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Norabelle
New User
Mar 12, 2005, 1:08 PM
Post #1 of 3
(3856 views)
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Lack of Connection with Prospective Stepdaughters
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I could use some advice if you have the time. My fiance and I have been together for five years. (I met him years after his marriage was over and his ex-wife had been dating during this time.) I relocated from the east coast to Seattle in 2000. During the past five years, neither of his daughters has shown in interest in getting to know me or anything about my family, etc. I've done my best to get my fiance to actively participate in moving my non-relationship with his daughters forward. He makes promises. He says he's spoken with his girls and they "don't dislike" me, which the thinks is suppose to make me feel better. As far as his children are concerned, I'm invisible. They are 12, 16, and 20, yet they are treated like individuals much younger than their chronological ages. They have the attitudes seen in many overprotected, overindulged girls. Their social skills seem to be absent whenever I'm around and they are forced to say hello to me.
The last event I attended at my f iance's father's house was his 50th wedding anniversary. When I approached the kitchen, the older daughter (then age 17), looked into my face as I began to greet her, then turned to walk into the dining room. She snugged me twice that day. My fiance felt she behaved badly, but he didn't speak to her abou it. This is his typical reaction--if he doesn't defend his misbehaving girls, he acts as those the situation is one he has no control over, so he playst he ostrich.
We are planning to be married in January 2006. I've voiced my concerns about his daughters' behavior and the fact that I don't want to have to put up with their lack of graciousness on our wedding day. I suggested that he should encourage them to stay home if they can't be civil to me.
No one in my fiance's family (namely my fiance's father and sister, both of whom are close to the girls and have also had a generous hand in spoiling them; similar, I've had a conversation with the girls' mother, who expressed interest in her daughters having a good relationship with me, but hasn't done anything to actively encourage any interaction either) has shown any interest in doing anything to change the status quo. They seem to think I'm supposed to overlook the girls' bad behavior in my presence.
I would like to have a relationship that's at least civil, but don't know what else I can do. My prospective in-laws seem to have a problem with discussing sticky situations, so they prefer to pretend they don't exist. I have trouble with this approach to life. I've asked my fiance several times about getting to know his oldest daughter first, but she's always had an excuse about being too busy at the moment and would be available at some future date which has yet to materialize. Can you suggest something else I could try to get things on a better footing before the wedding?
I don't see how I can be expected to develop a relationship with girls with whom I have no contact, except on infrequent occasions, where they make a point of treating me as if I didn't exist.
Thanks.
Norabelle
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Deacon Bob
INDEPENDANT CATHOLIC DEACON
Mar 12, 2005, 8:54 PM
Post #2 of 3
(3849 views)
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Re: [Norabelle] Lack of Connection with Prospective Stepdaughters
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Merging step families can be challenging at times and the dynamics within each family can be very different. It is impossible to force a relationship. Young adults of the age your future step daughters are have a lot of issues going on as they are transitioning from children to adults. Not knowing all the dynamics it is hard to give specific advice. However, I do not think there is any way to force a relationship if the girls are not responsive. Forcing the issue may destroy the opportunity for a nice relationship once they are older and a little more mature. I would try to be the big person and be welcoming but not overbearing towards them. Unless, there are underlying issues which I am not aware of I believe their is a good chance that the relationship will warm with time and maturity. You are entering their life at probably the most challenging time.
I am concerned about the idea that you might encourage your finance' to suggest his daughters stay home from the Wedding. That could drive a bigger wedge in the relationship between you and the girls. Also, could cause some damage to your relationship with your future husband.
Another issue seems to be that you feel your soon to be husband and his family put their heads in the sand when problems and difficult situations arise. This could be a significant issue. If this is something that happens reguarly and you are concerned about it --- you have to decide if this is something you can live with because it is not likely to change.
You also have to decide if you will be able to accept the situation if the relationship with your finance' daughters do not warm with time and maturity. If the answer is no to these questions you need to really think about whether you want to become part of this family. If you are uncertain you may seek some counseling with someone experienced with step family issues. The goal should be to determine if you can develop coping mechanisms for these situations which may not change. The bottom line consideration is whether you can live happily if the situations do not change. Finally, is this marriage something you should go through with at this time.
Deacon Bob Tousey
Independant catholic Deacon
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emily4families
Novice
Mar 13, 2005, 10:41 PM
Post #3 of 3
(3838 views)
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Re: [Norabelle] Lack of Connection with Prospective Stepdaughters
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What a painful dilemma for you.
I would encourage you to create deliberate, regular times together with your fiance and his daughter, preferably around an activity where you are all interacting together -- baking, making ice cream, making dinner, building a puzzle, taking a drive somewhere, ...
With the girls only interacting with you infrequently, there's no reason or need for them to have a relationship with you. Give them a reason to interact.
See if you and your fiance can be a united front around this, where you all are going to have family time -- regardless of how awkward or uncomfortable it might be at first.
You are marrying into a family of avoiders and that's a reality you will be dealing with for the rest of your life. This requires you to be proactive, and to get creative in designing ways for interactions to happen.
I believe it is important for the girls to be included in the wedding -- the more you don't let their behaviors get to you, the better. There's nothing they can do to ruin your day -- not if you don't let them get to you. They need to know that they are honored as a part of your life and your future husband's life, and that there will always be a place for them in your world -- it's up to them whether they choose to be in your world or not.
Wishing you all the best.
Emily Bouchard, MSSW
Life Coach, Speaker, & Trainer
Author, "Conquering Conflict: Techniques and Strategies for Resolving Blended Family Conflict"
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