[gogirl2910]

I am hurt and in need of some advice. My boyfriend of many years has a sister getting re-married. It is her 3rd marriage and his 1st. My boyfriend is divorced with a daughter(12) and I have 2 daughters (10 & 7). My children have been excluded from the wedding, while my boyfriend's daughter has been invited.The bride has always been friendly to me, told me she thinks of me as her sister-in-law and my children as her nieces-they call her Auntie, but, over this holiday weekend, she indirectly mentioned several times in front of me that children would not be asked to the wedding except for her niece (my boyfriend's daughter) and a couple of other children they know. I am not an overly emotional person, but I was very hurt personally and for my girls. I am very happy for her and want her to have a beautiful wedding, but I am considering not attending and making mention that I do not have access to a babysitter (they are getting married over a holiday weekend). I would truly appreciate any advice.[]

[the_admin]

You haven't mentioned how your boyfriend feels about this and what he has said. Have you discussed this issue with him? Perhaps he has some insight? Maybe he could casually bring the subject up with his sister?

If you're still not invited, I wouldn't feel slighted. This woman probably has no idea she's hurting you. This is a prime example of why etiquette is so important to follow since it really isn't polite to invite some children and not others. The only time this (IMO) is acceptable is if the children don't know the bride and groom but the parents do. In that case I feel the couple has every right to include only those close to them.

Please consider the options of attention or not since each could have family repercussions. Again, I'd speak to our boyfriend before making any decisions.

[gogirl2910]

My boyfriend & I have discussed it, at length-he agrees with me & said given the same set of circumstances (ie:my sister getting married & inviting the children in our family, but not inviting his daughter) he would be upset too. I have told him, I don't want to start a problem, either between me & his sister or between the 2 of them. Also, I don't want an after the fact invite, like I pushed the issue, so go ahead & bring them-no thanks! These are not young 20 somethings getting married that don't realize the impact of a decision they have made. This couple is in their late 40s, not especially fond of kids-but is allowing some in lieu of others-to me, just plain hurtful! For example the groom's best man has a child with special needs, & they have been told they are welcome to bring their daughter...all of this being said right in front of me. At least have the decency to pull me aside & talk to me personally-I have known her for years. I know you advised not to feel slighted, but I do-I am hurt & my daughters will be very hurt too when they come to understand that they can't come to the wedding. I am thinking I will respond to her wedding in the same manner she has treated me-I will send a card & wish her well, but stay home with my children & make plans with them instead. In my opinion, you can't call someone your family, as she has done, & then turn around & decide it "just doesn't fit" this time-what an eye opener!

[Etiquette Now]

I am so sorry this has happened. As much as it hurt you to write this, I want to thank you for posting all of it for others to read.

I have been advising couples that to invite some children not others can be hurtful for years. It is a tough sell because there are some very well-known etiquette professionals (actually only one that I know of) who state that it is just fine to do so. I don't see how this advice can be rationalized though.

I suppose one way to try to calm down or alleviate your hurt feelings would be to focus on the fact that there is advice out there that states that the couple may omit invitations to children outside the bridal party if they wish. Perhaps this is the advice they chose to take. This is a very good reason for all of us to really think about how our actions can affect others. Just because someone said that it is all right to do "whatever" doesn't mean that it is fair or kind or that we should do it.

Take care. I'm so sorry.

[the_admin]

I'm sorry that she has hurt you. And, you're correct, she should know better, but obviously she's got no manners. Just take it from where it's coming and realize she's not the best person. I guess when I said not to feel slighted, I meant more that it's probably not a reflection on your children or you as a mother. This woman obviously hasn't the ability to be mannerly or care for others feelings. Since she has no children, and doesn't appear to enjoy their company, I'd say her loss and move on. With all of the information given I'd probably do the same as you, however, I would tell her that she hurt my feelings and that is the reason I'm not attending. I generally am the type of person who "tells it like it is". Only you can decide what's best for you.

Just try not to allow this problem to come between you and the boyfriend.

I wish you well.

[gogirl2910]

Thank you for your input & advice, I truly appreciate it. This situation has really shook me up (more than I care to admit!) & made me question my relationship with someone that I considered family, just like a sister-in-law. I have spoke to my boyfriend-I told him I do not need an immediate answer, but I want to know if it is important to him that I attend the wedding. If he tells me yes, I will put my best foot forward & go. If he says no, I will send her a card wishing her well & make other plans that weekend. Shame on her though, a wedding is one day, it will come & go-but in the process she has damaged our relationship & I will be much more guarded when she is around my children, insisting they call her Auntie. She should know better, this is her 3rd time at the alter!

[the_admin]

Maybe it's the reason it's her third time!

[gogirl2910]

Exactly! I promise I am normally not a catty person. I really hope this marriage works for her. I have never been married & my boyfriend's marriage was short lived. I adopted my sister's children after losing her several years ago. They were very young at the time & my boyfriend stood by me through the entire process. My youngest (7) has no memories of her & her sister (10) remembers just a bit. My boyfriend's sister knows this history & how hard I have worked to make sure they feel loved, included & part of a family-which is why it is just mean-spirited to make the choice she made. I feel that every visit we have made to her house, her inquiries about how they are doing etc, have all been fake/phony & some of her past behavior that I had noticed, but brushed off thinking I was being overly sensitive makes sense now. I'm sure at some point, I will be with her at a holiday or family event & it would be great if we could all talk about the wedding, but it will probably be the white elephant in the room. This was someone I used to look forward to going out to dinner with or going to get our nails done together, oh brother!

[the_admin]

Thank you for offering more information. I can really see why you're so hurt for these kids and for yourself. it is a shame. But, as you mentioned, this woman is not a kid friendly person, so maybe just try to think of her in that way. I understand the desire for all of you to become a family too. Obviously her idea of family and yours differ. Hopefully your boyfriend shares your family ideals and one day you'll be married and all of you will be family. Until then, from what I can tell be reading just these snippets, you're doing a wonderful job parenting these kids. (My mom does when I was a kid and my husband died when my kids were babies so I totally get what you're dealing with). Unfortunately, we cannot choose who we're related to or how they behave. Just keep being the caring and supportive person you are and don't let those who are less so get you down!

Wouldn't it be a perfect world if everyone did exactly as we hope? []

Thanks for sharing.