[startingagain]

I have been divorced for two years and have been dating a widower for six months. This is my first "serious" relationship, as it is his. He lost his wife seven years ago but did not begin dating until shortly prior to our relationship.

We are both in our late forties and have children; I was married 20 years, he was married (quite happily) for 15.

There are times I am not sure how to handle situations. Early in our relationship, he shared that he had a pet name he had called his late wife, and asked if he could call me by that name. I conceded, but every time he uses that name I feel as though there is a threesome. He has offered me her jewelry and suggested that I wear the same perfume she wore. Is this typical behavior for our situation? It makes me very uncomfortable and I find I am withdrawing from the relationship due to confusion and uncertainty. There are many pictures of her as well as them together in his house, and I respect that. This does, though, include four pictures of them together in his bedroom. I have given him pictures of me but he has not displayed them.

He has not shared with her family that he has entered a relationship. He has invited her family to his home over the holidays (for a week) and I am excluded. Thus, what I had hoped to be a very special first Christmas together will not happen. I am just very hurt, but feel as though I am in a no-win situation. If he wanted me included he would have done so . . . so I have not even broached the subject with him. Yet he says that I am so important in his life . . . Am I unreasonable to expect that we would share this time?

He has told me the he loves me and we have talked about a future together. But I am very confused, feeling as though . . . not sure what I'm feeling.

We talked recently about my feelings that he is trying to make me into his first wife and he denies that. He says he has accepted the loss of her and has moved on. I question that. I asked him prior to the anniversary of her death if he would struggle on that day. He said that it was just another day, but when it came he went into a tailspin, cancelled a date we had, and questioned that I cared about him. He has continuously asked that I confirm to him that I love him, to the point that I struggle to say the words.

I know that my scars from my marriage/divorce have not totally healed and that I have insecurities. I keep feeling as though he has not moved on, but after reading some of the information on this site I am beginning to question if the past every really leaves. Is his behavior what I should expect over the course of our future relationship and I just need to accept and deal with this and overcome my own insecurities?

[the_admin]

Although those of us who have been widowed may have different, more positive feelings for their former spouses than a divorced person might, what you are experiencing leads me to believe your man has not completed his grieving process. Have you discussed the possibility of getting some counseling for the two of you? If this relationship is to go forward there would have to be a lot of talk...

[Etiquette Now]

I completely agree. Plus, people say anything they want to say to try to make someone feel the way they want them to feel. But, actions speak louder.

Those of us who love someone want that person in their lives, especially on holidays. He really has told you volumes through his actions.

Speaking to a counselor could be most valuable at this juncture.

[Yvonne Kelly]

There is a lot here but the main thing that concerns me is that he does appear to be asking you to play the role of his past wife. This is not acceptable and denies you as a person to be who you are. And it's quite simply not a healthy thing for any relationship. I'm sure you have your own jewelry, your own taste in perfume, and certainly don't want to be called by her pet name, which is not much different than him asking if he could call you by her real name, and you certainly wouldn't allow that.

You can't or shouldn't erase the past entirely and there are lots of healthy ways of preserving those memories and relationships. Some pictures of her in the house, especially for the childrens' sake, are important. Once you have established a serious relationship however, I believe pictures of the two of them in your shared bedroom, are an impediment to you feeling comfortable and to the relationship moving forward.

It's actually more understandable that he may be having some difficulty sharing the news of your relationship with his past in-laws, and he may simply need a bit more time on this one. I think his behaviors and expectations towards you with respect to the name, jewelery etc. are more cause for concern. He may still have unresolved feelings or grief and perhaps he's not even aware that what he may be doing is keeping the memories of his past wife alive through you and how damaging this is. One thing is for sure and that is that it would not be good for you to just accept this as it is because you are clearly uncomfortable with it on so many levels and this will eventually take its toll on you and drive a wedge between the two of you.

If you truly love this man and see a future with him, then let him know that you want to move forward but think that counselling would be a good route for you as a couple to help you both resolve any issues from the past and get on a good footing for your future together. Counselling will help draw out some of these issues and you will soon find out what can be resolved, what cannot, and where you want to go from here.

Best of Luck!!

[startingagain]

Thank you for your comments . . . you have validated many of my feelings. I have been very hurt by the fact that he has excluded me from all holiday events but am trying to understand that he is not doing this to hurt me but because perhaps he simply has more work to do in the grieving process. It is a little easier to deal with when I look at it that way, but nevertheless, I am depriving myself of what I feel I deserve in a relationship.

I remember telling him a while back that words were not so important to me (i.e. the "I love you's") as how I was treated and I guess I'm feeling some of that now.

Thanks again.