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cbutchart
New User
May 16, 2007, 1:13 AM
Post #1 of 3
(1656 views)
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Help with possible stepchildren
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Please help me!!!! I am divorced and have 2 boys ages 9 and 4. I met a wonderful, kind woman who also has 2 children, a daughter age 5 and a son age 10. This is where the problem begins. I only have my boys 3 days a week, my ex-wife having full custody. My girlfriend/ possible fiance has 100% custody as her ex is a dead beat dad. Doesn't pay child support, rarely visits etc. This is already starting to cause friction for the following reasons. I am available for alone time 4 days a week. She is occupied 7 days a week because of her ex's lack of attention and support. In addition her son is very needy and emotionally a wreck. He takes medicine for depression, is extremely overweight and acts worse than my 4 year old. I took her family and mine to an amusement park as a bonding experience and he ruined it. He cried over everything, beat up his little sister(I had to restrain him because he was kicking her leg so hard she was screaming) and at the end he threw a fit and rolled on the ground and refused to leave the park and this from a 10 year old soon to be 11.
My kids are relatively well adjusted and this is where my dilema begins. Since my girlfriends family would have to move in with me if we married I would have her son 7 days a week meanwhile I would only have my boys 3 days a week. This is a problem because I worry that I will lose my boys emotionally because they will think I am replacing them with him. Interestingly enough her daughter does not cause an issue at all because I do not have a daughter and therefore I can justify her presence and in fact I find her to be an adorable little person. In addition this boys personality and behavior are so disturbing that I find myself disliking him and resenting the fact that he would have to live with me when I couldn't have my own boys around. I can't imagine my boys coming over to my house and feeling like an outsider in their fathers house!!! Its complicated by the fact that he will always be around as his father does not even have a place to take him to and has no sleep over custody!!!!Please help. Am I thinking irrational?? I have expressed these fears to her and she says he is getting help for him but he is one of the most spoiled, immature children I have ever met!!! Help!!
(This post was edited by cbutchart on May 16, 2007, 1:15 AM)
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yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
/ Moderator
May 16, 2007, 9:00 AM
Post #2 of 3
(1643 views)
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Re: [cbutchart] Help with possible stepchildren
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There is no simple solution here. From what you've told me this young boy is emotionally disturbed and does require a lot of help, even medication. As far as how you see him, it will help to see him not as a regular 10 year old with all of the expectations that might go along with that. He may be emotionally stunted and will also be the least able to make this adjustment to a new family, unless the right supports are in place and there is a lot of understanding and patience from both of you. All of the acting out behaviors are to be expected, particularely if he's been diagnosed with depression. Having some empathy and understanding for this is a place to start.
Having said that, it doesn't mean you are ready or prepared to make this kind of commitmen to full-time stepparenting of a child with emotional challenges. You are right to be articulating your concerns and being honest about your concerns for your own children. Denying this only creates other kinds of problems. You have your eyes wide open and that is to be commended.
There isn't enough room here to really go in depth about the kind of questions you both should be asking yourself and the kind of preparation you would want to be making before taking this relationship and family to the next level. I would suggest that taking more time and seeing how he responds to the therapy and the help he will be getting and also just taking it really slow in terms of putting the whole family together, are just two things I would suggest as you continue to consider someday putting your families together. We often think that if we just put everyone together enough times, that will somehow make us into a family, when almost the opposite is always true, especially where there are children on both sides. When a parent is considering re-coupling, kids get real anxious about losing their parent and as a result their priority is protecting the time they have, not spending every waking moment with the "new kids and new family". This can be threatening for any kids. I suggest a paced and measured approach to this while you get this young boy the help he needs and while the two of you do everything you can to learn about blending a family and the steps to take before getting married and moving in together.
I would suggest you check out my website for some additional resources and information that could be of value to you as you prepare or at least consider, blending your families at some point in the future. My website is www.stepinstitute.ca Best of luck.
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca
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Partner4Success
SOCIAL WORKER
May 16, 2007, 1:06 PM
Post #3 of 3
(1639 views)
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Re: [cbutchart] Help with possible stepchildren
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You've got quite a dilemma here. I agree that the behavior the 10 year old is exhibiting is not typical for his age. I don't know how recent his parents' divorce is. One thing I would offer you is that it is EXTREMELY traumatic for kids (but especially boys) to lose all contact with one of their parents. Even if they've been separated awhile, kids struggle with that sometimes their entire lives.
With that being said, it sounds like your girlfriend is being proactive and seeking help for the boy. The hard part for you is accepting that your girlfriend and her children are a complete package and that package comes with very few breaks because of her situation.
Your concern about your boys seems very real. If you decide to move forward with this relationship I think it will be important to talk to your boys about your concerns. Reassure them that they are still your kids and your priority.
Combining families is HARD work and shouldn't be taken lightly. I commend you for asking these questions and encourage you to seek out more information on step family preparation. But ultimately, you're going to have to come to grips with whether you are willing to take on the challenges this boys will bring with him into your home.
I hope that helps! Best wishes!
Alyssa Johnson - Clinical social worker.
Remarriage Success E-Book
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