[Lynden97]

My boyfriend and I are very in love and plan on getting married. We have both been married before, and he has told me that he spent $849 for the engagement ring for his first wife. He bought it for her when he was at a financial low point in his life. He owns and runs a successful business now, but is by no means rich. I would marry him even if he got me a plastic ring out of a gumball machine, but have told him that I would feel hurt if he did not spend at least as much on my ring as he did for his first wife. He does not understand this at all and he's made it sound like he has no intention of spending an equal amount on me. I know that money does not equate to how much a person is loved, but I can't help feeling like if I got a ring that cost less than hers then he must not value our relationship in comparison to theirs. Am I asking for or expecting too much? Would it be wrong for me to be hurt if he spent less on me?

[the_admin]

Why do men insist on telling what they spent on a gift? I'll never understand that thought process. Sigh...

In any event, judging by what you've already said, I think you know your answer. Be honest with yourself, though. Discuss why you feel the way you do about your ring and go shopping together to select one based on the way it looks and feels, and not by the price tag. If he's paying, then like any gift, you shouldn't know the cost.

[Dr. Meredith Hansen]

I agree with our moderator. The focus of your engagement should not be on your ring. Yes, it's fantastic to have a ring that you love, and shopping together may help accomplish this. So try to focus on the meaning of the ring rather than the cost of it.

I also think it's important to take a step back and reflect on any other feelings that may be surfacing for you. It sounds like you may be comparing yourself to his ex-wife, and this line of thinking may become a slippery slope for you. You and your boyfriend are about to start a new life together and any issues, resentments, or comparisons regarding his previous marriage or your previous marriage will get in the way.

Take time to get your feelings out on the table now. Talk about any issues or concerns you have and remember that when couples argue about money they are most often arguing about an unexpressed emotion, such as fear, or unmet need.

[Etiquette Now]

Great advice all around and I completely agree. Since you two will be married soon, your pot of money will be the same pot. So, it may be best to begin to think of any expenditure in this light. Choosing the ring based on your preferences while watching the price tag is in your self interest as well as his. And, the amount he/you spend on the ring has nothing to do with how much he loves you.