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katie
Deleted
Jun 4, 2003, 10:22 AM
Post #1 of 6
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Instant stepfamilies: I fell in love with a Father!
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I don't have kids because I never wanted kids. I still don't want them (my own, that is). But my fiance has a 9 yr old boy and a "soon-to-be-teenage" daughter. I get along with both of them well. They live with their mother but he takes them every weekend. I adore the fact that he is a good father. In fact, we both agree that his kids may very possibly be better off with us once we get married. (Without going into too much detail, their mother only works during the summer and has had 3 live-in boyfriends in the 7 yrs since the divorce. He's only introduced his children to one other woman aside from me in that time.)
However, I've never lived with kids. And I never spend the night at his house when the kids are there.
I'm 34 and used to having my own space and my own schedule. My schedule has been altered, even invaded upon. But I still have my own space. And I am REALLY going to miss having my alone time.
I have no fantasies or qualms about getting married however, I have more than jitters but less than fears about becoming a step-mother.
I have dogs! They are thrilled when I exit the bathroom. I am relatively positive that I will not get the same reception from his kids after being gone for 90 seconds.
I have a Masters in Social Work, specializing in inner-city teens from broken and troubled homes. But you're not supposed to work where you live. I don't want to analyze them, I want to be there for them. And though their parents are divorced, these kids are not troubled.
Maybe I am just venting my nerves. Is anyone else facing this type of situation? Because I am willing to take any advice on becoming a step-mom.
Thanks
(This post was edited by the_admin on May 4, 2004, 4:16 PM)
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Jillc
Deleted
Jun 5, 2003, 1:35 PM
Post #2 of 6
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I think you need to take time to really get to know the kids and to spend time with them. You say your fiancé has them at weekends - are you included in this? Why dont you spend the night when they are there? You need to do quite a bit of talking as a couple....does he know of your anxieties? It is only fair to talk to him about this issue for you. As you say, you are marrying a father, and that is a big step to take if you are concerned about being with children. Dont analyse them - get to know them!
Jill from http://www.familyonwards.com
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stepmom2b
Deleted
Oct 7, 2003, 4:36 PM
Post #3 of 6
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I agree with Jill. You really need to take the time to get to know the kids and to let them get to know you! They are going to have some reservations when you become a permanent fixture in their lives, and you and their dad need to help them deal with those feelings. Also, I truly respect you for not staying the night while they are there. It shows you have respect for them and wish to set a good example. However, now that you are engaged (at least I assume that is the situation) I see no reason why you can not stay the night but sleep alone in another room or even on the couch. This gives you the opportunity to spend even more time with the kids and to start building a "family situation" it what is to be your new home while still setting a good example for them.
Good luck. Becoming the stop-mom is hard, but it does have it's benefits!
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DCAurora
Novice
Aug 24, 2004, 11:40 AM
Post #4 of 6
(14352 views)
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Re: [katie] Instant stepfamilies: I fell in love with a Father!
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Wow. It might help to not compare them to your dogs!!! I am a new step dad and my step daughter and I are getting along great. It's not easy being a teenager and it's gotta be harder on her now to have her nice quiet world thrown upside down with the introduction of somebody else 'taking' her mom's attentions. We always go WAY out of our way to include my step daughter in things while still keeping some special time to ourselves when possible. I have also very quickly stepped into the role of homework helper and that has helped us bond too.
Good luck!!
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kay
Novice
Jan 10, 2005, 10:20 AM
Post #5 of 6
(12172 views)
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Re: [katie] Instant stepfamilies: I fell in love with a Father!
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I totally understand as I'm in the same situation but without the dog. They visit once a year but I'm totally freaking out about when they want to live with their dad. I know that my answer will be no.
It is difficult because their living conditions could be better but I feel that I made a better life and environment for myself not for the ex children.
I don't feel that I have to make adjustments either.
His family is doing a big family get together in August which is when the kids will be here.
I really don't want to take my vacation time off to babysit or be limited in where or what we can do because of the kids. I would prefer to stay home and enjoy some time. alone..
(This post was edited by the_admin on Jan 10, 2005, 10:49 AM)
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emily4families
Novice
Jan 10, 2005, 1:58 PM
Post #6 of 6
(12167 views)
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Re: [katie] Instant stepfamilies: I fell in love with a Father!
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What a great discussion! And such an important one too.
Whether we like it or not, when we choose to marry someone who has children, we are choosing to be a stepparent and all that entails. We can fight with it, we can try to deny it, or we can embrace it -- the reality is still the same; what we get to do is choose how to respond to it.
And I love the analogy with the dogs. I'll start by saying that I know children are NOT dogs and should be treated very differently. AND, there are some ways that we can learn from how people are with their dogs as we look at becoming new stepparents.
When someone chooses to get a dog for the first time, they don't know the first thing about owning, caring for, and being a dog owner. Oftentimes, new puppy owners will go to training classes and connect with other dog owners and deliberately learn all the skills and strategies to have obedient, well-behaved dogs that are a pleasure to be around. The dog owners who take on the responsibility without taking the time to get formally trained will have quite a handful on their hands with an untrained, disobedient dog to deal with. Those dogs typically are miserable to be around, and their owners aren't much fun with them, as they are always correcting them (to no avail) and punishing them and yelling at them ...
As a life coach specializing in training stepparents, I can assure you that your fears, worries, concerns, and doubts largely come from a place of not-knowing. If you've never been a stepparent, how will you know how to be an effective stepparent?
Awareness of your issues, thoughts, and beliefs around stepparenting is the important first step. That's what I'm reading here -- lots of great awareness about your thoughts and feelings around your stepchildren.
Understanding is the next step -- where are your thoughts and feelings coming from? Why is it that you'd dedicate your life to working with children yet not want to have any of your own? This is not a judgment -- this is a curious question. Inquiring into your underlying belief systems will give you a wealth of information to work with- especially when your stepchildren push your buttons -- which they will definitely do (it's their job!).
The third step is Reconditioning -- where you look at the beliefs that don't necessarily serve you in your current situation and you get the training and resources you need to have a tool-box filled with other, more supportive and inspiring ways to respond to your stepparenting role.
The children in your lives are like puppies who are getting a new owner. With the right kind of love, nurturing, boundaries, and consistency, they will grow to be loving, responsive, and responsible young people. Without you showing up with the right tools, they will not have your guidance and wisdom to benefit from, and may end up being like those unruly, disobedient dogs you'd prefer not to be around.
The choice is yours -- both dogs and children will respond to how they are treated.
Emily Bouchard, MSSW
Life Coach, Speaker, & Trainer
Author, "Conquering Conflict: Techniques and Strategies for Resolving Blended Family Conflict"
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