of 8 (6266 views)

Re: [DCAurora] Messy House [In reply to]

Yes, 13 is old enough to assume responsibility for ones belongings. Hopwever, you haven't mentioned if your wife is annoyed by the childs habits. If your wife doesn't mind having a messy house then you might be fighting a losing battle. If she cares about the mess but doesn't think the child should do the work then maybe you could tell your wife to clean it up until she thinks the dauhghter is ready to assume this responsibility.

I don't advocate for that answer since she would be doing the child a great disservice but it may make you feel better. To quote the president "It's hard work", lol, but if this child is to be a productive member of society she will have to learn to get along in a group and maintain responsibilities. Unfortunately, our generation is raising a new gerneration of ENTITLED kids that are impossible to live with when they are older teens and young adults. Try to impress this on your wife. Do you want to raise an ENTITLED child, one that thinks the entire world owes her a living? She is setting her daughter up for possible failure here. I know it's way easier to just clean up yourself but believe me, that "hard work" will make it all worthwile later on for all of you!

How is this affecting your relationship with your wife?
I Do - Take Two Moderator

DCAurora
Novice

Post #5 of 8 (6255 views)

Post deleted by DCAurora [In reply to]

the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator / Moderator

Post #6 of 8 (6254 views)

Re: [DCAurora] Messy House [In reply to]

What happened that got the discussion "heated"? If possible, try to discuss at a time when things are not a mess (if there is such a time!) and when you are both calm. Be sure to focus on the child and her behavior, rather than your annoyance at the mess. Really make it clear that you have more concern for giving this child the building blocks that will heelp her move on to a life of autonomy.

I feel strongly about these issues for two reasons. One...my own mother died when I was 15 (had a 17 yr old sister and 12 yr old brother). Growing up we all had chores each Saturday and dishes during the week. We hated it at the time and I do recall cursing her sometimes but, when she passed and my dad was working, at least we had the skills necessary to function. We all knew how to cook, do laundry and even write checks! It wasn't a pervfect situation, hey...we were kids, but we survived! Two...My husband died after only 3 years of marriage; leaving me pregnant and caring for a 2 year old. Once again, I was thankful for having the survival skills I needed! I lived alone with the kids, caring for them and a home for nearly 16 years. I am now engaged to be married.

I am not a health care professional...just a single mom with tons of experience! Hopefully, I can share my successes as well as my failures with all of you so that you can benefit.

Please let us know what happens and how it's going!
I Do - Take Two Moderator

Jill
Family Psychotherapist

Post #7 of 8 (6205 views)

Re: [DCAurora] Messy House [In reply to]

Take care that this doesnt become a real issue between you and your wife.

Can you find some compromise - you turn a blind eye to chaos is her room/bathroom - but you do not put up with mess in, say, the famly/living room. Draw the line - but talk to your wife first!
Jill Curtis, psychotherapist
http://familyonwards.com Author, How to Get Married ... Again (A Guide to Second Weddings) available from this site!

emily4families
Novice

Post #8 of 8 (6118 views)

Re: [DCAurora] Messy House [In reply to]

What a great discussion!

I just wanted to share a fabulous resource for any parents who want to raise capable, competent children who make great decisions: The Life Saver Kit from www.loveandlogic.com

Of all the parenting strategies I've come across in my work, this one, by far, tops them all. It combines natural empathy and love with natural consequences. Best of all, it treats children with respect and from a place of believing that they are capable and competent.

And, for blended families, it's a great way for two parents with two very different styles to come together with a new strategy to both of them that really works.

Definitely worth checking out -- especially if you'd like to have more peace as a couple when dealing with the 13 year old's behaviors.
Emily Bouchard, MSSW
Life Coach, Speaker, & Trainer
Author, "Conquering Conflict: Techniques and Strategies for Resolving Blended Family Conflict"

(This post was edited by the_admin on Nov 5, 2004, 9:54 AM)