[reesa]

Hi, I am still a mom to my three stepchildren, I am divorced from their father, separated for 2 years divorced for one. My fiance and I want them at our wedding next spring, the youngest boy is only 10, then a 16 yr old boy and 17 yr old girl. I have liberal visitation with them. Problem one: My parents have health issues that may prevent them from coming from another country to attend the wedding. My fiance's children can attend in either country, I want my children to feel as they belong and be part of the wedding, however the youngest will probably not be able to travel to another country with me. The older ones can get their own passport. Do I get married here or in my home country and risk either hurting my children or my parents? Any suggestions? My fiance wants everyone there if at all possible.

[Etiquette Now]

Dear Step Mother,

This isn't a decision anyone can make for you. This is a personal choice. But, your choice of locations should depend more on where you really want to marry. You can always share the event through pictures and video.

But, it wouldn't be nice to include two of the children and not all.

Do what you think is the right thing to do.

Best wishes,

[Yvonne Kelly]

First of all I want to highly commend you on continuuing to be such a positive presence in the lives of your stepchildren. That you continue to feel that closeness to them and them to you, is absolutely wonderful. And hats off to your fiance who also understands this and wants to have them participate in this way. I am so happy to see this when it happens (and it is the exception) and also that your ex and you have worked out a visitation plan that keeps you involved in the children's lives. What you do about the wedding is just one decision and detail in your lives that will no doubt continue to include the children. And you should know how important it is that you are contributing to them in this way by maintaining a relationship with them even though their father and you are no longer together. Your ongoing involvement with them will mean so much to them and contribute a great deal to their growth and well-being as young people.

Now to the wedding location decision. I agree that of course this is your decision and it is a personal choice. It's hard to take so many people into consideration and your needs have to also be front and centre, but my guess is that you also have a high personal need to respect everyone's feelings and will be happiest if you feel you have done this in a meaningful way. I would break down the decision in this way.

#1. You would not want to split up the kids by having the two oldest attend and the younger one left out, as Rebecca mentioned in the above reply. So a wedding out of country is not going to accommodate their needs as a family.

#2. Your parents will not be able to attend if you do it here.

#3. So, perhaps there is a third option that would allow for you to celebrate with all, but at different times. Perhaps getting married in the country where your parents are able to attend makes a lot of sense, as this will be so important to them and also have a lot of meaning for you. And then having a friend's and family wedding celebration or party afterward, at home where the children will attend and play a central role and perhaps even help to plan. We did that because of distance and were able to have two celebrations that allowed family in two parts of the country to celebrate with us.

If you do decide to proceed this way, you can explain to the kids that you want to honor your parents by including them in the wedding ceremony in their country, which they would be unable to participate in if you had it here. But then you can ask them to participate in and plan a celebration here that will also allow other people to partake in that otherwise wouldn't be able to if it involved travelling. You can look at budgets and either scale down the costs of both, or really do a low-cost affair as the second celebration - even potluck can be fine. The important thing is that you are sending the all-important message to your stepkids that they belong in your life, that you need them, and that they can be key in helping you to plan and celebrate this wonderful occasion together, just in a different place than the formal wedding celebration. You could even renew your vows and do vows that include the kids in the second celebration if that fits for you.

Sometimes there are no clear cut answers and it forces us to be creative. I really believe that your kids will understand about your decision to go to where your parents are, and they will be so touched that you want to create this additional opportunity for them and that you continue to want and need them in your lives. Best of luck and once again, way to go for being such progressive stepparents - you guys are one in a million!!!

[Etiquette Now]

Great idea for the celebration to include everyone. Often people will marry in one location and have a reception, even at times more than one, so they can include everyone they love.

But, one thing we never do as hosts is to ask or expect our guests to bring the party. I'm sorry, but a potluck is not appropriate.