[Judy M]

I was widowed over 1-1/2 yrs ago at 45 years old. My zest for life has always been strong, but its even more precious now. I started dating in January and met some nice people. In April, I met this man who is incredible. He is very special and we have a very easy relationship. I've explained that I am not looking for marriage. One main reason is that I currently receive my husbands pension. He worked 20 yrs as a policeman for that pension and, because of that, I have been able to keep my beautiful house and standard of living. I know its only money but its my stability. Is this normal to be feeling this way? It's only money but, if I remarry, I loose it. Is this just one more stage of grieving?

Thank you for your help.

[Alyssa Johnson]

Hi Judy,

I don't know that I'd say this is a stage of grieving or not. There's a practicality aspect to it too. You seem to have some fears about relying on someone again if you remarry. Right now, thanks to your husband's pension, you've been able to remain independent and not had to change your lifestyle drastically. That pension is something that gives you control over decisions you make. Without that pension, all of those things change.

With all of the changes you've already experienced in a relatively short period of time, trying to protect yourself from more changes makes a lot of sense.

Over time you may change your mind, but I think it's important for you to trust and honor how you're feeling now.

Best wishes!

[Yvonne Kelly]

I couldn't agree more with the advice given already. You have every right to do what is right for you and that includes safeguarding your future. If you do change your mind and decide that marriage the second time around is for you, you can always do that. However, a committed, loving relationship is something you can have without a marriage ceremony. And not to be pessimistic, but it is just a fact that second families or marriages with children, adult or otherwise, can be extremely challening. You didn't mention whether either of you had children or not, but there is a high divorce rate amongst second marriages with children because of the complex nature of these unions, and it happens even when people least expect it. We advise anyone who is seeking to remarry and or blend their families, to consider this very carefully. If you can have a warm relatioship with this person and decide to do that without marrying, at least for now, that can be one way of establising if this is indeed the long-term commitment that you want to have in your life at this time.

Best of Luck!

[the_admin]

Judy -

You say you met this man in April and I'll assume you mean of this year. So, it's still very early in the game. Why not do as Yvonne suggests and see how the relationship progresses before you decide on something as important as marriage again. Allow yourself some time to experience the thrill of the courtship. If it's true love, it will wait for you to be ready or maybe you'll find that not being married makes you happiest.

I've been widowed for 20 years and am not remarried yet. I just don't see the rush. [] Isn't is silly that these governments feel as though, just because you marry someone new, the new husband should take on the responsibility of supporting you and your family - the family of their own fallen officer? Boy, are they living in the dark ages.


Take Care.