[johnna]

I live in a different state from my former husband. We have been apart for well over 5 years and he is remarried. One of my biggest problems with him is that he is a TOTAL GOSSIP...always has been. He continues to call old friends of ours even long after they have tried to make it clear that they don't wish to "dish" with him about me or anything else. Our adult son also hates this trait in his father.

I am getting married again next month. We are having a tiny but elegant, at-home ceremony with just our children and our closest siblings. Only those included know of our plans. But I will be sending announcements out immediately after the wedding to about 100 friends and family members. That's the way we wanted to do it.

I know that I should have told my ex already (my fiance certainly told his former wife right after he told his children), but if I tell him he will start calling all my friends and even my extended family all over the country to break the BIG NEWS. I want the opportunity to tell family and friends in the way we have chosen. I will write a handwritten note to my former husband that will go out in the same mailing as the announcements. My son knows all this, understands, and agrees that this is the only thing I can do.

My question is this: what DO I say in that note? Any suggestions?

Thanks for your help! Johnna

[Etiquette Now]

Dear Johnna,

You really don't 'have to' tell your ex before the wedding if there is no problem with children accepting the new marriage. So, an announcement after you are married is perfectly acceptable. Just send the same announcement to him that you send to everyone else.

Best wishes,

[Yvonne Kelly]

It sounds like you've chosen to do a handwritten not, either out of consideration for your ex as the father of your children, or as a way keeping his feathers from being ruffled even more than they already will be once he learns of the news. It's really up to you what you say to him, but it may be wise to let him know that your intent in doing things this way was not to hurt or upset him, but was simply a personal choice. You may even want to say that you hope he wasn't hurt by finding out this way after the fact, but that you chose to inform most friends and family this way in an effort to keep it small and personal. That way he won't think that he alone was singled out and was the only one out of the loop.

It sometimes may seem that we are extending ourselves far beyond what should normally be expected, when dealing with our ex-spouse. However, to maintain a good working relationship with your ex, for the sake of the children, this is often what is required. And even though your own children may recognize that Daddy is over the top or out of line at times, they will learn far more from the parent who takes the high road and treats everyone, even their ex, with respect and consideration. You may even choose to make a phone call to relay this information; you will know the best way to handle this.

Best of luck as you move on in your new life and work to maintain a corial and respectful relationship with your ex, for the benefit of the children.