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JusMe1212
Novice
Oct 22, 2004, 7:08 AM
Post #1 of 11
(7946 views)
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2nd marriage guest list dilemma
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My first marriage, 24 years ago, consisted of my husband and I, 2 witnesses and the mayor. I've been divorced now for 20 years. My finance was married 23 years ago, had a huge family wedding, and he has been divorced now for 4 years.
Since this is a second marriage for both of us, BUT a FIRST wedding for me, the guest list on my side is 3 times the size of his. My list includes immediate family and very close friends that helped me raise my children for the past 20 years. (It took a village!) He and I will be paying for the wedding ourselves. We made reservations for 100 people for dinner. We discussed this with his parents prior to making any arrangements. We asked them repeatedly who they wished to have included on their side, and they insisted they had no requests other than "immediate family" (sisters and sisters' husbands, brother and brothers wife, and their children--my fiances' neices and nephews).
One of his sisters remarried a few months ago, and her new husband has 3 children, all under the age of 14, who they do not have custody of. I do not know these children and neither does my husband to be. We did not plan to include these children on the guest list.
Since this is a wedding dinner, and not a full blown wedding reception, including these 3 children means I have to remove 3 guests from my list. The restaurant can only fit 100 people, and the price is within our budget.
His mother now says that if we do not invite these children, his sister will not come to the wedding. She also said that if I wanted to invite 5000 people, I should foot the bill for a bigger place.
I don't want to start off on the wrong foot with my new inlaws, but I am flabbergasted that this is even an issue. I'm ready to just say "forget it" and elope again.
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the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator
/ Moderator
Oct 22, 2004, 7:17 AM
Post #2 of 11
(7940 views)
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Re: [JusMe1212] 2nd marriage guest list dilemma
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Firstly, allow me to congratulate you on finding new love.
This is a difficult position to be in but you have not mentioned your fiance's position on the matter. Have you two discussed this? If I were you, I would be letting HIM deal with HIS side of the family, allowing HIM to be the bad guy. Let him speak to his sister, telling her of his dillemma. As long as you are not inviting any children from your side of the family (other than the children of the bride and groom that is) I think he should be able to plead his case with a positive outcome.
I Do - Take Two Site Administrator
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JusMe1212
Novice
Oct 22, 2004, 7:41 AM
Post #3 of 11
(7939 views)
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Re: [JusMe1212] 2nd marriage guest list dilemma
[In reply to]
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It is not an issue of no children at the wedding. We have invited neices and nephews on both sides, the majority of them being adults (over 18). We also included another sisters' step-son, who is 21, who grew up with my son since they were 7.
If his sister and her new husband had custody of these children, it would be different. Or, if they had been married for years, and my husband to be was acquainted with these children, I would not exclude them.
His sister "invited" her husbands 3 children while we were discussing the guest list and dinner menu with his parents. She caught me off guard and I did not say anything. My husband to be called his mother after the fact and that's what started the trouble. I did not ask him to call, I simply told him I had to leave off my god parents and 1 other family member to make room for these 3 children. My parents are no longer living, and I have been extremely close with my godparents (my godmother is my dads cousin, who I grew up calling "Aunt".)
My husband to be now says he will exclude some of his friends to make room for these 3 children so I don't have to take family off my list. I don't think he should have to exclude friends, either.
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the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator
/ Moderator
Oct 22, 2004, 7:59 AM
Post #4 of 11
(7932 views)
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Re: [JusMe1212] 2nd marriage guest list dilemma
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If you are inviting other children of the same age then you should invite your brother in law's kids. Whether they have custody of these children should not be an issue, they are still family members and your husband's neices and nephews by marriage. However, if you have not invited any other CHILDREN (defined as people under the age of 18) then you can simply tell them that children are not being included. Make it clear that by children you mean anyone under the age of 18.
Frankly, I would allow your husband to make the decison about inviting them. If he wants to leave off his friends so he can have his brothers children there then that is his call.
I Do - Take Two Site Administrator
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JusMe1212
Novice
Oct 22, 2004, 8:23 AM
Post #5 of 11
(7931 views)
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Re: [the_admin] 2nd marriage guest list dilemma
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If he wants to leave off his friends so he can have his brothers children there then that is his call.
They are NOT his brothers' children. The 3 children in question are the CHILDREN of his sisters' 3rd husband, who she only married a few months ago, who we do not know.
But, if you think that doesn't matter, and to keep the peace in the family we should invite them regardless, then that is what I will do.
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the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator
/ Moderator
Oct 22, 2004, 9:06 AM
Post #6 of 11
(7928 views)
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Re: [JusMe1212] 2nd marriage guest list dilemma
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Yes, I think I would let my husband make that decision so I would not be viewed as "the bad guy".
Have you contacted the manager at the restuarant? If they aren't limiting you to 100 due to a fire code maybe you could slip in just 3 more?
Have all 100 guests alreay replies that they are indeed coming?
I Do - Take Two Site Administrator
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Jill
Family Psychotherapist
Oct 22, 2004, 9:31 AM
Post #7 of 11
(7925 views)
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Re: [JusMe1212] 2nd marriage guest list dilemma
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oh dear - why do people have to be so difficult. In the interest of family unity perhaps you should take up your fiances kind offer to take three people off his list.
Jill Curtis, psychotherapist
http://familyonwards.com Author, How to Get Married ... Again (A Guide to Second Weddings) available from this site!
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JusMe1212
Novice
Oct 22, 2004, 10:58 AM
Post #8 of 11
(7920 views)
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Re: [Jill] 2nd marriage guest list dilemma
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Let me reverse the situation here:
Suppose me and my fiance were the ones married 3 months ago. I have 3 young children from my first marriage that his sister and her husband to be don't know.
Now, his sister is getting married. It's her second marriage, she eloped the first time. She has a huge family and extended family who have waited 20 years for her to get remarried and they can afford only 100 guests since they are paying for the wedding themselves. Would it be right of me, who is new to the family, to INVITE MY CHILDREN to her wedding? Of course not. She doesn't know my children and my children do not know her. I would not expect her to give up inviting 3 members of her family for 3 children she does not know.
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the_admin
Remarriage Forum Moderator
/ Moderator
Oct 22, 2004, 11:11 AM
Post #9 of 11
(7917 views)
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Re: [JusMe1212] 2nd marriage guest list dilemma
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I didn't think we were addressing what was right here. Of course it is always impolite to invite another person(s) to any event. I assumed you were looking for advice about how to handle the issue so I responded in a way I hoped would solve your problem. Sorry I was not clear.
Unfortunately, we can't always tell people they are being rude as that often will make us appear just as rude. Just know that YOU are doing the right thing by averting some hurt feelings and letting your husband deal with his sister.
I Do - Take Two Site Administrator
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Etiquette Now
WEDDING ETIQUETTE EXPERT
Oct 22, 2004, 11:54 AM
Post #10 of 11
(7915 views)
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Re: [JusMe1212] 2nd marriage guest list dilemma
[In reply to]
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I agree. It seems that the best solution would be that your husband drops three guest off of his list. His sister is married to the father of the three children, so she is their stepmother. They are family.
Rebecca Black, Etiquette Consultant
Etiquette Now
http://www.etiquettenow.com
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JusMe1212
Novice
Oct 22, 2004, 2:56 PM
Post #11 of 11
(7913 views)
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Re: [Et.byRebecca] 2nd marriage guest list dilemma
[In reply to]
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Thank you all for your input. I have added the 3 children to the guest list and removed 3 from my list. I don't want my husband to be not to have his best friend there.
Maybe this dilemma will help someone else out who might be tempted to add to the brides' guest list without first consulting her.
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