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] and has gone out a couple of times, nothing serious. We are all happy that my dad is getting out and having some fun. About a month or so ago, he told me and my sister and 2 brothers that he was having "tea" with a friend. Nothing serious, just friends. Then there was a second date. Then he started introducing this "friend" to the 4 of us, one by one. By the fourth week, my father called to tell me that he is "going steady". Then, he started going home later and later....I mean 2 or 3 in the morning. Before this, my father could never stay up past the 10 o'clock news. (He is 66. His "friend" is 53.) Oh, by the way, this friend has 2 daughters, whom also have children. My father told me that one of her daughters calls him everyday, just to see how he is doing and talks for almost an hour. On the day that he introduced me to this friend, we were sitting at a coffee shop, and the daughter called my dad. After he got off the phone, he told his friend.."She just wanted to say how glad she is that I am part of the family." I thought that was very odd. Then I found out that the daughter called a couple of days later to ask him if it was ok for her kids to call him "Poppie". This is all happening within a matter of 3-6 weeks. Yesterday I found out that he told my future sister-in-law that he went shopping with the friend's daughter, to a jewelry store[unsure]. He said that he was going to propose to this friend in 2 weeks. We are all horrified. I think my father fell and hit his head really hard and is not thinking clearly. He called my sister this morning to tell her he was proposing. She, concerned that this is all happening a little too fast, asked him "Haven't you only been dating a couple of months?". My father says, "Yes, but we have known each other for many years." This "friend" turns out to be an "old friend" of my mother and father. My mother was her sponsor in AA many years ago. But my father has not been in contact with her for many years. (Or so we think). Do you think that he has been in love with her all these years? Do you think that they have been dating longer than 2 months? How could he act so impulsively? My baby brother, now 29 is having a really hard time with our father being with someone else. I must admit, when I saw them together for the first time at the coffee shop, they were holding hands and it was difficult for me to see that, having just met her. I think there are a lot incredibly inappropriate things going on here. Like, my father asking us children to pay off the mortgage of the family home so he can get a new house with his new fiance'. My head is spinning. I am having so much difficulty with this whole thing that I cannot think clearly myself. I need to tell him how I truly feel. I think that his friend is a nice person. They do seem to get along very well together. But this is all happening wayyyyyy tooooo fasssssst!!!
My dad is getting married again.
#1
mel 
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My parents were married 44 years when my mother passed away a year and a half ago. My father told me that if he ever informed me that he was getting married again that I should have him locked up somewhere. He has since taken up dancing lessons [] and has gone out a couple of times, nothing serious. We are all happy that my dad is getting out and having some fun. About a month or so ago, he told me and my sister and 2 brothers that he was having "tea" with a friend. Nothing serious, just friends. Then there was a second date. Then he started introducing this "friend" to the 4 of us, one by one. By the fourth week, my father called to tell me that he is "going steady". Then, he started going home later and later....I mean 2 or 3 in the morning. Before this, my father could never stay up past the 10 o'clock news. (He is 66. His "friend" is 53.) Oh, by the way, this friend has 2 daughters, whom also have children. My father told me that one of her daughters calls him everyday, just to see how he is doing and talks for almost an hour. On the day that he introduced me to this friend, we were sitting at a coffee shop, and the daughter called my dad. After he got off the phone, he told his friend.."She just wanted to say how glad she is that I am part of the family." I thought that was very odd. Then I found out that the daughter called a couple of days later to ask him if it was ok for her kids to call him "Poppie". This is all happening within a matter of 3-6 weeks. Yesterday I found out that he told my future sister-in-law that he went shopping with the friend's daughter, to a jewelry store[unsure]. He said that he was going to propose to this friend in 2 weeks. We are all horrified. I think my father fell and hit his head really hard and is not thinking clearly. He called my sister this morning to tell her he was proposing. She, concerned that this is all happening a little too fast, asked him "Haven't you only been dating a couple of months?". My father says, "Yes, but we have known each other for many years." This "friend" turns out to be an "old friend" of my mother and father. My mother was her sponsor in AA many years ago. But my father has not been in contact with her for many years. (Or so we think). Do you think that he has been in love with her all these years? Do you think that they have been dating longer than 2 months? How could he act so impulsively? My baby brother, now 29 is having a really hard time with our father being with someone else. I must admit, when I saw them together for the first time at the coffee shop, they were holding hands and it was difficult for me to see that, having just met her. I think there are a lot incredibly inappropriate things going on here. Like, my father asking us children to pay off the mortgage of the family home so he can get a new house with his new fiance'. My head is spinning. I am having so much difficulty with this whole thing that I cannot think clearly myself. I need to tell him how I truly feel. I think that his friend is a nice person. They do seem to get along very well together. But this is all happening wayyyyyy tooooo fasssssst!!!
] and has gone out a couple of times, nothing serious. We are all happy that my dad is getting out and having some fun. About a month or so ago, he told me and my sister and 2 brothers that he was having "tea" with a friend. Nothing serious, just friends. Then there was a second date. Then he started introducing this "friend" to the 4 of us, one by one. By the fourth week, my father called to tell me that he is "going steady". Then, he started going home later and later....I mean 2 or 3 in the morning. Before this, my father could never stay up past the 10 o'clock news. (He is 66. His "friend" is 53.) Oh, by the way, this friend has 2 daughters, whom also have children. My father told me that one of her daughters calls him everyday, just to see how he is doing and talks for almost an hour. On the day that he introduced me to this friend, we were sitting at a coffee shop, and the daughter called my dad. After he got off the phone, he told his friend.."She just wanted to say how glad she is that I am part of the family." I thought that was very odd. Then I found out that the daughter called a couple of days later to ask him if it was ok for her kids to call him "Poppie". This is all happening within a matter of 3-6 weeks. Yesterday I found out that he told my future sister-in-law that he went shopping with the friend's daughter, to a jewelry store[unsure]. He said that he was going to propose to this friend in 2 weeks. We are all horrified. I think my father fell and hit his head really hard and is not thinking clearly. He called my sister this morning to tell her he was proposing. She, concerned that this is all happening a little too fast, asked him "Haven't you only been dating a couple of months?". My father says, "Yes, but we have known each other for many years." This "friend" turns out to be an "old friend" of my mother and father. My mother was her sponsor in AA many years ago. But my father has not been in contact with her for many years. (Or so we think). Do you think that he has been in love with her all these years? Do you think that they have been dating longer than 2 months? How could he act so impulsively? My baby brother, now 29 is having a really hard time with our father being with someone else. I must admit, when I saw them together for the first time at the coffee shop, they were holding hands and it was difficult for me to see that, having just met her. I think there are a lot incredibly inappropriate things going on here. Like, my father asking us children to pay off the mortgage of the family home so he can get a new house with his new fiance'. My head is spinning. I am having so much difficulty with this whole thing that I cannot think clearly myself. I need to tell him how I truly feel. I think that his friend is a nice person. They do seem to get along very well together. But this is all happening wayyyyyy tooooo fasssssst!!!
#2
Yvonne Kelly
- Social Worker, Stepmother, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor
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It obviously feels to you and your siblings that it is happening too fast. You also didn't expect it because of what your Dad had said previously about re-marriage. Your reactions to this are quite normal because emotionally you are not ready for this, although it would appear that your Dad is. From an objective standpoint, it doens't appear to be inappropriate and whether or not he has known her longer than you had thought, or even had feelings for her prior, is really not the issue here. He had a long and I expect good marriage with your mother which all of you will continue to hold fond memories of. But life does go on and for your Dad he is probably more surprised than anyone to find himself in this position of caring for someone else, this soon.
As for the arrangement around the mortgage, without the knowledge of the details, I won't comment much on this one. Perhaps because he plans to leave the house to his children and he financially cannot maintain it and buy something new at the same time, he is giving you the option of keeping the house in the family and thereby investing in it in this way. A much simpler solution would be for him to sell the house, but perhaps none of you are ready for this. This one really needs to be thoughtfully considered and negotiated.
What your Dad is doing is quite natural and your reactions to it are also very normal. Rarely are children prepared for a parent's remarriage, and adult children have as much or more difficulty with it as younger ones. Your life is not turning out the way you expected and now you are being asked to adjust to a new person in your father's life. Of course this stirs up a lot of feelings and apprehensions. At the same time, I know that you want your father to be happy and in order to do that he needs to be able to make choices for his life that fit for him, regarless of your readiness to accept them.
There's an excellent book that I would suggest for all of you, called STEPWARS - Overcoming the Perils and Making Peace in Adult Stepfamilies by Grace Gabe, M.D. and Jean Limpan-Blumen, Ph.D. Although you are not a stepfamily (yet) it describes a lot of the dynamics that occur for adult children and parents when the parents re-partner or remarry. I think you will find it very insightful and will hopefully help all of you to begin to appreciate where the other person is coming from and what everyone is experiencing at this time. Best of Luck!
As for the arrangement around the mortgage, without the knowledge of the details, I won't comment much on this one. Perhaps because he plans to leave the house to his children and he financially cannot maintain it and buy something new at the same time, he is giving you the option of keeping the house in the family and thereby investing in it in this way. A much simpler solution would be for him to sell the house, but perhaps none of you are ready for this. This one really needs to be thoughtfully considered and negotiated.
What your Dad is doing is quite natural and your reactions to it are also very normal. Rarely are children prepared for a parent's remarriage, and adult children have as much or more difficulty with it as younger ones. Your life is not turning out the way you expected and now you are being asked to adjust to a new person in your father's life. Of course this stirs up a lot of feelings and apprehensions. At the same time, I know that you want your father to be happy and in order to do that he needs to be able to make choices for his life that fit for him, regarless of your readiness to accept them.
There's an excellent book that I would suggest for all of you, called STEPWARS - Overcoming the Perils and Making Peace in Adult Stepfamilies by Grace Gabe, M.D. and Jean Limpan-Blumen, Ph.D. Although you are not a stepfamily (yet) it describes a lot of the dynamics that occur for adult children and parents when the parents re-partner or remarry. I think you will find it very insightful and will hopefully help all of you to begin to appreciate where the other person is coming from and what everyone is experiencing at this time. Best of Luck!
Yvonne Kelly, MSW, RSW, Certified Stepfamily Counsellor and Coach, Co-Founder and Director of the Step and Blended Family Institute
#3
jah
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wow - i can totally relate to your post. When my mother died (I am an only child) and my father essentially asked me to take over all the bill paying for the family home -- and I've been doing that for 5 years now. And yes, my father wanted to date a year after my mother died -and I just lost it - cried for 2 days straight. Yvonne is right - we're on different grief timetables from our fathers....and it's so hard to understand. And yes, we didn't ask to be part of this new club - I thought my parents would be together and die old together... Five years later and it feels like yesterday and I'm still trying to come to terms with it all....
#4
the_admin
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Although we appreciate your position, as per the rules of our forum, only registered experts are to reply.
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IMPORTANT: This is not a chat room. Members should sign up to post a question but should never reply to other members. This site focuses on providing accurate and informative wedding etiquette information by experts in the wedding field. Only expert moderators chosen by IdoTakeTwo.com should reply to members.
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NO ADVERTISING: Unsolicited or unrelated advertisements, as well as announcements or links to competing products or services, are considered a violation. Posts and users will be removed (and sometimes banned) without warning.
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Search First: We have a powerful search system! For the quickest response to your questions search first. If you have too many results, try limiting the date to the last 6 months.
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