[blackangelapril]

Hello,

My husband and I have been married for almost seven years and we are renewing our vows this June. I am reading the posts for a vow renewal and I have to say, I am somewhat taken aback by what I have read. My interpretation of what I have read is the wedding ettiquette advisors are suggesting a really low key affair for a vow renewal. That's fine if the first time you said your vows was an actual wedding. When my husband and I were married, I was pregnant and it was me him and the JP, no friends, no family. You said it was not appropriate to wear a gown. Are you actually suggesting I wear my maternity dress from 7 years ago? We are as well getting married in a church and although we are not planning attendants, I am planning on wearing a gown (not white, no veil). We will have a reception, cake, and dance. I feel this is appropriate, because although we are married, we never had a wedding. This is what we both want and our friends and family are supportive. I appreciate your expertise, but feel everyone's situation is different and should be planned accordingly.

[the_admin]

Do you have a question or are you just voicing your opinion?

[blackangelapril]

I originally had a question, but after looking at the advice on this site, I think I will just do what I planned. No one we invite to this ceremony is going view anything we do negatively. I think it's fine for you to advise on the cosmetics of the ceremony (ie the order of service or how to include your children) but to advise someone that they can't have a wedding and that "sometimes we must all deal with the consequences of our actions" is completely out of line. That's not your job and that is not what this site should be about. Again, I appreciate the IDEA behind this site, but I don't believe I will be visiting again.

[the_admin]

I don't see how that comment is out of line. The couple was a;lready married and it was obvious that the only part of the ceremnoy they were missing was the gifts and the "queen for a day" portion. The fact is that they were already married. You cannot be married again.

We do say that you can have a vow renewal. The only real differences in a vow renewal ceremony is:

1. The vows - since you are already married you would re-commit to each other and the wording of the vows would be a bit diferent than those of a couple first joining together.

2. A vow renewal is not considered a gift giving event - this is where many of the "brides" have issues. They want the gifts, plain and simple.

This may not be true for you and, if it isn't, then I don't see the harm in calling your ceremony what it is - a renewal. You can then have the gown (we never say you cannot - we say to match your attire to the formality of the event) the party and even the cake (although the cake would be more of an anniversary type of cake). You wouldn't have the the "first dance as husband and wife" or the garter and bouquet toss for the obvious reasons.

So, there are many parts of the wedding you CAN have - but when people refuse to call their ceremony what it IS - then we must question "why?"

You're free to have your opinion and do whatever makes you happy but a good host always considers his guest. If I were to receive a wedding invitation for someone I knew was married and had children already I would wonder wonder about the focus and would wonder why, if all they were trying to do was to recite their vows in the presence of the people they care most about, why they would not be having a vow renewal.

But, if you are searching for what is deemed appropriate by all of the foremost authorities on etiquette, including Emily Post, then you can go ahead and review our site. If you disagree that is your perogative but this is not a chat forum. This is a place to ask specific questions and not to debate.

[Etiquette Now]

I couldn't agree more. There are plenty of sites where wives, who want to be brides, can 'chat' about what they want to do. However, to say that it isn't our job to inform people of the etiquette involved, isn't correct. You can find cosmetics anywhere/everywhere. If you, or anyone else, wants to know if their plans will be appropriate, then this is the place to come.

Plus, a vow renewal can be beautiful and appropriate at the same time.