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Including my daughter vs his daughter

jackie
New User

Post #1 of 5 (3982 views)

Including my daughter vs his daughter

Settle down; this is going to be a long one. The subject sounds bad, but it's not by my choice. I wouldn't go so far as to say my 16 year-old daughter loves my fiance; but she definitely likes him and is glad I'm happy and laughing again. On the other hand, his 19 year-old daughter refers to me as "that woman"; she blames me for the break up of his previous marriage (untrue--I didn't know him then). She refuses to talk to me unless absolutely necessary, she refuses to be in the same room with me, to the point where it would be ridiculously funny if it didn't hurt her father so much. Pirate

My question is this: I would like to include my daughter in our ceremony. Considering his daughter is so spiteful, I'd be happy if she didn't even come. Either way, I plan on making sure she knows she's welcome to attend. But I don't really want her participating. Do I at least have to give her the opportunity to be involved?

Jill
Family Psychotherapist

Post #2 of 5 (3957 views)

Re: [jackie] Including my daughter vs his daughter [In reply to]

I appreciate what a difficult situation this is - but remember this is about more than the wedding day. This is about the 'new' family - so give her the chance to take part in the ceremony. If she says no - that is her choice, but in the future she can never hold it against you both that you 'didn't include her on this important family day.
Jill Curtis, psychotherapist
http://familyonwards.com Author, How to Get Married ... Again (A Guide to Second Weddings) available from this site!

the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator / Moderator

Post #3 of 5 (3953 views)

Re: [jackie] Including my daughter vs his daughter [In reply to]

What does your future husband think of his daughter's behavior and is he addressing it?

I'd let him decide if he wants her in the wedding and let him ask her. Heck, she'll probably say no anyway and then you won't have to be the bad guy, right? If she says yes then maybe you can take this opportuniyt to show her that you're not so bad. If she is a pain in the butt tell your fiance and let him handle it.
I Do - Take Two Moderator

emily4families
Novice

Post #4 of 5 (3952 views)

Re: [jackie] Including my daughter vs his daughter [In reply to]

Here's yet another perspective. This reminds me of when my stepdaughter had her first baby. Her mother, her boyfriend's mother, and her stepmother (me) were all around the bed. She was holding the baby in her arms and wondering if she should try to breast feed her then.

Her mother told her to wait. Her boyfriend's mother told her to definitely try right then. And her stepmother looked right at her and asked her, what do you think? She had three options, and she got to decide which to listen to.

Now, about your step-daughter-to-be. I wonder what it would be like for you to extend the olive branch, so to speak. Certainly her father could invite her to pariticpate. And, how powerful it could be for you to risk her rejection by inviting her yourself.

Here's the kicker -- what would it be like to meet her first right where she is? Can you see yourself looking right at her, and naming what you're noticing? Something like, "Thank you for speaking with me right now. I get the sense that I'm the last person in the world you want to talk to, ever, huh? And, the reality is that your father and I are getting married. It seems like you are really upset about our relationship and our upcoming wedding. Is that right? (give her a chance to share if she chooses).

Then, from your heart, let her know that you understand, and that you don't want her to do what she would be uncomfortable doing -- AND, you want to acknowledge and respect her as a significant, important, and valued part of her father's life. One way to do this is to invite her to be in the wedding party -- if that's something that would be meaningful for her. ...

The flavor here is to seek first to connect and understand where she's coming from, and let her know that, while she may consider you the enemy, you are willing to meet her there, and not make her wrong about it.

I believe that a conversation of this nature, perhaps with you and her father there, could be healing and a step in the direction that you'd like to create as you enter into married life together.

Blessings to you!
Emily Bouchard, MSSW
Life Coach, Speaker, & Trainer
Author, "Conquering Conflict: Techniques and Strategies for Resolving Blended Family Conflict"

Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT

Post #5 of 5 (3951 views)

Re: [jackie] Including my daughter vs his daughter [In reply to]

I agree. It is very important to begin this new life together as a family, as much as possible. Giving her the opportunity to join in is a very good idea.
Rebecca Black, Etiquette Consultant
Etiquette Now
http://www.etiquettenow.com