[wife2be]

I am getting remarried in October and my fiance has approached the idea of hyphenating my daughter's name to include his. I love the idea but am concerned about her response. She is 6 years old - is she too young to include in this conversation? I don't want her to feel that she has lost her identity but really want her to feel that she is part of this "new" family. My fiance is struggling with my hesitation on the topic and that makes me sad. We plan to have children in the near future - would this name change help? Thank you in advance for your response.

[the_admin]

Where is the child's father? Are you divorced, widowed, other?

[wife2be]

In response to your question: I am divorced. Her father sees her regularly at this point in time. We are moving in June to another province so his access will be limited. She has known the man I am to marry for two years though we do not live with him yet (that will change in May). She is very close to both men in her life. Her father is also in another relationship and does live with his partner and her daughter.

My original question should also include: If you think hyphenating the name is appropriate, how much input/ choice should she have in the decision? Am I going to mess with her identity in an effort to include her in the "new family."

[the_admin]

The first thing you'll need to do is to check with your divorce decree to see if it, and her father, have any objection to you changing her name. You may not be able to do this legally. Plus, legalities aside, consider her father's feelings in the matter and come to a conclusion together since she is the daughter of you both.

[wife2be]

It has not escaped me that her father needs to be included in the discussion (we have a mediated agreement that is open to discussion when necessary). I was looking for more information about adding to a child's last name when blending families. I would like to read more about the effects on the child. In the end I still want to do what is right for her. Could you direct me to additional resources?

[Alyssa Johnson]

Hi wife2b,

I want to address your question about asking your daughter about the name change. Let's put all legalities aside here and just address that directly...

I'm not sure that a 6 year old can really make a good decision on this nor is it fair to ask her because she's so young. At this age, kids will want to please you and not be real open if they object.

Your main rationale for wanting to do this seems to be that you want to include her in the "new" family. There are much better ways of doing this rather than with just a name change.

The name is a formality and nothing more as far as the new family goes. It is a part of her identity as a child of yours and her fathers. Having your "to be" husband's name isn't vital. What is vital is that he treats her as if she were his own daughter. It sounds like he is and that's great!

Later on down the road, once she's older and more mature if the name is still something you wish to pursue, you can bring it up. She's too young right now.

The other concern here is that attempting to add this name change will almost guarantee damaging your co-parenting relationship with her father. I don't think the change is worth the problems it will cause.

I hope that helps!

[Yvonne Kelly]

I completely agree with Alyssa's recommendation. What is important here is the adjustment to the new situation and family, and emphasis should be on the evolving relationships. Changing her name takes the focus off of what is most important. While it is a wonderful gesture on your partner's part, and you can let him know that, I would hope that he can understand this from the point of view of what is in the best interests of your daughter. If he is insistent and doesn't understand, then that is where you may have a problem as I've worked with many stepfathers who do get frustrated when they provide much of what their stepchildren need in life and the children continue to care for and have a "special relationship" with their biological father. This is not a competition or an ownership issue so it is importnat for your partner to know that they can have a wonderful relationship but that in fact, forcing the name issue, could sabotage that or at the very least cause unnecessary problems between you and your ex. We want this child to have great relationships with both fathers and that need not include a name change. I would give you all credit for doing what you've done up to this point to encourage and maintain these good relationships - just keep doing the same and leave the name change issue (if it even needs to be an issue) until she's older and chooses this for herself.

Best of luck.