[tictackay]

I am about to wed for the second time. My two beautiful daughters, who are 15 and 13, are both my maids of honor. They insist that because they are the maids of honor they are suppose to give me a shower and they are very adament about it. Is it ok for them to do that? They have asked two of my longtime friends to help them as well, so they are not attempting this alone.

[Etiquette Now]

Dear Tictackay,

Since they are your attendants, they may host. But, because they are also your daughters, they need to plan this even more carefully than usual to avoid this appearing improper--like a gift grab. It might appear as if you are planning in the background and want to garner more gifts.

The gift-less shower might be a good option. Of course keeping the guest list tight would be great as well.

Best wishes,

[tictackay]

My two best friends are really doing most of the shower, but my girls just want to feel like they are doing it (they are children after all, so how much can they really do alone LOL)....my fiance and I have registered gifts because there are things that we need that we do not have. When I moved from my home in SC I left many things behind and his ex wife took things that he has not yet replaced as well. We also recently remodeled his home and there are things we could use. SO what do we do? Why do you have a shower if you dont need gifts?

[Etiquette Now]

You would be receiving wedding gifts, so it isn't as if a gift giving opportunity is elusive. Many now feel that requesting gifts from those who attend a shower is like asking each of those "special" people to give two gifts--one wedding and one shower. The shower should be more than just a gift giving event. It is supposed to be a time to generate excitement in the upcoming wedding, which is why we only invite those who are invited to the wedding and only those who are very close.

[the_admin]

Also, it should be noted that if guests are being invited who were invited to a shower for your first wedding (and brought a gift for that shower) they should not be expected to bring a gift for the second shower (although most will/do).

[tictackay]

Absolutely, all my closest friends are people who did not know me nor attend my first wedding 20 years ago.

[the_admin]

Don't forget family...yours and his.

[tictackay]

Yes, I have no family to invite...my mom, both grandmothers and aunt are all deceased. Also, the people who are invited to the shower all live in my hometown an hour and a half from where our wedding will be held. I am not sure if most of them will be able to travel to the wedding, so thought I should invite them to the shower so I can at least see them.

Also, what about my fiances' family, friends and relatives that live here or in other states? Do I invite them or not....HELP!!!!!!!!!!

[Etiquette Now]

Please remember that only those invited to the wedding may be invited to a shower. And, anyone who is invited to the wedding may be invited to the shower. But, this should be a small, intimate event. No more than 35, which is still a large amount, of guests should be invited.

You can suggest a guest list, but your hosts decide how many they will host. So, your friends will decide on the final total amount.

[the_admin]

Usually we only invite those who are closest to the couple. If they are close friends, then we assume they will travel to the wedding.

[tictackay]

What about the relatives who live here who would have to travel an hour and a half to the shower or relatives in other states/ How do I handle inviting or not inviting them?

[Etiquette Now]

The advice stands. If they are invited to the wedding, they may be invited to the shower. They decide if they wish to attend. But, not all need to be invited. This should be a small intimate party.

Only those very close need be invited. How you handle not inviting them is something you will have to decide. You don't have to explain.

If they don't attend, they are not obligated to give a gift.