I have so many questions..I hope someone can help WARNING LONG & personal

First off, I'm new to this site. I am very much in love still with my highschool sweetheart. We have been married 11 years now, but have been together since May 21st of 1989.

I'll try to make a long story short..we were both in a school for kids that have gotten kicked out. He was being abused by his step dad & was lost & hurt & using drugs. I had been neglected & emotionally abused by my mom growing up & was rejected by the Christian Jr High I went to & sent to a public school where I knew no one. I eventually starting skipping school & hanging out with loser kids, smoking, no drugs until I met my DH though. We partied hard together & did foolish things & I got pg the following Sept. I tried to hide it as I worked a P/T job, we almost gave him up for adoption but didn't. He & I were in a motorcycle wreck & the baby was fine. Lots of crazy things..regret etc. Anyways we basically stopped going to school & started raising our son but didn't quite grow up because his loser friends were always at our house or there was still smoking stuff etc. He was having trouble dealing with the type of work he could get, (and was being sexually harassed by a much older woman), got discouraged & quit. I got pg again (wasn't supposed to be able to have kids after a difficult birth with son) when he was like 16 months. Well, we were not married during any of this time but we did plan to. We always considered ourselves "married in our heart", common law if you will & we'll do it soon. I was the procrastinator partly because I had some fears & mostly because I was still getting death benefits from my dad & I wrongly believed I'd lose them, and then what would we do? My hubby always felt bad I hadn't married him yet & years later I realized how much it made him feel rejected but we were young yet & still being stupid, kwim? He immediately wanted to get married when I got pg with DD & I did too but felt odd about it being pg but was going to. Then we had some major money issues, had to move & then I was getting big. I guess I should have just did the civic thing but I had no one on my side to help pay.

Eventually & sadly he got addicted to meth. I'm beginning to share that story on another website I am doing only to give hope to those who have loved ones experiencing this. He became an evil person, thought awful things..twisted stuff in the brain that is. He eventually had an affair with the 16 y/o that was giving it to him. She was a "friend" of ours that we let hang out at our house (there wasn't any partying going on anymore by this time..most of the dumb friends were gone) because all her friends ditched her..they didn't like her. She was sort of homely & annoying & I felt bad for her. Anyways, the drugs don't make you think right..he was totally confused & mistook the "everything is better" in my life now because of feeling that drug gives you for being her, & all the false happiness they feel for being with her & away from me. He bailed not just me but our son & I had to give birth to our DD alone. It was the first week of Oct & we were supposed to get married on sweetest day. I could tell things were wrong those last few weeks. Seriously, his thinking "deranged" thoughts about her as he'd later call it came on so fast & so quickly that their relationship developed only in a matter of weeks. She tried to say no in her defense & tell him to talk to me, that he must be scared or stressed or something but by that time he was so hooked & thinking oddly it was too late. I was having pg weepiness & we were renting a place we couldn't afford, little food, no phone etc

I have many regrets about not getting him help very early on when I could see that "just one time" became regular. There is a whole a lot more complications, tragedies & getting back together many times in that 7 month period. He basically was never there for his son & when he was he was not the same dad, our son was having lots of troubles..he was 2 1/2 then & neither of us were able to take care of our DD. Even though we were young, way too young & he had trouble with good jobs & still was smoking stuff, he was a good dad. He really was, befoe all this he was completely devoted & involved. He didn't really see our DD at all during that time. You can't love or be rational or logical as an addict on that. He sold all of our stuff out of storage during one of the times we weren't together.

So eventually at the end of April of 92 when he came back just a few weeks after a court hearing over our DD (who was living with his dad at the time, I was with his mom on her AZ ranch trying to get myself back together so I could get her from CA, again long story but because of all this I was basically homeless. I had NO ONE during any of this) I was sort of numbed & resolved to the fact that not only he never going to "really" come back or be himself that he'd likely end up in jail or be dead soon. Like I said, we had been back together many times, and I always mistook his leaving barely a month later to him not wanting me but it was the drugs he wanted. She & the drugs were connected, she used them over him & he was too mentally confused to sort through reality. He could only "be" with her on the drugs & she hated that..knew it. I really didn't think I could or should take him back..but yes I was young & in love. I had 4 years invested, lost dreams & two kids with him. There was so much betrayal & dysfunction & tragedy that year that I was still reeling from it all. He cried for days so hurt & ashamed over what he had done & the pain he had caused & how he had defiled himself & our pureness together. It's only by the grace of God that we're here today because the events of that year & the things I allowed myself to go through, see, do & be a part of have left me with PTSD. It has been hard & those first few years were spent trying to piece our family back..focusing on the kids. I had gotten pg with our 3rd that Jan during one of our reconcilations. Yes I know, we were stupid.

Anyways, our marriage was 7 months late but it was practially at a moments notice. He wanted to be married by his grandfather on his mom's ranch. He couldn't go back to CA because of the cravings & fears he had. We had a sunrise wedding outside & yes, it was beautiful but it was not ordinary obviously over what had just happened that year & we never had counseling during all of it. He was able to get clean on his own, something most can not do! However, his controlling mom sort of ruined things for me. I was married in a wal mart dress! I didn't need some big fancy frilly thing..but something from victoria secret would have been even better. Simple, pretty, nice. It was flowered, felt odd about the white I guess. LOL But can you believe she actually suggested I get married in these one pants I used to use as pajamas our lounging!!!? I was even writing the annoucements myself with a magic marker!! Talk about tacky..

She was hoarding the money I was giving her and I suppose didn't want to have to fork it over..another long story. I wore things matching sandels. He wore black slacks & a borrowed white & black striped shirt. Our son was in a flannel shirt that didn't match any of us. He was picking his nose all day..ugh (a nervous habit he developed, can't blame him) her DH took pics but some were like over exposed or something so that in a picture you could see images from another shot. (like we had pics of dogs on some of our wedding shots) He didn't take enough & the ones he did weren't that great. No real close ups of just us & how can you not notice a kid his picking his nose in the pic? The video camera malfunctioned..

Plus I had no family there & he just had his mom, step dad, grandparents & great uncle! So yes, it was a hard year & finally marrying him was wonderful. It was a few years too late, even though we were young. I should have made things right sooner & maybe a lot of our pain would have been prevented..who knows. But I do know that I don't like to show my pics much or talk about it. It was hard enough to see a loved one behave that way, be so sick & deranged sp? on a drug like that..abandon his kids, lie, cheat, steal, etc but then after all that our wedding was so quick. He wanted to get married on the first day that we started going out on , at sunrise, to symbolize starting over. He might of worried I'd change my mind if we didn't do it soon enough..

The funny thing was is that his mom always talked about how her MIL ruined her wedding day when married my DH's father & how controlling she was etc. But she made mine like 30 times worse.

We had talked about renewing our vows someday or just doing a reception but it wasn't important to me because I was focusing on raising 3 kids, getting our life back together, supporting him through each new day of sobriety & then during college while he became a successful software Engineer. It made more sense to spend our money that way so he'd feel good about himself being the wondeful provider he is today & has been since then.

He's alway talked about doing a wedding again but I never thought it would be appropriate. I mean, yes renewing your vows is great. Marriage is hard work & to be this far & still be madly in love. Our 10th anv went by & we didn't do it. How do you decide when to do renewals? On our 15th? Which will be like 20 yrs TOGETHER, we'd only be 35 btw. I had suggested we just take really nice pics & put an album together but he wants to see me all princessed up. Plus, he's upset that his awful stepdad was his "best man" instead of his brother. (another move she made)

How could I possibly wear some pretty white wedding gown and not feel silly? My grandma did her renewals & just worse a nice red dress... It was suggested I look at those gowns with the 3 silver bands to represent past, present & future. Do I include my kids in the wedding? (14, 11, 10 & 4) Do I actually have bridesmaids or no? That doesn't seem right either. But then my friends who have mentioned me doing it hint they want to be apart of it. Will my close friends feel hurt if I don't? At our church (yes, we were saved & baptized together a few years ago) the whole church is invited to a wedding if there is one. We just were at one last week, so special. But I don't know how I'd feel about this whole church seeing me looking like a new virgin bride after that many years of marriage..LOL

Plus, what is considered bad etiquette? I'm not the type that thinks you have to follow a strict set of rules, but I dont' like tacky either. And when you have personalized party stuff do you have both your original date & the date of the renewal? Is it polite to refuse gifts? I mean..we have everything we need, kwim? We didn't really get any gifts at our first wedding but my FIL did buy us a new bedroom set that we still have.

I was thinking of just simple & a little party to celebrate but many of my friends & family think I should just "go for it" when it comes to doing all the things I should have done then. I don't know if that is right though?

Ok, sorry this is so long..lol I guess I felt I needed to share why things weren't the way we wanted in the beginning & how much we've been through. He's my soulmate & adores me. He's been in so much pain & guilt though about what he's done to me, our kids & the dirtiness that comes with that that it has been years of true healing & connection & figuring out what everything really was. We have worked so hard & submitted to God & we have experienced rough times of course, but a deep abiding love & passionate connection. Of course I think renewing our vows is very appropriate after these years of healing & making it right, I just don't know how I should do it.

If you made it this far..thanks a bunch!!

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