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jorninsmama
New User
Mar 3, 2005, 12:04 PM
Post #1 of 2
(2601 views)
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How to make Step-son feel more comfortable
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Hi there - I just got engaged to a man that I have been living with for 2 years and dating for almost 3 years. I have 2 sons, 11 & 5. He has one son who is 14 and lives about 40 miles away. We have always gotten along really well until recently. About a month ago his son, Joe, talked to him about feeling uncomfortable at our house over the last few months. He feels that we (me & him) don't talk to each other when he comes down to visit. He's right when he says that, for a couple of different reasons. We have fairly recently moved into a bigger house and now when he comes down to visit we are not all crammed into one room. Sometimes he comes down every weekend and sometimes he only comes down one weekend a month. Although, I know that's probably the best thing for him - because then he can hang out with his friends and do what normal 14 yr old boys do - It's difficult to build any sort of relationship with him. He calls his dad on his cell phone so I don't have any contact with him unless it's when he comes down to visit. Because he doesn't know anybody in our neighborhood he doesn't leave the house unless I take him with me to run errands or I ask him to walk the dog. He plays playstation, computer or watches TV in his room. Part of the problem is that his dad works weekends so when he does come down his dad is working so I'm the only one home with him. Anyway, he was very upset when he talked with his dad and said that it bothers him that we haven't bonded. He feels that he doesn't have his own space and he doesn't like it that we don't talk. His dad explained to him that he has his own room and we have told him several times to do what he wants to make it his own space. When we got engaged and his dad told him he wasn't excited and probably wouldn't show it even if he was because he wouldn't want to hurt his mom's feelings. Joe is a great kid. Everybody loves him, he gets great grades and never gets in trouble. I don't have any problems with him at all that aren't the same concerns that I have about my own kids. (You know, pick up your clothes, don’t leave dishes sitting out and please cut your hair). I just don't know how to culture a relationship with him when I don't see him and don't talk to him. After he told his dad how he felt the first time I wrote him a letter to explain how I felt about him. I would have preferred to talk with him but he wasn’t coming back down to visit the next weekend. I told him I would do for him exactly what I would do for my own kids. That I thought he was a great kid and that our home was his home. Unfortunately, some of the same issues came up when he found out we were engaged and when he came down to visit he never said a word to me about it. I don’t know if it’s because he’s just 14, if it’s because of how he feels about me or how he perceives I feel about him or didn’t think about saying anything but I thought it was strange.
I guess what it comes down to is that I feel like I need to find out what kind of relationship he wants to have with me. When I asked his dad about this he said that he thinks I am over thinking the whole thing and that he truly thinks that if we talk about it in person that things will be fine. I, however, think he is underestimating the problem. I don’t know how to be the type of parent that Joe is used to. He is best friends with his mom and dad. They talk to each other as if Joe is an adult. I am more of the traditional parent to my kids. I am not the type of person who jokes about adult issues with kids and I don’t have the same sense of humor. I don’t think this is a big thing but Joe feels very uncomfortable about it because he thinks I don’t find him funny and that I am then annoyed because I am not laughing…….
Such a long story for me to ask such a simple question.
Do you have any ideas that can help build our relationship?
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Deacon Bob
INDEPENDANT CATHOLIC DEACON
Mar 10, 2005, 11:43 PM
Post #2 of 2
(2501 views)
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Re: [jorninsmama] How to make Step-son feel more comfortable
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I admire your concern. You sound like a very welcoming and loving person. Do not take your soon to be step son's reaction personally. The teenage years are hard enough without dealing with a new parent figure and having to travel away from your friends a couple of times a month. I am sure he loves you. In fact, from what he said to his dad it sounds like he does and wants a realtionship with you. Just remember 14 is a hard age.
First, relax and be yourself. Do not try to be what you think he wants you to be. How far away does Joe's mom live? Is it possible on some weekends that he can bring a friend with him. That could give him some one else his age to be with.
Do you and he have anything interests in common? Maybe sometime you can get someone to watch your kids for a few hours and just do something you both like -- just the two of you.
Does he and the 11 year old share any common interests? If so, you could do something with the two of them sometime.
But once again relax --- be yourself --- let him know you love him and don't overdo and it will work out in the long run.
Deacon Bob Tousey
Independant catholic Deacon
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