[bride2be]

Hi, my fiance is the non-custodial parent of his 8-year-old daughter, and she visits us about once a month (due to traveling restraints). We will be moving back to the city where she lives in a year, at which point she will probably visit every weekend. We want to include his daughter in the wedding, but aren't sure how to do it. I still want to make her feel special at the wedding, communicate to her that she will still hold the same place in her dad's heart, and that I am not trying to be her "mother" but a good role model and friend. Any suggestions? Thanks!

[the_admin]

You really are making a new blended family. You can never have too much family as long as it is a loving situation, which I'm sure yours is. There is a unity candle ceremony that can be done with your step daughter.

[Yvonne Kelly]

I agree, you can take any of these symbolic gestures or ceremonies and fit them to your inique situation. And even though it is only the three of you, you will be another family that she will be apart of and benefit from. In fact she makes it a family so that is a special role that she plays already and you can convey that to her.

I appreciate so much what you said about wanting her to know that she will continue to hold the same special place in her Dad's heart and that your intentions are not to take her mother's place, and you will both have lots of opportunities to convey these messages to her before and after the wedding as well. Don't put a lot of pressure on yourself to have to convey so much in one day or through one gesture. Involving her in the wedding in a special way gives her the important message that she is welcomed and cared about and that you both want her to play a special part. This is what's important.

If you would like to read a great book that could help prepare you for being a stepmom to this little girl, I will suggest The Enlightened Stepmother by Perdita Kirkness Norwood. It will be helfpul in answering many of those questions we all have as stepmothers-to-be and will also help you to prepare and nurture yourself for this imporant role. I wish you all the very best as you move on with your new life and your new family. Take good care.

[Alyssa Johnson]

Bride2be, I think it's great that you want to include your fiance's daughter. I don't necessarily believe that some big symbolic event has to occur to do that. You are creating a step family. While you don't see her a lot now, that will be changing and she will be an integral part of your lives on a regular basis. It's important to start things off right. I'm much more inclined to have a good old fashioned conversation, myself. I'd talk to her about your hopes as far as a relationship with her and how important it is to you that she feels she is a part of your wedding - if she wants to be. I don't know what your relationship with her is like right now so you may need your fiance to be present in order for her to feel comfortable. I'd try to give her some freedom in how much or how little she wants to participate in the ceremony. Best wishes!