[jodkk]

I am getting married to a widower in the spring. He has a 6 year old daughter with his late wife. He has remained very close to her family and her best friends due to his daughter. They are very controlling of him...taking things of her's without asking. Taking her clothes while he was away for the weekend. Claiming everything in the house has "sentimental" value to them. We are now buying a new house and they are all putting dibs on the furniture in his house...constantly asking him what he is keeping what he is getting rid of etc.

The trouble is, he wants to invite them all to our wedding. I think he envisions us all becoming a big happy family, but they have all gotten their digs in on me in their super sweet voices, so I do not feel comfortable around them.

The trouble is that he doesn't see through them and I can. My parents do not think it is appropriate for them to come to the wedding and I am uncomfortable having to be "sized up" an "compared" on my big day.

What have other people done in this situation. Am I overreacting?


Thank you!

[Yvonne Kelly]

First of all, you're not overreacting, you're responding to a very difficult set of dynamics as a new person in this family. As far as what other people have done, it ranges from inviting everyone in all three (often four families) to the wedding, to limiting it to the families of the two people getting married. There are no hard and fast rules, except what the two of you can come to some compromise on.

Your first move is to share with your husband about what you're feeling and almost all women stepping into your situation have felt the same way. I also married a widower with two daughters and his fiirst wife's family was more involved in our family, than either of or own. In retrospect, we should have put some limits on that, making sure we had enough time just the four of us, before we gave away so much of our time to others.

I can also relate to feeling like everyone is sizing you up and making the sweet yet cutting remarks. It's extremely difficult to be in this situation. My advice is to be strong and don't compromise yourself in order to win everyone's approval. Just be yourself, ignore a lot of the silly stuff, and be confident in your relationship with your new partner. Others will pick up on your confidence and will know they can't intimidate you and may back off. This will also help you tremendously should you decide to invite any of the deceased wife's family to the wedding.

We chose not to include my husband's first wife's family to our wedding ( his decision) although they did continue to be involved in our lives in a very substantial way. My regret is that I didn't voice my opinions as soon or as often as I needed to, which led to resentment over time. Talk to your husband. If you think having everyone there from their past, will simply overshadow the other parts of your life and the fact that you are building a new life together, maybe it would be a compromise to just involve a few of the more significant family members from her side (not friends), and perhaps even have a party with all of these other people at a later date. It's important to compromise, but this is the start of your new life, and you legitimately need to be part of these decisions and feel good about the day you are planning.

You also want to start out on a good note with his little girl, and if you make too many sacrifices early on and don't begin by dealing with everything openly and honestly, you could begin to resent your role and position as a stepmother in her life which will be devastating for both of you, as well as your new husband.

Best of luck as you begin a journey with your new stepfamily!