[jb73]

I was married for the first time by a judge at the court house 9 years ago. My (now ex-) husband and I had only 2 guests who served also as witnesses. We did not tell our families until after we were married. Over a month and a half later we had a small (family only) "meet and greet" dinner at a restaurant in celebration of our wedding. We respectfully asked that guests not bring gifts but instead pay for their own meals. After, we had cake and drinks at my in-laws. Some guests did bring gifts or gave cards containing money. I had no bridal shower and did not register anywhere for gifts. In addition, we married because I was pregnant and it seemed like the "right thing to do". Obviously, it wasn't.

Now, I have truly met the man of my dreams and we are in the early stages of planning our wedding. This is my fiance's first marriage and he wants an elaborate and traditional affair. I, too, want to have a full-blown wedding since I missed out on it the first time. My fiance expects that we will register and assumes I will be thrown a bridal shower. I don't want anyone in my family to be burdened by additional gift giving or feel that we have not followed proper second-marriage etiquette. What would be right to do?

[Etiquette Now]

Dear Jb,

You may register. But, the shower is optional and no one is obligated to host one for you. If someone does offer, you may accept. It is not polite to ask anyone to host it for you.

In the future, please do not invite anyone to a restaurant for any reason and not pay for their meals. This isn't polite. If we invite, we pay.

Best wishes,

[the_admin]

Ah - congrats on the happiness!

Showers for second weddings are often omitted, especially if both bride and groom have been married before, simply because they shouldn't need any 'stuff".

If you accept a shower, please note that anyone who gave a shower gift the first time isn't obligated to give again (though they usually do since it's embarrassing to attend a shower without bringing a gift). That's another reason to skip this event - unless you decide on a giftless shower which is becoming very popular in these tough economic times.

However, it is fine to register for gifts for a second wedding. You would only mention the gift registry if asked, though. No listing in the wedding invitation.

We have a lot of information about second weddings all over this website so please take a moment to search the forum and use the links on the left to navigate to other areas of interest.

Best Wishes for a successful and happy marriage.