[shay1067]

Hi,

I wanted to take a few minutes to ask for a little advice. I am engaged to a wonderful man who has been divorced now for almost 2 years. We met right before his divorce became final. He has two children from his previous marriage, a son who just recently turned 11 and a daughter who is getting ready to turn 15. Both of his children get along pretty well with me for the most part. I mean it is hard to see their dad dating another woman. By the way, their dad was married to their mom for almost 14 years when they divorced. My fiance and his ex-wife are still very good friends.

Anyway, back to the issue. From the time I met his children, there have been lots of hurdles and discussions as I think is normal for someone who came out of a long marriage as he did. It was just in the past six months, that things seem to be pretty good. When we announced our engagement and intentions of marriage to his kids about 2 months ago, they seemed very excited. Anyway, my fiances' son is the actual issue here. In fact, when the engagement was announced, his son immediately asked if he could be the Best Man. This threw us both for a loop but we handled it and my fiance accepted very happily. My fiance feels and even told me later that he thinks by his son wanting to be the Bestman, that that means that he has finally accepted me. SIGH!!! I, unfortunately, am having the second thoughts. I honestly feel that is son (again 11 years old) is too young to be the Bestman. To give you a little more history, Evan (son), before the divorce, constantly had his dad there for support, always doing things with him, always playing with him, etc. His dad was his life and that is a quote from my fiance himself. In fact, I still see that Evan constantly hangs on his dad. He tries to sit on his lap and wants to hold his dad's hand. My fiance tells Evan not to do this because he is a young man now but he is constantly having to do this. I see all this, of course, and my fiance and I constantly talk about how Evan needs to grow up a little. I have even suggested that Evan should go into counseling because of the way he acts sometimes. Presently, kind of as a joke, we view Evan as being the "good" Evan or the "bad" Evan. Evan is portraying the "bad" Evan when he is whiny and mopey and acting like a little baby.

Goodness, this is long....I do apologize. To make a long story short, I still have my second thoughts about Evan being the Bestman. In fact, this past weekend, we were out to Sunday Lunch with the kids and my fiance's parents. We were all talking about the wedding plans and I, at one point, turned to Evan to tell him that as the Best Man, he was in charge of my wedding ring. I told him, in a joking matter because everyone was listening, that he better not loose the ring or else. He looked at me with what I thought was a serious face and said that he is just going to flush it down the toilet. He then laughed, as did everyone else. My problem with this, and, yes, I did talk to my fiance about it, is why would Evan say that. Because of this, I cannot stop thinking that something is going to go wrong at the wedding. I even had a nightmare the other night wherein Evan threw a fit right before the ceremony because his dad was not able to pay attention to him. The dream even showed that my fiance and I had a huge argument and almost called the wedding off. Thank goodness, I did wake up. Of course, the dream leaves me quite upset. I spoke to my fiance about it and he says not to worry. Everything will work out fine. I cannot help but be nervous and scared though. I know it is only my conscious talking, but, what should I do? Honestly, I wish I did not feel this way about his son. I have even had thoughts that I should just raise my voice at him and tell him to grow up because he does not act like the 11 year old he is...in fact, my 10 year old nephew acts older then he does. The times that I have scolded Evan, and Noelle (daughter), they have immediately gotten back to their mother, which in turn, results in a phone call to my fiance and then a talking to me although my fiance says that his ex-wife tells the kids that I am mostly right in what I say and do because I am an adult.

I guess what I am getting at is, it is all quite frustrating and it leaves me a little depressed at times. I am trying though. It is just hard. Anyway, again, I am sorry I rambled.

Hope to hear back from you. Take care.

Sharon

[Jill]

Try to keep in mind the changes for both children. They have had to deal with different situations over the past few years, and although it can be quite irritating to watch, it is not surprising that Evan literally hangs on to his dad. Also an eleven year old swings between still being a child, and at times being quite grown up. In fact a new name for this age group is 'tweenies'.

I think it is an excellent plan to let him be best man - trust him, and he will bask in the importance of the role.

It is never easy getting together with a new partner who has kids - especially when the 'other' parent is around as well.

Try to hang on to your wedding nerves, and relax. By the way, I hope you have found a role for Noelle as well on this special family wedding day?

.

[the_admin]

I would also like to add that all reprimanding of these children should be left up to the father (unless they are in immediate danger) until your new family is really established and everyone understands their role. Disciplining these kids can only cause resentment. In time they will come to understand your role and slowly you can integrate yourself into their lives and they into yours. Please discuss this with your groom and tell him why you are relinquishing all disciplining to him.

Remember, when you marry this man you are not only gaining a husband but an entire family and although I am sure you'd like your wedding day to be "perfect" you should consider the bigger picture. How bad would it REALLY be if this child "threw a fit" or even flushed your ring own the toilet? Would either of these situations actually stop the wedding? Someone would eventually calm the child down and rings are really just THINGS that can be replaced, unlike children and your realtionship with them and their father.

Have your fiance do a lot of talking with these kids (and you) before the wedding. TALK TALK TALK!

[shay1067]

Thanks, Jill....

I really appreciate the advice. Wow, when you look at that way...I can very much see your point. I really honestly thought that Evan's 11 year old attitude of hanging on to his dad is abnormal but after reading what you said, I can understand a little better. Thank you again.

Oh, and by the way. Yes, Noelle has a very important part in the wedding. Noelle is a very gifted young pianist. She is going to be playing the processional song by Yanni on the piano as well as another song during the ceremony that we have all been working on finding - possibly the song right after the unity candle lighting. We are doing something a little unique after the candle lighting (our pastor suggested it) -- we are going to surprise both of our moms with roses as a thankyou. She is very excited about being a part of this. She is also a kind of Bridesmaid although we are only having one attendant - my maid of honor (my bestfriend, Heidi) and Evan - the Best Man. She is not actually walking down the aisle in the processional but she will walk down with Evan and Heidi during the recessional -- kind of Evan in the middle type of thing. And she is going to have a bridesmaid bouquet.

Anyway, I really appreciate your advice. It helped put things in a better prospective for me. Thank you again.

Sharon (Wedding date - 4/23/05)

[shay1067]

Thanks admin....

Your advice is a great help as well. You are right, "throwing a fit" or flushing the ring would not actually stop the wedding. It may cause a slight delay and may possibly put some persons in a different mood. But, when I step back and think about the situation, Evan's mom is planning to be there and her along with Chris and his family will definitely put Evan in his place if this were to happen. I do know that Evan's mom gets tired of his poutiness and emotional times as well. So, all in all....I should not worry about it. I guess it helps to have someone else point it out to you....I mean, I am a smart and good person and after I read what you wrote, I really knew the answer. I guess I just had to see it come from someone else.

Chris and I love each other very much. And, I know that his kids love me as well....as I do them. We all need to grow up a little and just let the wedding happen. I need to remember to put a little trust in the Lord. Thank you again.

Sharon

[the_admin]

Too many people put the emphasis on the wedding DAY instead of where it should be, on the love, family and friends and the life ahead. Planning a perfect wedding without kids is difficult enough but add children to the mix and you are sure to have something unpredictable happen. Plan as best you can but be relaxed enough to let kids be kids.

It's wonderful that you have a good relationship with the ex -spouse and that she will be there to oversee Evan as you and your groom focus on yourselves.