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I am always second.....Help

txvettech
New User

Post #1 of 2 (2737 views)

I am always second.....Help

Hello

Jimmy and I have been dating for 2 yrs. and he has lived with me for almost a year now. We had set a wedding date for March. (that's March of 2004) Well it never happened, I never even got a ring. The problem is that we fight daily, about his lack of input into our relationship. He never seems to have time. For me, For the house, for anything--- EXCEPT his kids.
I feel so left out and ignored. The problem began when he first moved into my house. I had lived alone for 3 yrs and was not used to having alot of people in my home. The first week he lived there, his 24yr daughter came to visit ( with her 2 month old baby and ESTRANGED husband.) I was told of the impending visit the night before they were to show up. I was floored that I was not consulted about this visit. Frown

and to make matters worse, I was working 3 jobs at the time and was never home. I would come home every day to a wreck in my home. I asked my partner to speak to his grown kids about keeping up the house while I was at work. Not one dish was done, by anyone but me, the whole week. Total lack of respect for me and my house. Of course I was upset and not very friendly.
Apprx 2 wks after that he planned a trip out of town for HIM AND HIS KIDS... I was not invited, nor was I called for the 5 days that he was out of town. Total isolation. He said the kids felt uncomfortable around me and did not want me to go. Am I wrong for being upset about that? He says he needed time alone with his kids. That I understand, but A FAMILY VACTION, WITHOUT ME.???? How could he???
Now his visitation with the youngest girl has changed --- from her being with us every other day---- to standard visitation. He has totally changed since then. He has told me that she will always be first in his life. and has proven it to me everyday. I do not know how to get over this anger that I have for him. For putting our relationship last and not caring enough to talk to his youngest daughter and explain that we need some time alone as well. I am wrong? Or am I being outragous by demanding that he spend some time with me ALONE !!!!
Help.....

Our plans will be cancelled, if something comes up that involves his daughter. (I.e. I need you to pick me up from a dance, school etc.)
He would not make plans with me on his birthday because he was unsure of what his kids were doing. I tried to invite him to dinner. Only after he found out his kids were not going to be around that eve. did he call me and say yes lets go out..... I politely told him NO........
I would not be second.
Any response pro or con would be greatly appreciated.

emily4families
Novice

Post #2 of 2 (2717 views)

Re: [txvettech] I am always second.....Help [In reply to]

I'm at a loss. I'm so curious about why you've chosed to tolerate this level of treatment for so long. From what you've written, it seems like since the day he moved into your home, you've been dissatisfied and unfulfilled in your relationship.

I'm wondering about what kind of communication there is between the two of you, and how you go about resolving and addressing the underlying issues around respect, trust, and honoring your relationship.

Living together is fine. I did it for 3 years before I got married. It can be a great way to find out if you are truly compatible. What you've discovered is that this relationship is not going to sustain you long-term, as it has not come close to fulfilling you in the short term.

Look, if you love him and want to choose to be with him, then I strongly recommend that you love who he REALLY is and not the story of who you would like him to be.

And, if you're unhappy and dissatified, then why on earth are you choosing to stay with him and be so miserable? You're making everyone else miserable as well.

I'm wondering what it is that you're getting out of this arrangement. What's the "pay off" for you to be so mistreated and ill-used? Why would you choose to remain in this relationship if you feel this disrespected and hurt and left out all the time?

You are aware that you are choosing to be treated this way, right? No body's forcing you to be with him? You don't seem to be dependent on him financially. So, you may want to look at your motivation.

In my work, I get people to see that it is truly hopeless to focus on the other person and how the other needs to change in order for them to be happy. You may want to take a good, honest look at where you are treating yourself as second in your life and start to make some changes there -- at least you have control over yourself.

Wishing you all the best!
Emily Bouchard, MSSW
Life Coach, Speaker, & Trainer
Author, "Conquering Conflict: Techniques and Strategies for Resolving Blended Family Conflict"