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I don't want Step son in wedding

nhunt
Novice

Post #1 of 2 (2972 views)

I don't want Step son in wedding

Come June I will be the wife of a wonderful man, David. He has 2 children, Shawna 12 who will be one of my bridesmaids and Justin ,17, who is to be a groomsman. He has hated me since day one!!! He firmly feels that I am keeping his parents from each other. Justin's father has said many times that that are not getting back together and Justin knows why and as even encountered the reason why!! See, I believe that David's ex-wife is still in love with him and Justin knows this and wants his parents back together.
He recently caused a fight on his fathers birthday and told me to mess off. (don't really mean mess off!!).
Justin can fly off the handle at any moment and I am terrified that he has many opportunities to ruin our wedding day, which I wouldn't put past him. I have even thought of eloping to avoid Justin being in our wedding party. David is aware of my feelings about all this but wants his son to be there. I do understand this but I wish he would just be a guest.
I have asked David to rethink his choice of a groomsman considering this situation. Normally you stand up in a wedding because you accept the relationship and since Justin doesn't I am really wondering why he is standing up.
Justin is not going to change his feeling towards me in 10 months, it has not happened in 3 years!!
How can I handle this!!!

Nikki

yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor / Moderator

Post #2 of 2 (2964 views)

Re: [nhunt] I don't want Step son in wedding [In reply to]

I understand how difficult this must be for you as you want this day to be a wonderful and memorable one. You must keep in mind though that the bigger picture here is the fact that you are preparing to marry a man with children, and they are quite simply part of the package. Although it is not uncommon for a person in your position to wish a difficult stepchild were not in the picture, it is unrealistic. There are a lot of challenges involved in raising or simply living with stepchildren, no matter what the age and you need to decide whether you are up for the challenge before marrying this man. I believe that this scenario if handled with care, could give you the opportunity to start off in a more positive direction with this young man.

It is important to try to understand where he is coming from, although very difficult when he is telling you where to go. He is a child of divorce, who almost always fantasizes about his/her parents getting back together. He is hurting and unfortunately for you, is taking out his hurt, anger and frustration (probably along with his mother�s) on you. This is unfair to you and should not be tolerated. But it will help if you can understand where much of this is coming from. At least for now, you represent the barrier to his parents reuniting his family and you become the scapegoat because he is unable to face the truth and the loss of his family.

Your husband and you need to be united on this. You need to both talk with his son and let him know that you understand that it is difficult for him and that it may take some time for him to accept the new situation. He is allowed the time he needs. However, and this is big, he needs to know that his open disrespect of you and the situation is not acceptable and will not be tolerated, and will not change the fact that you are going to get married. If you can combine compassion for where he is coming from with clear and non negotiable expectations around his behaviour, he will know where he stands and may come around in time.. His father needs to send a loud and clear message that his disrespectful behaviour is not going to be tolerated, and particularly the behaviour he has been exhibiting towards you as his future stepmother.

I would suggest taking your husband�s lead on this one and allowing him to be in the wedding. If he is shut out at this point, while his sister has an important role, he will feel alienated and I think you then run the risk of him being more unpredictable, and more inclined to sabotage things for you. He needs to know from both of you that you want him to be part of the wedding and your family � this may dispel some of his fears around where he fits into the new situation. He is expected to participate and to be responsible for his behaviour.

This is not an easy situation you find yourself in, but it is a typical step or blended family scenario. You need to decide if this is the kind of challenge you are up to. There is no guarantee that your soon to be stepson will come around before the wedding � these kinds of adjustments can take time. Time alone does not heal, it�s what we do with it that counts. There are many things you can do to dispel some of the negativity you are facing, and indeed build a relationship with him, but you need to be up for it. Remember that often we can disarm some of the most offensive or aggressive behaviours by responding in a calm and peaceful manner. Another thing would be to prepare yourself for the challenges of being in the lives of your stepchildren, by reading an excellent book titled �The Enlightened Stepmother� by Perditat Kirkness Norwood. I wish you and your partner all the best as you begin your lives together and work together to provide a new family for these young people.
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca