[Rowena]

My Husband and I will be married for 15 years next year, and are planning on renewing our vows. We both agree we want this to be the wedding we never got. Our original "ceremony" was in a Vegas chapel without any friends or family. At the time we got married there was a "pregnancy scare" and my family absolutely hated my husband to be. We agreed then we would do a formal wedding later with our friends and family. Over the years we have had our ups and downs, money problems, and of course family problems, but my family has come around to the point where my husband is "the best son-in-law out of the 3 girls" and we are . Recently (this past November) my husband came close to dying. He was in an accident where he was unconscious for 16 minutes with a concussion, and broke his neck. Thankfully, he will make a full recovery. I, myself, went through a cancer scare last month, which turned out to be okay. We have decided we want to finally have our wedding.

As I am reading through all this "etiquette" it says what we want is considered inappropriate. We are planning on having the big formal wedding we never had. My dress is a "true" wedding gown, complete with cathedral train, a tiara and a veil. I want to have my daughter and sister be attendants, but not necessarily titled bridesmaids. My sister lives out-of-state and feels very disconnected from the family cause she cannot afford to travel (I have made arrangements to get her out here and pay for her dress). I want her to stand by me and feel like a special part of the family by having this special role. I also plan on having a wedding cake, and a huge reception.

I guess my biggest question is why is this considered inappropriate? Why is it such a big deal to have the wedding I never had with the man I love, and want to recommit to each other after almost losing it all? I realize certain traditional wedding aspects will not be appropriate, like a bachelor/ette party, garter/bouquet toss, money dance, and gifts/gift registry, but with the right vow wording I do not see an issue with the big wedding.

[the_admin]

The answer is pretty simple - you're already married. A wedding is a ceremony to marry two people. What is worn, what is said, and what is done during that service is specifically geared toward joining a man and a woman in marriage. To think that you can just do this again at anytime in any manner really devalues the wedding ceremony and the vows you once exchanged. Plus, it's confusing to guests invited to a wedding for a couple who is already married. Imagine receiving a wedding invitation from a couple you've known to be married for 15 years. What would you think? Scan some of our other threads to see what other guests have said and asked.

I'd encourage you to examine what you want to accomplish with this event you're planning and then go from there. If you'd like to have the opportunity to publicly reaffirm your vows and love for one another, then the wedding vow renewal ceremony is perfect. But, it's not a wedding. If, however, you're looking to somehow get a chance to go back 15 years and have the wedding you didn't have back then, I'm afraid you may be disappointed. There's no time machine that I'm aware of, but, if there was, there's a whole bunch of stuff I'd like to go back and do over...better...like my senior prom (what a hairdo!), my son's first birthday (just because he's grown now), etc.

[Rowena]

I think you may have misunderstood me. Let me start off by saying, I do not plan to spin this as a wedding, or send invites to a wedding. I agree that would be weird. I do plan on specifically stating in the invite that it is a formal vow renewal ceremony, something to the tune of...
"John and Jane Doe, Cordially invite you to witness as they celebrate their life together by renewing their wedding vows. After 15 years together, we decided to do the formal ceremony & reception we did not do the first time". (maybe even deleting the word wedding altogether, I don't know).

The more I browse the internet, I have found renewals have become increasing popular with couples in an age where divorces out number marriages. "Lavish vow renewals" as they are calling them, have become the "it" thing among several celebrity couples including Melanie Brown (spice girl), Eric Snow (basketball player), NFL Star Adrian Wilson, Teresa and Joe Giudice from Real Housewives, even Heidi & Seal before their divorce All of which wearing a wedding dress BTW.

Other vow renewal sites pretty much contradicts everything you are saying. They say it's the hottest trend right now, and "Get creative with your vow renewal style! There are no rules, so do it your way! Figure out what suits you and your spouse and go with it. It’s really as simple as that!"

I'm kinda liking their advice better. Besides, I have never been the pretentious, traditional type anyway. (Venue, Caterer, Cake booked; Ivory wedding dress bought).

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[the_admin]

If you want to pattern yourself after a couple who obviously had marital issues or the "real" housewives of NJ (I used to live near them and have seen how they behave in public and I'm way more "real" than those women) that's your prerogative. I don't. Personally, I'd prefer to be mannerly (and live in the present) which, by the way, is not pretentious.

What a shame that you seem to hold up these dysfunctional people as those we should idolize or emulate.

You can call your service whatever you want but, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and acts like a duck -- it's a duck. If you wear a wedding dress and exchange vows, it's a wedding.

I don't see why couples would want to try to go back in time to redo what's already been done when a wedding vow renewal service is there for the taking. I think what you're looking for is a way to go back in time and recapture what didn't happen.