[dating-a-widower]

I have been seeing a widower (his wife died almost 2 years ago after several years of cancer and other ailments) for the past 1 1/2 years. From the very beginning, he wanted to talk about getting married, remodeling his house, blending our families (5 kids including 3 teenagers), etc. within a matter of months. I felt that this was rushing things and I suggested waiting awhile before making any big changes like this. However, there came a point where he stopped talking about this type of thing and instead started trying to control my schedule and my interactions with other people. Every time I was with my friends he would call me to ask how things were going and whether I would be home in time to talk to him. The next morning he would say he had hardly slept, etc. He still says he needs to see me at several designated times every day. Etc. etc. It is stifling. At the same time, he has never made any effort to help me get comfortable in his house, and it remains a shrine to his dead wife. Instead he always came over to my house. About a month ago I started insisting that we balance the visits more equally so that I would go over there more often. At around the same time, he was scheduled for some routine health tests. Suddenly he started to become a total hypochondriac, worrying about every little twitch in his body and talking about his health and sleeping patterns all the time. It was totally boring and weird. Another red flag is that he has not been able to spend a night with me yet without waking up at least 6 times and ultimately taking a sleeping pill, while I haven't slept a wink with all of his ups and downs. Finally he has realized that he has unresolved anxiety and grief from his wife's death and he is going to go to a psychiatrist and get some kind of medication to deal with it (rather than going to a counselor to talk things through). I am finding myself feeling resentment about the fact that he wasn't ready for me when he started seeing me and that he's not turning to me to help him with this, but instead to pharmaceuticals. So now he is taking about 6 different drugs for different things that he has not even tried to resolve using non-pharmaceutical options, which goes against my own style but maybe it's not a bad t hing for a guy who a bundle of anxiety. At the same time I'm thinking maybe this will give me some relief from his unrelenting neediness. I am wondering if I am as interested in him as I thought I was, but maybe this is all tainted by this new anxiety/grief situation. I guess I would just like to know if his behavior seems normal and if I'm supposed to stand by until he figures it out or just say let's take some time apart until he has dealt with his grief. So here's an extremely clingy guy who latched onto me but who still needs counseling because he hasn't let go of his wife. Needless to say this is all feeling very confusing and stressful and slightly annoying to me. Any suggestions about how I can take care of myself in the midst of all of this self-absorption by the guy I am seeing? Thanks -

[Yvonne Kelly]

To take care of yourself you first have to figure out if this relationship is indeed for you. If it is, and it is worth working at, then you need to expect that it will take him some time to work through the grief over his deceased wife. This isn't self-absorption as much as it is simply grief. Many widows or widowers "behave" this way and are not even aware that they are still grieving - he is and is willing to do something about it. That's the good part. Unfortunately he has chose to go the route of drugs only; it would be good if someone who he trusted could suggest some form of counselling or group support which could be helpful. It would be excellent if he could find a group of people who have gone through the same thing or are currently going through the same thing in their lives.

It isn't uncommon for people who move into relationships (soon after they lose a spouse) and before they have resolved their grief, to try and make everything okay by moving ahead quickely. And sometimes new partners report feeling like they are being asked to play the substitute for the dead spouse. This isn't a healthy way to start a relationship by any means, but it does happen and is usually a sign that there is unresolved feelings and grief, which is actually what your partner has come to realize. I don't believe he was trying to hurt you willingly by getting involed in a relationship with you when he still had so many unresolved issues. He may have just come to realize this himself over time and may have been in denial of his grief up to now. At the same time, this situation has caused you a lot of pain and confusion. No one has to be wrong here it's simply an unfortunate situation.

I would suggest being honest with him. He realizes he needs some help. If you can support him in getting him the help he needs, that would be a first step. Then you need to be honest with him about your needs, and if that is to take a step back for awhile, perhaps just be a friend throughout this time until things get sorted out (whatever feels right to you) then that is what you need to relay to him. You can be honest and let him know that it isn't easy for you to be a partner to him when he has so much to work through. On the other hand, if you don't want to take a break from this relationship, and you do choose to stay by him as he takes the necessary steps, let him know what you need from him in the relationship, and what makes it difficult for you so that the two of you can reach some balance and compromise in this relationship over time.

Remember that he will need to take whatever time it takes to work through the grief process, there are no prescribed timelines and everyone must do it their own way and in their own time. So you must think about whether this is the way in which you want to have a relationship at this time in your life. It will require a big commitment on your part and it may often seem like you are giving more than you are getting, at least in the beginning. So begin by being honest with yourself and knowing that neither of you is wrong here; you simply need to confront a difficult situation and do what you think is best. Only you know what you want and need and have the strength to handle. Best of luck in facing these decisions.

[dating-a-widower]

Dear Yvonne,

Thank you for the prompt and helpful reply. I really appreciate the advice and I am going to recommend your site to some other friends who are going through similar situtions.

I will let you know how things go!

[the_admin]

Thanks, Yvonne, for your thorough and thoughtful answer, as always.

As a widow with children myself, I just wanted to jump in here and address the family situation too. You haven't asked or insinuated there is a problem with the children in this relationship but, it has been my experience over the past 17 years of being widowed, having relationships, and dealing with others who have been widowed with children, that the entire family grieves and has issues that need to be addressed. If they aren't now, they also should try some family counseling. I grew up watching The Brady Bunch and I can tell you first hand that this show was someone's dream... but not based in reality with any stretch of the imagination! [crazy]

Relationships are tough enough but then factor in some grief, a few kids and in-laws and yikes... It's do-able, just not easy. Don't be shy about asking for help.

So, where do you get this help? You've made a very good first step by searching on the internet and finding our site! Feel free to recommend a visit to your man. If you are in the US, look up the Rainbows program and see if there is a group in your area. In my neck of the woods (East Coast) this group is provided by local churches and is a place where grieving families can get help. Rainbows is for all kids suffering from a loss through death or divorce. Ask you church, doctor, hospital or look in your local paper for groups.

I wish you all well...