[robynlovesphil]

I'm pretty upset right now about something I have seen on here.

I believe this site is way off-base on their ideas of what is "Appropriate". How can you tell a woman to "Wait until he gets back"? I'm sorry but, you dont know what you are saying there.

I myself am a military spouse. My husband and I got married at the courthouse because I was in the Army too when we were wed and preparing to deploy to Afghanistan left no time for a wedding, and to do it after my return wouldnt make sense either because then he would still be in Iraq.

So you are saying we should have waited two years? What is one of us hadnt made it back? What is all the wives who did what I did waited, and instead of them getting the flag they earned, they got nothing but heartache?

And by earned I mean it.

You say it should only be done for people hitting "Milestones" or after overcomeing major things, but what is your definition of milestone?

I belive that a couple that has spent 10 years always togeather, always faithful, always in sync doesnt love each other as much as a true military spouse. We send care packages and letters, cling to our phones awaiting a rare phone call just to hear their voice-or because we are afraid of a different kind of call, doorbells scare us because thats how flags are delivered, day in day out we are alert because we want that contact, we are FAITHFUL even when they're gone for over a year, and we manage to stay in sync with each other even so far apart. Yes we earned the right to say we have reached a milestone when they come back, because they are alive.

The military is a different world all togeather. What flies for a civilian family, isnt the same for a military family. So you are free to say whatever you want, and probably delete this thread, but remember you are free to do so because of sacrafice, and I belive that is a milestone worth a major celebration, so thet them have their in-proper weddings, and just be thankful you arent online at 2AM because you heard your husband will be near a FOB and can get on a computer just for tonight to tell you he loves you.

By the way, I do have one thing to say in your favor: I agree with most things, just not the military wifes issues.



HOOAH!

[the_admin]

First, let me say that we have all the respect, and appreciation, in the world for our military and their sacrifices. But, that is not what this site is all about.

As an aside: I am a widow of a firefighter who died serving our city so I understand and appreciate sacrifice. I also know what it's like to wait up nights worrying and wondering.

We all have choices to make and issues in our lives. If a couple chooses to get married, for whatever reason, then they are married. That is the wedding. That's what you're missing. A wedding marries two people. It has all to do with the vows and the license, and not much to do with the dress, gifts or party. So, if you're married, you had a wedding. It may not have been the wedding of your dreams, but the outcome was the same - you're married.

When we mention milestones, we mention that in the context of vow renewal -0 not wedding. We never tell a couple what to do. We give guidance based on etiquette. You can go on to make whatever decision you want. We don't say to wait for any number of years, we suggest marrying when you're ready to accept the responsibility that comes along with marriage and to make that decision once and for all since THAT is your wedding. Again, we all have choices.

Now that you're married, you have a few choices again. You can have a vow renewal ceremony at an appropriate time in your marriage or a blessing of the marriage in a church, but these are not weddings and should not be treated the same. But, these events can, and are, special celebrations of a couple's love, so try to focus on that. Again, it's not about the white dress, it's about the love and commitment. Go ahead and celebrate that. Focus on that. But another wedding? That's just not appropriate and doesn't make sense since you're already married.

You seem angry and anxious. While totally understandable, you may want to get into a support gpoup for military or seek some counseling. This sort of stress can eat you up. This is something I know only too well.

I wish you peace and pray for the safe return for all of our troops. God bless you all.

[Etiquette Now]

I couldn't agree more with the Wedding Queen and do have a bit more to add. You assume that by our responses that we don't understand what military families go through and what their lives are like. This is fair. However, I and probably most of the moderators of this site did go through a little known "war" called Vietnam. I had difficult choices to make during that time period as many others did. Even then, during the days of the draft, people didn't have two weddings because their significant other was forced to fight in a war in a foreign land. So we do understand and realize that sometimes we all have to make decisions that don't seem fair for ourselves. And, I do appreciate everything our military is doing and has done, including the sacrifices. Members of my family have been deployed and will be, so your feelings and frustrations do strike home.

It might help to ask yourself what you really want. You wanted to be married, you are. The type of ceremony doesn't make you any more or any less married. Even if you decide, which is your decision, to host a "wedding" for yourself, it wouldn't be a gift giving situation and could be embarrassing for you in the end. We hear from so many who are invited to these events who feel awkward and embarrassed for the couple. Some even feel a bit angry for being placed in the position of pretending that this is a wedding when it is clearly not.

But, the decision is ultimately yours to make. We can only try to help guide you and others to make decisions based on what is thought to be socially acceptable. And, if you still feel as if we are way off base and out of touch, there are many other etiquette professionals who feel the same as us. Miss Manners is a great example.

Additionally, the rules of etiquette are a social contract we, as a society, have designed for all. When we try to include an "if", such as "If the couple is in the military" the rules fall apart quite quickly. We end up with rules that cannot be fair for all because there will be too many "ifs" and too many alternate "rules". It just wouldn't be logical anymore and etiquette should seem logical.

I hope you can find something that makes you less angry and more happy about your marriage as it stands. Perhaps a large coming home party when both of you are home for good. That would be something very wonderful to celebrate. And, something I would love to hear about.

Best wishes for you both and I hope both of you are safe and home soon.