[tigerlily2005]

I am new to this site because I started dating a widower about 5 months ago. Both his wife and nine year old son were killed in a tragic accident about nineteen months ago. I have never been married before. Most days for us are good, some days aren't because while he goes through his bouts of grief, I sometimes feel like second best when he speaks of them. It is however heartwarming and encouraging to hear him say that accepting a deceased spouse is a task alot of men are afraid of and that he admires me for taking the job by the horns. Patience and knowledge about this situation is the key thus far. I have realised that while the road ahead will be a bumpy one, we both know the importance of living each day to its fullest and never ever to go to bed angry. Today was a good day, I will continue my posting as I am sure not all days will be like this one.

[Yvonne Kelly]

It sounds like you are taking a mature and realistic approach to the situation which can be a very challenging one for both of you. It's also normal to acknowledge feeling "second" because you are witnessing first hand how much he loved his first family. That doesn't mean he doesn't care for you and that you aren't a priority, I think you know that, but it can stir up some feelings for you that aren't so pleasant.

Taking things slowly, one day at a time, is wise. Also, for him to give himself permission to grieve, and enought time to grieve is critical for his own well-being, and in turn will also make him more ready to enter into another healthy relationship. It takes different people different amounts of time to grieve, but having you there as a supportive influence is probably invaluable to him right now.

Keep doing what you're doing and remember asking for support and help for yourself when things get tough, is not only okay, it's the best thing you can do for yourself and your partner. Take care and best of luck.