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His daughters are selfish and self-centered

mgnca
New User

Post #1 of 3 (3746 views)

His daughters are selfish and self-centered

I am marrying a wonderful, spiritual man who is also my very best friend. We both have children - my daughter is 25 and also engaged, his daughters are 20 and 16. The problem is his daughters are completely oblivious to both of our feelings. For example, the younger daughter is not coming to the wedding because she would rather attend her school dance (she has no date), and the older one consistently tries to cause fights between her father and me. Though I have been as sympathetic as possible, when I see how respectful and lovingly my daughter treats us both compared to his two it makes me burn. He has been divorced for over five years and has dated before me.

How do I deal with my own honest feelings? - I do not have huge warm fuzzies in my heart for these girls! Just because I love their father doesn't automatically mean I will love them. Thank you.
Mara

Jill
Family Psychotherapist

Post #2 of 3 (3739 views)

Re: [mgnca] His daughters are selfish and self-centered [In reply to]

There is no reason in the world why you should automatically love the children of your new partner. It takes time to get to know and, hopefully, get to like and love the kids.

I do wonder what your partner says about his daughter not wanting to come to the wedding. Do you think the dance is the real reason?

Be thankful that your children are mature and understanding about your new relationship, and hope some of this rubs off on the other girls!
Jill Curtis, psychotherapist
http://familyonwards.com Author, How to Get Married ... Again (A Guide to Second Weddings) available from this site!

emily4families
Novice

Post #3 of 3 (3725 views)

Re: [mgnca] His daughters are selfish and self-centered [In reply to]

Mara,

Good for you to be seeking support during such an emotional time for you and your new family. What you're experiencing is not unusual, and you are right to vent your frustration now, instead of letting it get in the way of your enjoyment of your wedding.

What would you say if I told you that his daughters are actually doing what they are supposed to at this time in their lives? Would you believe me if I said that their expression of dislike (verbal or otherwise) is healthy, important, and actually a good thing?!

The best advice I can give to you is to (1) not take their behaviors personally and (2) see if you can connect with them where they are right now, instead of where you'd like his daughters to be in relationship to you.

From what you wrote, you seemed to be comparing them to your 25 year old daughter -- there's quite a developmental difference from 15 and even 20 to 25. The more you can seek to understand what your soon to be stepdaughters are feeling -- and not need them to feel differently, the more they will learn to respect and honor you.

You may also want to tune in to yourself and what life was like for you when you were 15 or 20. Could his girls be reflecting back something for you to begin to honor and love more within yourself? That's always a great place to go when stepchildren push your buttons. See if you can find the hidden gifts there for you.

Wishing you many blessings on your new marriage and life -- remember, you may not love them right now, but you are marrying the whole family, not just their father.

All the best,

Emily Bouchard, MSSW, Life Coach

Feel free to visit my website at www.blended-families.com and check out my ebook on Conquering Conflict, a great resource for just this kind of challenge!
Emily Bouchard, MSSW
Life Coach, Speaker, & Trainer
Author, "Conquering Conflict: Techniques and Strategies for Resolving Blended Family Conflict"