[angryX]

My ex-husband is getting remarried next weekend. He has asked my daughter (13) to be in the wedding as the ring bearer.

This past weekend she was supposed to have gone dress shopping with her future step mother and grandmother. However, she returned with no dress and stated that I needed to get her one. She said the wedding was informal so she didn't need an expensive dress. No other information was given.

Her father is a classic deadbeat dad and is over a year behind on child support. He contributes nothing to her financial support in any way.

Though we've been divorced over ten years and I have remarried I still have a lot of anger at him over his behavior during and after our marriage. We try to keep things as civil as possible for the sake of our daughter.

I feel this was highly inappropriate, inconsiderate and tacky. I realize that if she were in anyone else's wedding, I would be responsible to buy her dress, however I was not consulted about it at all. I am angry that I have been given roughly four days to find a dress for what I feel is his responsibility.

She does not currently have a dress in season that fits her and there really isn't a good reason why I can't buy her a new dress outside of inconvenience. I also realize the only person that we will be hurting if we push back on this is my daughter. The "adult" side of me wants to be a bigger person and be there for my daughter and not cause her discomfort. He nor his family is ever going to change and nothing I do will alter that reality.

Is it my responsibility to buy her a dress for my ex's wedding or am I letting anger cloud my judgement? I will likely do it anyway for my daughter's sake. I don't want to be petty but I am tired of being taken advantage of.

Thank you in advance.

[the_admin]

It seems to me you already know the answer (you're a terrific mom!). I'm sorry that you've been put into this position.

In a perfect world, the purchase of the outfit really should have been done by the girl's father (the groom) but, as you know, it's not a perfect world. Plus, a ring bearer is usually a small boy, so that makes the dress selection even more difficult. Who knows what they might want. If there is any way to communicate to the bride, I'd try to ask there. Otherwise, whatever dress you buy, get the store's return and exchange policy. Hey, maybe you could get something appropriate at a local consignment shop or on ebay (with super fast shipping). But since they haven't told you what they expect, I'm not sure how to guide you with respect to the type of dress to choose.

[angryX]

Sometimes it just makes you feel better to be justified in your anger even when you know what the right thing is.

Thank you! I feel better already =)

[Etiquette Now]

Dear Angry,

You have every right to be angry. He should buy the dress as he is her father. Plus, he has put his daughter in an embarrassing position of ring bearer at her age. She is much too old for this role. But, none of this helps with the situation at hand. Perhaps you could buy her a dress you want her to have, one she can wear later.

Best wishes,