[southerncharm39]

I know this sounds unbelievable but I really have a problem with this.

He and I met many years ago at work and was immedialy attracted to each other both mentally and physically. He was married so I honestly never intended on it going past just harmless flirting at work. Needless to say, it went way past the harmless flirting. He left his wife and moved in with me, we were extreamly happy and very nuch in love. His wife finally told him after realizing he wasnt comeing back on his own that if he didnt come back he would never see his child again. He and I talked about it and even though it hurt us both deeply he returned and made it work for his child. He and I still stayed in touch from time to time but only through text messages or emails. I honored his decision and respected him for making it even if it hurt I knew he did what he felt like he had to for the best intrest of his child and I would never stand in the way of that. It has been 6 years since he went back and when I would hear from him he never seemed really happy just content. He still always would tell me that he still loved me. After going back he turned his life over to God and even became a youth pastor at his church. I was very proud of him. About a week before Christmas I got a text from him out of the blue, first one I had gotten in a while. He didnt say much at first just a short message that said he still loved me as much as always and thought about me all the time. Even though hearing that made me happy it just seemed out of the norm so after telling him that I thought about him as well and still loved him I ask him what was wrong that he knew he could talk to me about whatever was bothering him because I was still his friend. He then told me that his wife had been diagnosed with stage 4 liver cancer the previous month. I was devestated, I immediatly felt a pain in my heart for her. I was also concerned for him and his child as I know it had to be very hard to believe and deal with. I assured him that I would be here for him if he ever needed to vent or just someone to talk to and that God has a reason for this and that we had to just hold her in prayer and let God take over. We communicated through text every few days or so after that and everytime we talked he told me that he loved me and I the same because just because he had went back didnt mean my love or his stopped. over the past few months we have gotten to where we talk on the phone on a daily routine. We have still not seen each other since he went back 6 years ago. Our love is still there and still VERY strong but we both know that she is the main concern now. We talk during the week but at night and the weekends I wont talk to him because I told him he needed that time with her. We know that it is just a matter of time before she passes and its very hard on everyone. Here lately more then normal he tells me that he loves me and soon we will have the life we started and that I will never have to lose him again. we have talked about our extended future and possiable marriage and even started getting ideas on where to move that will be best for both our jobs and children. I feel guilty about making plans for our life while she is in the shape she is in and he said he also feel guilty at times because even when he is with her all he thinks about is me and our future. I am worried that he is expecting to be able to handle her passing easier then I know he really will and he will be able to just pick up and move on but I know from experiance that its not that easy. I do not want him to ever forget his life with her, they have a child together and they will need for him to hold on to the love that he had for her just as my son needs to know that I loved his father until he died. I know that our timing even from the beginning was way off but I also know that everything happens for a reason. There is not a doubt that we were meant to be together, if we wasnt and it was just a mistake then neither of us would have held the love just as strong for this long. He went back and I moved on but neither of us could make it into what we had together. I have purposly kept my distance since finding out about her. Can anyone please help me know how to help him deal with his loss when the time comes and to let him grieve properly not only for himself and his child but for our future together as well. I wont lie, I am very devistated at the situation with her health but at the same time there is a small piece of me that cant help but be happy that the day I get my one and only true love back forever is within sight. Dont get me wrong, I do not in anyway want her to suffer or die, I pray for a miricle every day. But in all truth and reality her time is quickly comeing to an end. So please tell me what to do. How do I prepair myself for whats soon to come? How do I help him through it all and once everything is done how do I deal with all of her family and I am sure several others that probably wont look at our relationship in the reality of what it really is and that since he went back he was completely committed to her and I never interfered instead of looking at me as the one that is the horriable mistress that is trying to take her place? I never want to replace her, I want to honor her memory and her life always. I truely do admire her for being able to still hold her head high while her body is at war inside against this horriable disease and the cancer is winning every battle and will soon win the war. She is a remarkable woman but I do love him and I cant turn my back on what I know was one day meant to be. I am totally losing my mind please help.

[Yvonne Kelly]

This is a loaded situation with many emotions and some that seem to be contradictory. But they're all real. The losses are all real and it would seem that the love you have for one another is also real. I would stop fighting your feelings or feelling guilty for them, although that is easier said than done. But not fighting them is different then indulging them. There are still some hurdles and time that needs to pass before you can be together if you want this to work for the long-term. Because you were both able to put off being together because he put his son and family life first, I believe you will be able together to plan this so it works out for him again. I know you're probably aware that rushing into something immediately after his wife dies, would not be appropriate nor would it work. His son will need some time to adjust and time will tell us how much. Also, if you want to know how to help your partner grieve and adjust, then I would suggest you encourage him to seek counselling on this. You can be supportive but you are too close to the situation, and you aren't a trained therapist, so given the complexity of this and the contradictory emotions he is trying to deal with and will need to deal with for some time, a trained therapist seems to be a good choice for him when the time comes.

Perhaps for yourself it will also help you to seek out a coach or someone you can talk to.

As for the two of you, I would say you can't fight your emotions or feelings for each other, but perhaps allowing him to focus on the tasks at hand and making a rational decision to put off some of your planning for the future, for now anyway, would help you to keep you emotions in check. There is nothing wrong with how you feel for each other in my opinion. but indulging this will likely only make you feel more guilty or dishonest right now. Talking about your future and spending a lot of time together in an initiamte way will only make your bond closer and make it harder to stay separate for now.

I would also encourage you to talk to someone about how you proceed now, and after his wife passes.

Pre-remarriage counselling of some kind at the right time, would be a given for the two of you as a couple, but even talking about how you proceed in terms of dating, with his young son in the picture following such a loss, would also be wise. Rushing any of this will only cause it to backfire I believe. So that is why pacing your pre-occupation with each other at this point is advised, as indulging your feelings for each other right now will only make it more difficult (maybe impossible)for the two of you to stop yourselves from rushing into a relationship afterward.

This is a situation that requires a lot of self-control, patience (you've already both shown you can exercise that) and rational thinking. I hope for all of you, that out of some tragic losses, can come another chance at life that can have meaning and happiness for not only the two of you, but for his son as well.

All the best.

[southerncharm39]

Thank you so much for your reply. Everything you said was so true and it actually helped me very much. Like I stated in my original post, even though it is hard, I will not allow us to have any physical contact what so ever at the present time for the simple fact I could never live with myself for disrespecting her in that way with everything she is going through. He and I both agree that keeping it totally between the two of us is for the best right now as we both live in very small towns 20 minutes away from each other. I doubt that he would be willing to talk with anyone at the moment basicly for the same reason I wont see him. We disrespected her 6 years ago and even though him and I gained an amazing love during that time the fact still remains that it was wrong. I am more then willing to wait as long as I have to and do whatever I can to help him and his son through this. They both along with my two wonderful boys are my life and I love them so much. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your guidence and I will be sure and keep you posted on how things are going.

[the_admin]

This particular question is really outside the scope of our online forum and subject matter. If, at some point, you find yourself engaged and getting married, please feel welcome to come back and post.
However, I'd encourage you not to post so much personal detail.

Your situation is known by our panel and we will be in prayer for you. God bless you.