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tiffrose6
New User
Sep 3, 2006, 7:46 PM
Post #1 of 3
(6695 views)
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Accepting my future stepson
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In approximately one year I will be getting married  (we've been dating for two and he has recently proposed). I am thrilled. Our relationship has been a healthy and wonderful development for the both of us. I am less than thrilled, however, that this will be his second marriage (he is 30, I'm 24). He married at 19 in a civil service and was married seven years (ended due to infidelity on his ex-wife's part). He has a seven year old son from his previous marriage. I realize that I should in no way feel like second choice (however this logic does nothing to lessen the irritation that he has already been married) I am aware that I just need to accept this (if I love him, I love all of him, past included) and am in the process of doing so. The problem for me, lies with his son. I love children. I'm always the one with five or six kids hanging on me at family reunions or block parties. Kids seem to really like me (I'm a bit of a child myself:) His son is unlike any child I've ever met. I have not tried to invade his personal space over the last two years and attempt to give him lots of alone time with his father when he comes to visit (two weekends a month half the summer). He is super standoffish and it is hurtfull. Whenever we first get him for visitation he is a grade A brat. His responds to most statements or requests with "whatever" and for example: if we go to the grocery store together and I ask him to help carry groceries in he says, "Why? I didn't buy them". Jim is an EXCELLENT father and disciplinarian and within a week or so the boy is transformed from a smart mouthed brat to a good kid who is fun to be around. Here is my specific problem. I feel extremely guilty about the fact that I don't adore this boy(like I do most children) I don't even hug him. He seems to dislike physical contact unless it is from his mother or father. In fact (he's met my mother and family several times and we've vacationed with them) after the third or fourth time of meeting him, my mother went to give him a good bye hug and he looked at her and very coldly and said, "I don't like to be touched." Is it just me or is this weird? I'm at a loss. I want this tension to dissipate. I don't want to feel any resentment over my fiance's previous marriage and son. I want our marriage to be a positive experience. I am not a mother, and as my fiance constantly reminds me, "I don't have any children of my own, so I wouldn't understand." I always reply, "You're right I don't" because it is true, but, it really hurts when he says that. This is the only true source of discontent in our relationship and I'm desperate to resolve it prior to marrying. PLEASE HELP! Is it me? What can I do? Should I try to build more of a relationship with my future stepson? I think I'm afraid of being rejected by the boy instead of just living in this purgatory of isolation.
thank you so much!
(This post was edited by the_admin on Sep 4, 2006, 8:20 AM)
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yvonne"instep"
Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
/ Moderator
Sep 5, 2006, 10:36 PM
Post #2 of 3
(6667 views)
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Re: [tiffrose6] Accepting my future stepson
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First of all I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself and your stepson for this relationship to be something it isn't or hasn't had time to become yet. There are a lot of classic stepfamily dynamics at play here so I'm going to suggest you take a look at my website www.stepinstitute.ca to get some more information about what is happening. You don't have to "love" your stepson and just because you usually take to children easily, you can't expect that it will be the same in all cases, after all you are both competing on at least one level, for the time and affection of one man (your boyfriend) and asnormal as this is, it is also usually very difficult for everyone involved until you realize what is happening.
Start by not personalizing the child's comments and his refusal to get close to you or your family. It's very difficult for children to extend themselves in this way, usually because they didn't make the choice for their parents to split in the first place and it usually takes them some time to get used to the idea of a new person in one of their parents' lives. So it can be a very normal response for them to choose not to warm up to a potential stepparent. If you can take some of the energy you are currently expending on feeling guilty about not loving or even liking him right now, and translate it into looking for small ways in which to build a relationship with him or just being with him, then that would be a positive start. Children need time for these relationships to evolve and sometimes their best defense is a strong offense. So try to remember that he may be protecting himself when he sends the next snide comment your way, and perhaps try to disarm him with either your warmth or your humour. It isn't you that he is angry with or rejecting but he is probably very confused about the situation and concerned that he is going to lose precious time with his father to you. (Many kids see their parents remarrying as a definite loss for them.) In time, he will see that you don't pose this threat and that he can have a relationship with both of you that will actually be a win-win for him as well.
As for your partner, he seems to be dealing very well with his son and has a good relationship. Try to support that but also let him know that you too need his support, as all of this is very new and can also be very frustrating for you as the new person trying to find your place in the family. Getting some help to prepare both of you for life in a blended family would also be something to consider. Best of Luck!!
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach,
Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
http://www.stepinstitute.ca
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Jill
Family Psychotherapist
Sep 6, 2006, 4:03 AM
Post #3 of 3
(6656 views)
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Re: [tiffrose6] Accepting my future stepson
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There is a year before you marry .. and there is a lot of work to be done before then. I think you have a lot of unresolved feelings about this being a second wedding for your fiance - and of course his son is a constant reminder of this. Your future husband is 30 - and of course comes with a 'history' so perhaps you could take a step back and give the relationships time to consolidate. Remember, too, that the boy has had a lot to deal with and it takes time, and energy and understanding, to blend into a new family. Give the situation, and yourself, time to settle.
Jill Curtis, psychotherapist
http://familyonwards.com Author, How to Get Married ... Again (A Guide to Second Weddings) available from this site!
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