[jah]

Hi - I am an only child, female and 31 years old. My mother died suddenly of lung cancer 5 years ago, right after 9/11.( We are NYCers and were very affected by 9/11 - so it was just a horrible time) I was still living at home with my parents at the time of her death. A few months after her death, my father came to me saying he had severe financial problems and that I needed to take over the majority of household bills. So I essentially stepped into my mother's shoes, taking over household chores and such and then took on the bills as well.

In the last 5 years I've managed to get engaged and married -- and my husband has moved into my "parents" house with me - been here for 4 years now...and the both of us pay the bills. My dad and husband get along great, spend alot of time together and I think my husband moving in was good for my dad. My focus has been dealing with my grief and taking care of my dad, dog and husband.

My major issue is this - My father wanted to start dating around a year after my mother died. My parents did not have a great marriage - primarily because my father never considered myself or my mother when making major decisions - he's very self centered. My mother was very depressed throughout the years about this and we were close as mother-daughter.

My father and I had a big argument about the dating and again, he didn't really seem to care about hurting my feelings - he cared about what he wanted to do. He could not understand why I was so upset (he really can't understand female feelings) - and I explained that seeing him with someone else just hurt and reminded me my mother was not here, etc. He told me that I needed to go to therapy and "get over" my mothers death. He said he had no interest in remarriage and was seeking companionship.

His disasterous finances is a result of his decision making throughout the years and now I've spent 5 years trying to dig us out of the hole and making some, not very much, progress. The household bills he is responsible for continue to go unpaid until I nag about it. His credit card debt continues to climb. He does have a job -- but the money is not great and the hours are long. He's 65, his friends are all retired, living off pensions and traveling and such -- and he doesn't have the money to hang out with them.

So aside from how I feel about the emotional aspect of him dating, financially he cannot afford to! His friends introduced him to a woman 4 years ago. He's been seeing her off and on since then - but has kept it under wraps. I've never met her - he knows I want nothing to do with that aspect of his life. It turns out she now has been diagnosed with Alzheimers and I think soon she will need to be under supervised medical care. She constantly wants to go to dinner and other events and my father has no money to do any of these things - but of course, would never tell anyone his dire financial situation.

So I'm left holding the bills and extremely unhappy. I'm grieving my mother - miss her terribly, wish she was here...

What do I do here? We could sell our home and send my father to live on his own in a small apartment and give him some cash to try and live on -- but he's so financially irresponsible, I know he'd spend it all and have nothing left.

I just wish he and I were both on the same page here and my father realized that he has a responsibility is to me, the household and his finances. It aggravates me to no end to think that the electric bill goes unpaid for months, yet he can take this woman out to a $100 dinners...

Plus, I'm sure I have pent up emotions about all the years I watched him treat my mother badly or with no respect for the marriage..but I always believe in doing the right thing - so that's why when she died, I stepped into that caregiver role and tried to make things stable and OK and financially secure. I feel taken advantage of...

Thanks for listening... thoughts?

[Yvonne Kelly]

I agree that you do probably have a lot of pent up emotions about your Dad and how he treated your mother when she was living - that would be natural. I also see that you have stepped in and taken care of him, which although admirable, you have actually put yourself in a position that allows him to rely on you and potentially take advantage of you and your need to take care of things. I would strongly suggest separating yourself from him as much as possible financially and even consider doing what you suggested, selling the home and you and your partner going your own way. Your father has indicated that he wants to move on with his life and although this hurts you it is his choice and he's going to do whatever he wants to do anyway. Your choice can be to simply let him live his life and also feel good about choosing to live your own without continuuing to take full responsibility for him.

This doesn't have to be done in anger or out of rejection for him and the choices he is making either to date or to spend money. I would simply tell him that you have decided it is time for you to move on and focus on your life now(as he was suggesting somewhat when he said you needed to get over your mother's death). You need to be separated from him so that he can take responsibility for his life; if you stay in the position you are in taking care of everything I fear he will never be responsible and it will continue to be your burden - and where does that end? If you remove yourself, he can then make choices that will effect only his life, not yours. If he makes irresponsible decisions in your estimation, then those are his choices and you need to curb your inclination to feel responsible or to rush in and save him. You can by all means continue to be in contact and maintain your relationship, and perhaps by living your own lives and letting the other person make their own way and live with their own decisions, perhaps your relationship as father and daughter, will over time be a better one.

[Jill]

I agree with everything Yvonne has written - I cant really add anything to her words. Just make sure you and your husband talk things over and plan the future together - you need his support.