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His Son/My Son Aren't getting along

colleen5000
New User

Post #1 of 4 (3770 views)

His Son/My Son Aren't getting along

Please help.

I am dating a guy for almost a year now. My kids live primarily with my ex and is with me on weekends. I have an apartment. The guy I am dating has two children who live primarily with him. (He has a house, his ex an apartment)

Everything was alright when the kids first were introduced. But as time went on, things went downhill with the two boys (his is age 8 - my son age 11)

We are there every other weekend. My son is an instigator but I think there is more to this than that. His son makes comments like "Just move into my room - I KNOW you're going to!" or "Dad - you like him more than ME!"

It's becoming unbearable. What can we do to make his son feel more secure? I think he feels like my boyfriend prefers my son and my boyfriend is in a bad spot because he doesn't want my son to feel badly either. I think at some point this will make our relationship go sour if we cannot work things out between our sons.

Any suggestions????

the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator / Moderator

Post #2 of 4 (3765 views)

Re: [colleen5000] His Son/My Son Aren't getting along [In reply to]

Colleen: I feel for you as I was in a similar situation at one time. The kids can make or break a relationship. I give everyone the same advice: COMMUNICATE! First talk things over with the boyfriend and come up with some discussion guidelines regarding where your relationship is going and exactly how much and what you tell your children. I always go with the truth in these situations since kids are sooo smart and intuitive. Then, each of you discuss with your own child. If all goes well there, have a group discussion. Above all, do not try to "parent" the partner's child(ren). Always have the parent reprimand them unless they are in imminent physical danger. Have your boyfriend spen some "alone time" with his son (children) while yyou are there. This isn't rude and will asure the kids that they are still going to have their dad. Remember, they lost their "married parents" and now are fearful of losing their individual parents to new partners and kids. When you hear interaction like the sort you mentioned between the kids nip it in the bud and talk about it right there and then, as long as both parents are available.

Then, please look at our page on stepfamilies There is some really helpful information on ways to integrate and bland families, even if you are just dating.
I Do - Take Two Moderator

colleen5000
New User

Post #3 of 4 (3762 views)

Re: [the_admin] His Son/My Son Aren't getting along [In reply to]

Thank you so much for your response.

We talked last night and I told him I felt he needed to talk to his son one and one - reassure him he will always love him and always be his dad. I really feel like that is part of the answer.

I worry that even if that discussion goes well - he may always feel resentment towards my son. The funny thing is that his son does really well with me and my daughter - it's just my son. I wonder if you can ever move past feeling jealousy or insecurity?

It's so hard. I never thought it would be like this. :(

the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator / Moderator

Post #4 of 4 (3758 views)

Re: [colleen5000] His Son/My Son Aren't getting along [In reply to]

He may just need time to see for himself that his position with his dad is secure. Keep doing what you're doing and hopefully, with time, he will see that nothing is changing and in fact, maybe he is actually gaining some really terrific new family members. Not replacements but new members. Please also talk to your son and ask him to try to get a handle on that "instigating" thing! Wink

I Do - Take Two Moderator