[fox1george]

I am planning on marrying a widow this November. I am a widower. My fiancee lost her husband suddenly five years ago and I lost my wife suddenly seven years ago. We have been dating for three years.

My children (18 & 19) had trouble but are accepting this.

Her children (28 and 31) are not. We plan on living in her house for many reasons and feel it is the best choice. Her children are focusing on the fact that my children will be living in "their" bedrooms. They refuse to talk about it; simply saying we are selfish, insensitive, uncaring and that everyone they talk with says we should buy a new home.We are 60 and 62 and retiring and that would not be in our best interests. What can you suggest about their refusal to talk about this or how to respond to their hurtful behavior?

[Yvonne Kelly]

It is often as difficult for adult stepchildren to accept the changes in their parent's lives as it is for young children, just for different reasons. They are entitled to their opinion or feelings about the situation, but are not entitled to be disrepspectful and disruptive of your new life together. It is really important that your fiance talk with her children and explain that although they may have difficulty with this and may need some time to adjust (or maybe they won't), that the decisions you are making together as adults are legitimate and right for both of you and that you would both appreciate very much if they could respect your relationship and decisions, even if they don't approve or agree.

If they don't choose to speak about it right now, atleast you have articulated your joint position on this. You should not have to experience or accept their rude or disrespetful behaviour and can let them know that this is unacceptable. At the same time, try also to see how this event does change their lives forever and the way they had grown to see their lives and they may really fear these new changes. It is not an excuse for disrespectful behaviour, but in step or blended families, the challege, and often the answers, come from being able to try and understand the very different positions that other family members are in.

There's also an excellent book called "StepWars: Overcoming the Perils and Making Peace in Adult Stepfamilies" by Grace Gabe, and Jean Lipman-Blumen, that may be very helpful for both of you.
Best of Luck!!