[eliz7412]

My father and mother were married for over 30years until my mom passed away. My mom was sick for a long time and my dad realized a year before she went that she was not going to be around a long time. The grieving process began long before my mom passed, but it seems that my father is not acting in a healthy way. I'm not sure of what to do, so here is a synopsis:

My father says that one day he realized he was alone in the house, and since he didn't want to be, he called a woman and asked her out on a date. This day happens to be the one month anniversary of my mom's death.

He isn't just casually dating this person. They seem to be spending all of their free time together. He has given at least two of his three adult kids (one of whom was married)a lecture on what love is and telling them that they don't know what it is. He says he knows and most people don't . He also says that he has been lucky to have found true love twice in his life--once with his wife, and once with this woman who he has been seeing for a week or so. He said he knew it was true love when they went out the first time. They seem to be mentioning long term plans like weekend getaways, vacations, and such as well.

He asks his kids what we think, but then when we don't like it he acts like we need therapy from him. And when we say that we think it is too soon and fast, he says he is an adult and they both had 10 minute talk with me that they were making sure to go extremely slow. This doesn't seem slow.

My dad and his girlfriend planned to make a big dinner and at the last minute he invited the entire family to come too. In my family, my two older brothers have only brought the girlrfiends who were soon to be or already engaged to them home to meet the family. This is a big deal in our family. Also, at dinner my dad mentioned a first since our mom died--this was the first time he was able to cook a complete meal since mom died. (a month after she died and a week after meeting the woman) He thanked his girlfriend for her help.

My dad is doing things now that he communicated were wrong not long ago. These are moral and religious and nature.

My dad is taking in every word that this woman says. She says he is the nicest person she's ever met, and he will talk to someone else for an extended period of time about how he is the nicest person he knows. He tells people about his talents every day. She said he was very giving, and he tells people that he is the most giving person he knows. He seems to be priding himself in that he took care of his wife when she was sick and gave her everything he had. He doesn't mention that she gave him everything too--giving up her dreams and health. This all seems a bit arrogant to me. My dad has always been a perfectionist who has prided himself in knowing what is best for everything and not listening to anyone who says otherwise. He will put you in your place if you opinion differs. But, he is taking on the extreme of this now.

Along with acting like an intense version of himself he is buying a LOT of things. He is spending money like I've never seen. He talks about feeling so free now. He can go out and do all of the things that mom wouldn't do, like go out to eat and take trips and such. (My mom was sick and could not do these things, which it took him years to figure that out and has now forgotten that she didn't choose to be sick).

What is going on with my dad? I can't find anything about dating this soon and this fast. All of this seems too fast and too soon, but he is an adult who can make decisions for his own life. What should my brothers and I do? We don't like the situation and our dad is throwing it in our faces that he has a girlfriend and that he loves her. If we tell him that like we don't like it, there is something wrong with us, at least in his mind.

Is there something we can do to let our dad know what we think without him thinking there is something personally wrong with us? Also, is there any information for why my dad is doing what he is doing out there on the market, or advice from anyone?

[Yvonne Kelly]

I think on one hand you're definitely fighting a losing battle. You said your Dad has always had strong opinions and gone to great lengths to try to convert others to his way of thinking. He may be doing that even moreso now in this situation because he is facing so much resistance. And actually, he may feel that you, his family, are doing the exact same thing to him. You asked if there was something you could do to let him know that you don't appreciate him thinking there is something wrong with you. I'm not sure what that would be because I also think you think there is something wrong with him or else you wouldn't be writing this letter.

Bottomline he is an adult and isn't actually acting as out of character as it may seem. He sounds like someone who has always cut his own swath, only this time it is particularely offensive to you his children, because it seems to be coming out of disrespect for your mother. It is not unusual for the children of a deceased parent, especially so recently, to need more time to mourn the passing and the loss of a parent. After all you only had one mother and will only ever have one biological mother in your lifetime. Your father on the other hand, had time before she died to mourn his loss and probably out of a need to survive and get on with life, has chosen the path he has chosen. For him to choose a new partner in this life is not erasing the life he had with your mother, but come from a need and desire to move on. It would be easier for all of you if he needed the same time as you do to get used to the fact that your mother has passed; it would be more comforting and supportive of you the children. But he seems to be determined to do this his way and as long as he isn't hurting anyone in a conscious way, then this is a reasonable choice on his part.

If I learned nothing else, from living with my own father after my mother passed away, it is this - that as much as we think we know what is best for them and want to "help" them through whatever lies ahead, they will have an even stronger need to do things their own way and there isn't very much we can do about it. Is all of this too rushed - possibly. But even if it is, what is to be accomplished by challenging him on any of this? If this is a mistake he will find out sooner than later and it will have been his mistake and he will deal with it. Focus on how you can continue to have a relationship with your father, despite disagreeing with his choices and try to see this situation not as a disrespectful display towards your mother, but as a man who has been through a great loss and is now trying to take hold of his life and re-gain some of the control he lost throughout his wife's illness and death.

Don't worry about whose right or wrong. You can't change any of this but you can control how you want your relationship with him to progress from this point on. You're not alone. Adult children have a great deal of difficulty when parents decide to move on with their lives and it ranges from mild to complete disapproval. Don't allow this to destroy your relationship with your Dad and the relationships within your family. Give yourself time to heal and adjust and instead of outwardly disapproving of his actions, let him know that you will need some time to adjust to this new situation and to the new person in his life. Your feelings and responses are also real and legitimate and if you share them in a non-judgemental way, hopefully he can appreciate that. There's room here for both parties to bend a little and try to understand the other's position and point of view. Best of Luck.



Best of luck!