[tic123]

I am in my mid 20's and my brother and sister are in their upper 20's. A couple years ago my dad left my mother for another woman..(who is very close in age to my oldest brother). Since us children are adults and living away from home and not involved in our parents day to day life..I'm not sure how we should deal with the situation that is taking place now. My sister and I have made it clear that we are hurt by the choices he has made...he is starting over and getting married and having more children the same time we are all in the process of getting married and having children, so it is taking away from us...b/c he's more concerned about this new girl and starting his life together than being there for us as we start this new chapter in our lives... my oldest brother, keeps his feelings inside and doesn't let my dad know that it bothers him.. Now they are getting married, (only a couple of months after my wedding) and he has asked my brother to be the best man... my brother has made it clear to my sister and i that this did not make him happy, but he felt he couldn't say 'no'. I know that it is up to my brother to say it is not comfortable to stand up with my father as he say vows to a woman that he had an affair with on my mother and caused them to break vows... but isn't it wrong that he even asked him to do this. Personally , I feel that b/c of the circumstances and how their relationship came to be...out of respect for his previous family, shouldn't they have a more private ceremony? It's not that I don't want him to be happy.. but I don't want to disrespect my mother by attending their marriage, considering the circumstances and I feel like my brother was put on the spot and it is my fathers way of slapping my mom in the face one last time.. I just don't know how I should handle this upcoming wedding... I don't know what is the right thing to do?

[Alyssa Johnson]

Hi! Thank you for your question.

The thing I heard overwhelmingly in your post is hurt. You sound hurt by what happened to your parent's marriage, hurt by the choices your father made and continues to be making. But mostly hurt, by the fact that he's not being what you assumed a "father" would be for you at this point in your life.

It is going to be important for you to decide what you want from your father at this point in your lives. You have no control over how your siblings handle the situation. All you can decide is what is right for you and support your siblings in how they decide to deal with it.

I noticed hints that you may be fearing how involved your father will be in your life now that he's creating a "new" family. It's important that you discuss those with him openly. BUT...you need to do this in a genuine way, not out of anger or hurt. Just let me know that you're concerned about what his intentions are for his "old" family.

As far as attending the wedding, you're going to have to make your own choice there. If you choose to go, you don't need to discuss that with your mother. If you decide not to go you need to be willing to deal with the consequences of that. That's a very strong statement to your father and it doesn't sound like you're wanting to alienate yourself from your father.

I agree this is a VERY sticky and hurtful situation. You need to deal with that hurt though. Don't just let it fester because it will ruin any type of relationship you may have with your father now or in the future.

Best Wishes!