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scared fiance
New User
Post #1 of 5
(474 views)
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Fiance's daughter hates soon to be stepfamily
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My fiancé's 15 year old daughter says she hates me and my two boys. She refuses to speak or look at us. She will talk to her father but act like we are not even in the room. Generally she stays in her room any time we are over, but if she is in a room and we come in she throws things down and slams things around and will stomp out of the room and slam doors. She has also gotten mad at her father, and told her mother lies to cause some really big problems for him, and I worry what she may do to me or my boys to cause problems for us. (His ex-wife is extremely oppositional ) My fiancé says she is just defining her relationship with us, and I have said that if she wants nothing to do with me that should be OK, but this behavior is not OK with me, and he seems to think it is perfectly acceptable, and has not said or done anything about her behavior. I think he is also afraid of what she may do. It is ok for her to have her distance? I understand and can respect that, she is not a baby and is at a point in her life where she can make decisions like who she wants to be close to, but to refuse to be even in the same room with someone, or acknowledge they even exist, or slam things and throw things if some one is around, that is a bit much.
I love my fiancé very much, he is a truly good person and I understand this is not easy for him or his daughter, but I don’t think someone should go into a marriage afraid of what their step daughter may do, and my children have now also come to the point where they say point blank she is mean and hateful and they do not like her, and we are all starting to resent my fiancé for allowing her to behave as she does towards us. I called of the wedding for this year, until this can be worked out. Our priest said he would not marry us with the situation the way it is. I am almost to the point where I feel there is nothing I can do to make things better, and that this is a mentally and potentially physically unsafe situation for me and my boys and I need to just tell him I will not see him anymore, but I do not want to do that. What can I do?
(This post was edited by the_admin on May 26, 2009, 8:01 PM)
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yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
/ Moderator
Post #2 of 5
(444 views)
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Re: [scared fiance] Fiance's daughter hates soon to be stepfamily
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This is not unusual and then again, it is also not something you may choose to deal or live with. There are some pieces missing as well but I'm wondering how long you guys have been together and if his daughter knew you for very long before you the two of you got engaged. When things are rushed, there is more resistance. The fact that her mother is not accepting, but rather "hostile" about this situation, would suggest that this is also feeding the situation. That is unlikely to change, except with time (and then again, maybe not) so you just need to be aware that even if you and your fiance do all the "right" things, this young girl is coming from a place that is likely very influenced by her biological mother. She may be acting out the hurt and pain of the first marriage or her own hurt and disappointment about the divorce and on top of that is reacting to the possibility of another major life change.
So that's the context for why she may be doing this. Does she need her own space - absolutely? She is also openly displaying her anger so the answer is not to tell her not to be angry because that's impossible, but to find out where it is coming from and what it's about. Maybe she's afraid she'll lose everything once Dad takes on a new family and doesn't know how to express or ask about this or feels powerless about all of it happening anyway. In that case part of the solution is for Dad to reassure her that their relationship is solid and won't change entirely - there will still be time for the two of them.
I often suggest that kids need a neutral third party in this situation, a counselor to speak to so they can vent their feelings and this other person who is not attached to the situation can validate their feelings and help them learn to express themeselves in more productive ways than simply acting out. And once you've covered these bases, then Dad can continue to validate and reassure her while also letting her know that some of the behaviors are not acceptable, but you want to be doing both at the same time. Just to discipline her for the behaviors which stem from hurt and anger, will not address the root of the problem but may exacerbate it.
I agree with the clergy who has put the breaks on around marrying the two of you until there is some progress in the situation. The divorce rate in second marriage, even ones that look good from the outside, is between 60-70% and is the highest in families where there are teenage daughters. So not to scare you, but it would make good sense to do some counselling together before proceeding, with someone who understands stepfamily dynamics, and be prepared to walk away if the situation seems untenable for you or it you think that the differences in how you want to handle the situation are irreconcilable. I would also caution ANY parent from entering into a relationship where they feel their child(ren)or parenting choices will be severely challenged or compromised by the other person. This is serious business and needs to be taken seriously so I applaud you for putting the breaks on here.
Best of Luck.
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca
(This post was edited by yvonne"instep" on May 28, 2009, 8:10 AM)
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the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator
/ Moderator
Post #3 of 5
(436 views)
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Re: [scared fiance] Fiance's daughter hates soon to be stepfamily
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I feel for you. I had a similar situation when I was younger, dating a man with several children, one of whom hated me. It damaged the relationship but was a blessing in disguise since I went on to meet a wonderful man and we have been together for 7 years now.
Your scenario seems very complicated to me. I'd recommend getting some counseling, even if you do decide to call it quits with this man. We have two very competent counselors on the forum who offer telephone counseling. You may want to try that. I've found it very helpful.
Best of luck,
I Do - Take Two Site Administrator
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scared fiance
New User
Post #4 of 5
(433 views)
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Re: [yvonne"instep"] Fiance's daughter hates soon to be stepfamily
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Thank you for your replies.
To try to fill in some info, I have known my fiancé and his daughter for 7 years; we started out as just good friends trying to raise children of the opposite sex on our own. I guess it was about a year ago that things developed into what they are now. His daughter has always been rather inconsiderate and rude to her father but she and I got along OK. She has an anxiety disorder, so she has always displayed some atypical behavior, but it was at a somewhat acceptable level.
During the divorce when she was about three or four her father was given custody because it was determined that her mother was mentally ill. (I have seen the psychiatric evaluations, she was saying things like my fiancé was pumping invisible untraceable poison into her house, and putting it on the silver wear, she has even accused him of sexually abusing a guinea pig, which honestly we did have a bit of a laugh about, we are still trying to figure out the logistics used to sexually abuse a guinea pig) Her mother kidnapped her twice, so her mother had supervised visitation for a time. She lived with her father up until two years ago, when her mother sued for custody and won (which shocked every one and we still can not understand why a judge would let a little girl go live with some one who had a history of extreme mental illness). That is when she really started behaving like she hated my children and me, and I am pretty sure her mother has something to do with it. I do mean literally she has not spoken one word to me at all sense she went to live there. Not one word at all. She really behaves as if we do not exist. The most I have talked to her, was on a car ride when I told her if she did not want to have a close relationship to me I would respect that, and if at some point she decided she wanted something more then we could examine redefining the dynamics of our relationship then. She never spoke back to me or even looked at me. How can you work through anything with some one who refuses to even acknowledge you exist?
Sense she has been living with her mother, she has become extremely confrontational, and the situation keeps escalating. She was seeing a therapist when she lived with her father, and she was taking anti anxiety medication, but her mother has told her she does not need anything so she no longer receives any treatment for her anxiety disorders. She has thrown tantrums when we are not around as well as when we are around, and I am seriously concerned that if she had the chance she would be violent with my children, and I am pretty sure a time is coming when she will go to her mom and say that my children are doing something she dislikes to her, and then we will end up at a police station, trying to explain that my son has not tried to sexually assault her, and have to explain something like he just walked out of the bathroom with a towel on, those are the kinds of things that along with her mothers assistance have been twisted to cause problems for her father, and I am pretty sure she will try to do it to my boys.
I know she has had a very hard life, and I feel very bad about how much she has been through, but I do not think that makes her current behavior acceptable, understandable yes, but not acceptable, and I do not think our behaving as if it is OK for her to do these things is really not good for her. She is at that age where children need to start developing healthy coping skills, and it seems she is developing very unhealthy ways to deal with her anger and anxiety, and I worry for her, but it seems there is nothing I can do.
On weekends that she is home with us my Fiancé spends all his time with her, and I am fine with that, I agree very much she needs to be reassured that she will always have that time with her father, but I also think he needs to explain to her that to behave the way she does toward him and toward me and my children is not acceptable, and it is unhealthy for her and everyone else, and that we need to develop better coping skills. There has only been that one time that he and I went out when she was visiting (we were going to the symphony for New Years Eve), and she was invited to come but refused, that was the time when she started sending threatening text messages, telling him if he was not back in an hour she would never come visit him again. And then the next day she started telling him he was a neglectful father and guilt tripping him.
We are going to go see a therapist separately from her because she adamantly refuses to be in the same room that I am in, and she is not home much, so we cannot all go together. We never go anywhere together as a family, because if we try she refuses. I think my fiancé is scared that if he does not do everything she wants, and buy her every thing she wants then she will go to the court and say she never wants to see him again. (I keep trying to tell him he cannot buy respect, and material things will not help solve the problems). I also think he is scared because her mother has filed false claims of child abuse quite a few times, and I am pretty sure my fiancé does not want to deal with the problems that might come out of trying to change the situation.
I have heard of problems dealing with blending a family but all of this seems very extreme to me, however I love my fiancé and his daughter very much, I always have, and I think I always will. Leaving them would break my heart. If it were just me I would probably be OK with trying to work through things, but I really cannot justify placing my two boys in this situation. I feel lost helpless and hopeless anymore and I am not typically a person prone to those kinds of feelings. Does anyone have some specific advice on what we can do?
(This post was edited by the_admin on May 28, 2009, 10:59 AM)
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the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator
/ Moderator
Post #5 of 5
(427 views)
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Re: [scared fiance] Fiance's daughter hates soon to be stepfamily
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We really cannot offer extending counseling services online. Our counselors and staff answer simple, basic questions online on our forum. If you'd like, or need, a more advanced service, please consider contacting Yvonne or Alyssa by email or phone from their websites.
Good luck to you,
I Do - Take Two Site Administrator
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