[Hanna]

And what a dilemma to have!! - Let me start with saying that I am absolutely thrilled to be engaged to my partner. Now to the ring... My partner has a beautiful ring that was his grandmother's wedding ring, which he gave to his first wife. Since he asked for it back he has it and has shown it to me. But now that I've seen it as she wore it, and read about the relatively strict etiquette about re-using rings, I feel a bit funny about it. He had the lovely idea of re-designing it to reflect me as a person but using the same stone. I'm sure the answer is 'whatever feels best for me and my partner' but I was hoping for an answer to how frowned upon my potential lovely ring might become, and hopefully a wee bit of advice about how I'm likely to feel wearing it. I know I should be able to answer that one myself, but I can't - I've never been engaged or married before and this all means a lot to me. Firstly I want us to have a wonderful future together and enjoy the day (and if possible not think about the ex midway through the ceremony) and so I don't really want anything from his first involved in ours. Secondly I do not want to embarrass myself, him, or anyone who was at the first.

Also (stupid little kid question) but what if I regret it 10 years later if I don't accept it and I could have had a family heirloom and enjoyed the beautiful gesture....??

Finally if we don't go down that route, I am wondering if it's strictly necessary to even have an engagement ring??

Thank you in advance.

[the_admin]

Just the fact that you're questioning it now leads me to suggest selecting another ring. You'll be looking at that ring ever day for the rest of your life (and thinking of the former wife?).

Hope that helps you decide.

[Etiquette Now]

I agree. If you feel squimish about it in any way, it means that it bothers you enough not to wear it. However, we don't really look upon "heirloom" rings as we do others. These are typically passed down to new wives in the family. But, these are usually only worn by the first wife--"usually" is the operative word here. Our "usuallys" are changing quickly. Every year we have more encore marriages, so it just may become more common for the heirloom ring to be passed to the encore bride as well.

Bottom line: if you like the ring and feel comfortable with it, wear it. If it were me, though, I'd choose another one and keep the ring to pass to our children.

[Hanna]

Thank you for your response. I think we all agree!

I also wanted to say your site is brilliant. I find you all very respectful and helpful.

[the_admin]

Thanks for appreciating us. We appreciate you as well.

Please let us know how this works out for you.