[newmom1]

I am going to be a new step-mom to two wonderful girls (4 & 7). Their father and I have been dating for almost 2 years, and living together for the last year, even though the divorce was only final in September. The girls have met me and spent some time with us (thanksgiving was the "big" one) and family as we live in a different state; all of us get along and they seem to accept me (at least for now).

We thought we would get married in December and have a quiet ceremony for us only and have a "celebration/reception" at the end of January(we are moving closer to the girls as we are out of state right now) and invite the entire family including the girls. This way we would have "two weddings"... but their BM is not happy about this and says would we be projecting a Fraud and lying to the girls and she would probably tell them as such. She also would not allow the girls to visit us for the ceremony, she has suggested we wait (at least 5 years) before getting married, however is constantly telling their father that we are jeopardizing their morality because we are living together... so it is a lose - lose situation. Their father was going to tell them next week that we were going to get married in January.

Is getting married and then having a family ceremony/reception later wrong? Please help...

[Jill]

When you marry a man who already has children you are marrying a family, and I think it would be best for the girls to be there on that day. I would be very careful about skipping over the actual facts - the truth will come out sooner or later. It is no business of your partner's ex to tell you when you can get married - and if she will not allow the girls to come to your wedding, that is her problem. She will have to answer to the girls later about this.

[emily4families]

I'm curious about the reason for having the two weddings? Is there a reason why you want the private small one where you are? If it is not about being with friends and family there, then what's the need to do it then and there?

Are you feeling pressured to tie the knot faster because of "compromising the girls' morality"?

My biggest concern in all of this is the minimal amount of time the girls have been with you. It will seem very odd to them to have a stepmother whom they don't really know.

Spending time with them and getting to know them is essential. And, if you wait to have your wedding when you live closer and see them more often, you could include them more in the preparations and precelebrations -- as a way to help them ease into the idea of having a new stepmom in their lives.

And, it will also give you time to adjust to being their stepmother. That's quite an important role you're stepping into.

Wishing you all the best,

Emily Bouchard

[newmom1]

there really is not a need for two weddings and we are not having two weddings. We are getting married this month and will be having a reception with family and close friends in January. The Father is going to tell them we are getting married in December and we will be celebrating in January. We have been mentioning and asking how would they feel if Daddy and Miss XXXX got married? They say it would be great.

I have spent time with them, as much as I am allowed. I am not a welcomed addition to the family by BM and she does not want to even hear my voice in the background when the girls call her on our visitation. She feels disrespected. Since we live in different states, the Father flys out to visit them (they are not allowed to fly for weekend visits - BM has a fear of flying) every other weekend. Due to $$, work and other responsibilities, we both can not go.

We do not feel pressured to marry soon from BM, I was stating what she says repeatedly so you would have an understanding of her point of view. We want to get married. We have the full support of both families, and his family has stated that there is nothing I or we could do to make BM cooperative. She is not willing to let go of control. I can not influence her, he can not influence her, we just need to try to be the best parents/adults we can be to the girls.

Thanks for the information and the feedback.

[emily4families]

Thank you for the clarification. The point I was trying to make before was that I'm unclear as to why you are choosing to get married in December, in a place and time when there's no way for his children to be involved. Do you have the belief that no matter when, where, or how you got married, their mother would not allow them to participate anyway?

If there is any way you can have your wedding with your entire new family that your committing to, that would be ideal. You are not just marrying their father -- you are committing to be their stepmother -- no matter what their mother thinks or feels about it.

What's your intention in getting married in December, as you are planning? What's the outcome of your wedding that you want for the rest of your life? By starting with the end in mind, you may find that your decisions about how to proceed come more easily to you both.

All the best,

Emily Bouchard

[newmom1]

Thank you for the feedback as I appreciate the advice. I also understand I am marrying not only the man, but also the children. I also understand I will be a "step-mom" and believe I am ready and open for the responsibility.

However, BM will not freely allow the kids to be part of the wedding no matter where - unless we wait for her recomended time (3-5 yrs) and I must move out when they come to visit, nor will she allow them to mention my name or bring a picture of me into the house (which they requested). She won't even talk to me. And I am pretty sure she will not allow them to call me their StepMom. We have work ahead, and if you have any suggestions on reading that both BM and myself can read that would help with the acceptance of the new addition (me), I would appreciate the suggestion...

We have decided to move forward with getting married in December and the celebrating at the end of January with all the family were we will declare our promises to eachother. It is a decision that the entire family supports (with the one exception) and we are happy with.

We can not influence or control how BM acts, says, or feels and we can not plan our life around what she will allow or approve.

So, thank you. NM1

[emily4families]

I love your clarity and your awareness of your reality! You're way ahead of the game.

The best book I could recommend, given your description of your situation is, Loving What Is by Byron Katie.

This book details a simple, and highly effective, tool that you can use to have a sense of peace, no matter what the children's mother says or does.

Blessings to you,