[MdwstWdr]

Hello,

I hope somebody can give me some advice. My wife passed away suddenly 5 months ago. Several weeks ago I received a call from my high school girlfriend. It was great to hear from her and we talked for hours. We ended up going out for supper (only supper) one night and really hit it off. We've been talking regularily since. Our contact is just between her and I at this time.

I would like to pursue this further but I just don't know what's proper or acceptable. I have one son who is graduating this year and a stepson who graduated last year and still lives with me. I don't want to hurt the boys and I don't want to hurt my wifes family who I care dearly for. There is no book and there are no set rules, at least on the internet because I have looked. Am I being selfish by wanting to date already? Does anyone have any advice on how to approach all of this? Am I wrong for feeling this way?

[Yvonne Kelly]

To answer two of your questions, I would have to say that No, you're not being selfish, and No, you are not wrong to feel that way. Our feelings can't be wrong, they are just our feelings.

I understand that you don't want to hurt anyone though and it is respectful and considerate of you to be asking these questions. You're also right, there are no rules on this, in terms of how soon is too soon. It really varies from person to person and situation to situation.

What you do know or probably suspect, it that your sons may have some difficulty accepting this because in their eyes it will be too soon. And they are your major consideration. As for your in-laws, it may be too soon whenever you start dating because their daughter is gone and this was her rightful place in their eyes. In time they will hopefully be able to accept a new person in your life, but this will probably also not be now. So how much do you let what other's need and think, influence your decisions in this matter?

I would suggest that the way you are handling it for now is perfectly fine and if you feel that keeping things low-key between the two of you for a while longer is acceptable to the two of you, then that might be the wisest decision. Even if you were to keep the relationship on more of a friendship level/dating level for the next few months, I'm sure that this will allow atleast your son and stepson some addditonal time to get used to the fact that their mother is gone. Like most children, adult or otherwise, it is usually difficult for them to watch their parent move on with their life - to them it's almost as if you've forgotten that their other parent existed, although I'm sure this is not how you're feeling.

Taking some more time and taking it slow, even for another 6-7 months, which would mark a year from when your wife passed, would probably achieve a few things:

* It would give you a bit more time to really ensure that you have the time to go through the grieving process and to make sure you're not replacing your former wife with this new person because of your loss and loneliness. I don't believe this is necessarily happening, but it won't hurt to give yourself some time. You have been through a great loss and this does change people fundamentally.

* It would give everyone else in your life, but mainly your children, the opportunity to focus on getting through some of their own grieving process, before needing to make the adjustments necessary to accepting a new partner (potential stepmother) into your life and theirs.

I would suggest using the next few months to build your friendship with this person, to take care of yourself and make sure you are prepared to make major personal changes and commitments in your life after having been through such a loss, and to prepare your children for the strong possibility that you will be indeed dating and seeing other women in the future. They also need you during this time and you can use this time to support them, reassure them that you will always be there for them, even if you do pursue a new relationship, and most importantly, to reassure them that your pursuit of any future relationships in no way takes away from the love and commitment that you had with their mother.

If they are aware that you are spending a significant amount of time with her, you would probably be wise to at least acknowledge this to them on some level. If you deny it or try to mask the friendship altogether, they will read something into anyway.

This new relationships may be the best thing for you and I hope that it is. And if you think there is real potential for this to go further, then taking a little extra time now to take care of everything else, should not sabotage the future of that relationship. And I truly believe that if you are open and honest with your new friend about your feelings and concerns, that she will understand and respect your for your position and stay the course with you throughout the next while until you are ready to share the news of your relationship with those you care about.

I wish you the best throughout this time and in your efforts to build a new and fulfilling relationship with this person who has come to be so important to you.

[Jill]

of course you are not wrong to have the feelings you describe - but do keep in mind that you have had a terrible shock and are still in the early days of mourning. It must have been great to meet up with an old friend and to feel so close. But remember, you are very vulnerable (even if you try to keep these feelings at arms length) so go very slowly with a new relationship, take your time, whilst you are dealing with your bereavement.

[misskate]

I unexpectedly met a widower only 6 months after my husband passed - but an incredibley miserable 6 months it had been. We supported each other, went to our grief (hospice) counselors to stay in touch with our realities. After almost 18 months, we're feeling like we can really live again. But for these 18 months we have been understanding and supportive companions who share common view points and values. Take it slow, enjoy, remember to give yourself alone time to heal. There's no hurry.