[TLTJRT]

My husband and I were married on Aug. 18 of this year. Long story short, he flew in from Iraq on his EML/R&R leave, and surprised me. We had planned on getting married with family and friends when he gets out of Iraq in November b/c well, we weren't going to be able to do it sooner.

He and I are very religious and we believe God has timing for everything and that there's some reason why we were meant to be married before he flew back to Iraq. (he was only here 2 wks).

He also wanted to make sure that my daughter (now his daughter.. she's almost 10) and I were taken care of before he flew back. He knew that we were covered with all of the benefits of being an army family. But, more importantly, he knew if anything happened to him that we'd be fine for the rest of our lives.
So, we got married at the courthouse here in VA Beach. No wedding dress, no uniform for him. It was he, our daughter and I and my best friend and her daugher. I'm young, just turned 28 last week. It was my first wedding. The only marriage I intend on having. It wasn't what I wanted. I wanted A REGULAR WEDDING but, we didn't have time for one.

We want to do one on our 1 year anniversary. What's the best way to go about it? What is the proper way to have a wedding and renew our vows at the same time?

[the_admin]

Since you're already married you shouldn't be having a "wedding". Don't panic! You can have either a vow renewal or a blessing of your marriage in church. You can still have many of the perks of a wedding such as the party to follow and a ceremony at church, there just will be a few things that should be different because you are already husband and wife. (for example your first dance as husband and wife, bachelorette parties, etc wouldn't be appropriate for those already married) The vows you say to each other and the service the clergy performs will be a bit different. Discuss the service with your clergy.

You can read all about vow renewal etiquette, and all that differs from a wedding, right here at our site.

Focus on the reason for the ceremony and God will guide you to the right choices.

Please thank your husband for his services on behalf of everyone at IDoTakeTwo.com and we pray for his safe return to you and his family.

[TLTJRT]

Thanks for you quick reply! I'm just wondering though.. and I've never been married, so this is all new to me. I've read the link.. but, ... I'm still wondering exactly what would and would not be appropriate to do? We ABSOLUTELY want it done by a preacher... Could we still have a dance at the reception? What kind of dress could I wear? What about my daughter? I want a wedding, all though I know we had one when we got married... even though it wasn't a real wedding.. it was at the courthouse... so, can you give me any other advice? More than anything, I can handle not wearing a big princess dress like I want to.. but, I hope he can wear his regular dress uniform.. he was going to wear his BDU's at the service.. (his combat clothes he flew here in.. but we didn't have time to get them washed)

THANK YOU!!

[the_admin]

If you're married then you had a real wedding. [] Don't downplay that sacred ceremony that bound the three of you together for life. The ceremony and the recitation of vows IS the wedding. The rest of the stuff is fluff.

But, we all like a little fluff, right? So, just add the appropriate fluff. Your husband could wear his uniform - that would be nice. You and your daughter could dress up to match the formality of your event which would depend on the where and when. A really nice touch would be to include a unity candle ceremony.
You can have a dance - it just wouldn't be the first dance as husband and wife. Call it something else and you're good to go. It may sound like semantics but the key is how the event is perceived by your guests. This is important since weddings are gift giving events, vow renewals and blessings are not. So, we need to be careful not to appear to be hosting a gift giving event for ourselves. If the marriage has already taken place then your guests may view this as just an attempt to dress up and get gifts.

Have a wonderful renewal and marriage.

[TLTJRT]

Oh trust me.. I know there's was nothing that could be more valuable than the day we said our vows.

But yes, the fluff is what I want. Thank you for all your ideas!

[Etiquette Now]

I absolutely agree. As long as it doesn't appear to be a wedding you are fine. Add inventive elements as suggested. Because this isn't a wedding, you can.

[TLTJRT]

The only problem is we do want it to be a wedding of sorts I guess. I want a wedding dress and him in uniform and my daughter in a dress with a maid of honor... so.. is there any way to work it?

[Etiquette Now]

Life is all about choices. Some choices are difficult because if we choose that choice, for very good reasons, we may have to give up something that we really wanted. This is what happened here. You had important reasons to marry the way you did. In my day it was the Vietnam war. But, when you marry, that is your wedding.

You now have another choice. You can plan a proper vow renewal or blessing of your marriage (the same ceremony) or you could plan this as a wedding. The vow renewal would be viewed as proper and positive. The wedding-like ceremony is often viewed as ...well, less than positive.

If you could only read the many emails I receive from guests to 'weddings' of married people. It isn't pretty.

To appear proper, you can wear a nice dress, not a wedding dress. Your husband can wear his uniform. Your daughter can wear a pretty new dress. But, the traditional wedding elements just don't belong in a vow renewal ceremony.

In fact, most people plan a belated wedding reception when they return. That makes sense and brings the families together. But, all of this is choice.

[TLTJRT]

Wow, I understand. Trust me, mine was this war now... I know our family is more important than wedding dresses.

Can you tell me where to find the proper ettiquette things for that? We want a reception for our family and friends.. a celebration.

What exactly is a belated wedding reception? What's included in it? Is it what we would be doing after our vow renewals?

[Etiquette Now]

Why don't you just plan a regular wedding reception, which is a bit late, in November. You don't have to wait for your anniversary. Most of the traditional elements will seem appropriate because you haven't spent much time as husband and wife. The first dance may not seem appropriate or the father/daughter dance. But, you could have most all of the other elements. Even the cake would be appropriate.

But, if you have a vow renewal beforehand, then it is now a vow renewal and the party afterwards isn't quite the same. The party would simply be a party, not a reception.

So, it would be either the wedding reception or vow renewal and party. The first is more positive.

All of the etiquette involved with the reception is in any etiquette book concerning wedding receptions. But, this could be any type of party you wish. You probably wouldn't want a receiving line because there was no wedding directly before the reception. However, you could just so everyone meets everyone else. So, read what others have included in their wedding receptions and decide what is best for you.

[the_admin]

Just having the reception - you will not have the ceremony in church that you seem to really want.

[the_admin]

I was watching the news today and saw a segment on the 10 worst reasons to get married. Guess what number one was? Financial reasons. They suggested that statistics showed that couples who admitted getting married for financial reasons (to get insurance, to have a place to live, tax refund, etc) had the highest divorce rate.

Moral of the story? Get married when you're ready, for the right reason(s) and in the manner you desire so you'll not have regrets.