Holidays causing a big problem

#2 Jill

Family Psychotherapist

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I am engaged to a wonderful widow who has a teenaged daughter. We all live together and for the past months I have for all intents been the 'father' of the family. Her late husband passed away 8 years ago. This past Sunday (also known as Father's Day) her daughter 'let it slip' that she had asked her mom if she could buy me a Father's Day gift but that her mom (my fiancee) said 'no'. I have never been so hurt in my entire life, and I am not kidding. My fiancee later said she was sorry, but that her grief for her late husband 'got in the way'. I can't believe she would GO OUT OF HER WAY to be sure I didn't get the slightest bit of recognition on what I had thought was going to be a day of celibration of our new family. Understand this, please: SHE TOLD HER DAUGHTER TO N O T BUY ME A FATHER'S DAY GIFT OR CARD. I know we are all cut from different molds, but I can't get past this and it may end up ruining our relationship. I have also respectfuly asked that at least SOME of the many many pictures of her late husband be removed from the walls of what is now my home, and that hasn't happened. Where can I go for help, please?

I can understand how hurt you must have been and I hope you have let your fiancee know this. Quite possibly she just didnt think about the impact on you, and now that you have talked it over (and you say she has said sorry) it wont happen again. Perhaps she trully did speak to her daughter without thinking. Do try not to let it settle into resentment which can poison any relationship. I am wondering about the motive of the daughter letting it 'slip out'?

Do try too to talk about your feelings of so many photos of your partner's late husband. Again, it may be that your fiancee has just got used to them around, and has not thought of the effect on you.

You will both need time to settle into a new set-up and you say you have only been living together for a few months. Also, you say she is wonderful - so grasp the nettle and sort this out together. It will be worth it.

Jill Curtis, Psychotherapist, Family Onwards, Author of How to Get Married ... Again (A Guide to Second Weddings)

#3 M. Giordano

PA Attorney

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I am a widow with young children who also had a bunch of pictures of their father all over my home. I figured it was good for the kids to remember however I didn't realize it made my fiance, at the time, uncomfortable. Although he has a great relationship with the kids he asked me if it would be all right to contain these pictures to my children's bedrooms. I agreed and I don't have issue with it...all is well. Possibly your fiance doesn't know how you feel so be sure to discuss it calmly and let her know you're hurt.

Frankly, it never dawned on me that my fiance would have a problem with these photos since, after all, the man IS no longer here and not a threat to his relationship with me but, once he let me know I did see his point. We even went as far as to move from the family home into a new home we purchased together to make a new start. We all have to compromise a bit and COMMUNICATE!

Michael C. Giordano, Attorney in Mechanicsburg, PA

Disclaimer: Answers are not legal advice and is never a substitute for professional advice from an attorney licensed in your jurisdiction and retained to represent you.

#4 DCAurora

Member

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Posts: 15

Thank you very much for your comments; sometimes it just helps to know we're not alone or crazy in our feelings. I think my step-daughter had no motive other than to joke about it; she's quite a kidder.

My fiancee and I have talked about all the photos, very calmly. So far only their wedding photo has been removed. In time, I guess maybe the others will too.

Thank you again.