[haleycmt]

I am engaged to marry a wonderful man who was widowed a little over two years ago. He had been married to his wife for 30 years and they battled her cancer for 7 of those years. I do truly love him and he treats me with a love and devotion I have never experienced before. I am a little concerned though because about a month ago I found out that the cremated remains of his wife were sitting on the dresser in his bedroom and he finally admitted that they may be affecting him having me stay over. He moved them to his nephew's place and I still don't feel comfortable with that. I think she should have been put to rest in a mausoleum or something. Now I am seriously wondering if he had dealt with his grief. He has an appointment to go to a counselor in about two weeks or one week before our wedding. I am wondering what effect this will have on our married life together if he is in counseling for resolve his grief. He insists that he is ready to move on with his wife and has made a real effort to remove a variety of things from immediate sign in order for me to feel more comfortable as he says it is "our" house now. Am I being paranoid or do you see some cause for concern here???

[Yvonne Kelly]

The steps he's taking to make his home into your home as well seem appropriate and to be a good sign. The fact that he didn't "deal" with his wife's ashes until now may simply be that he hadn't seen a reason to remove this reminder of her until now when he decided that he wants you to take the central place in his life. The question I do have though, is why counselling now? Has this just come up recently or had he been planning on this from before? It seems not to be the best timing to be going for grief counselling so close to the time you are about to be re-married. If he feels the need to do this for himself I applaud the fact that he's doing it both for himself, for you and for your future together. It would have been preferable however to have some space between this event in his life and the next major event which is getting remarried.

Bottomline however, is that you are going to need to trust him when he tells you that he is ready to move on with you, unless you feel strongly that he isn't being truthful and is only trying to protect you. I would talk openly with him and convey your understanding of his position either way, and let him know that if he needs time to really go through the grieving process honestly, then perhaps postponing your wedding for awhile would be an option that would allow that to happen. It's also okay and absolutely healthy for you to talk openly and clearly about your wishes and needs here with respect to your future together. You have a right to move into this new life together without nagging doubts and fears that you are marrying a man that may not be finished with his grieving. Just as you convey your understanding of what he is going through, I would hope that he will also understand and respect your need for him to be honest with you. If he does need more time, better you know that now and take the time you both need, so you can feel confident about your future as your wedding day approaches.

[Jill]

I, too, wonder why counselling now - so close to the wedding. If he needs more time, then so be it, and you do seem sure of his love for you. Perhaps you are having some pre-wedding nerves - so talk to him about the things that still conern you.