[Tricia2749]

I'm not sure if I should post here or under blended family, but the issues are different for children of widowers. My husband of 2 months and I are working on reorganizing and redecorating their house. There are many pictures and collections from his late wife and I'm not sure how to address this and how to help his (our) teenage daughters deal with this. I would like for us to decorate with things that reflect us, and at least one of them wants to keep her plate collection in the kitchen, etc. And my husband wants to keep photos of her and their family around - I am okay with some of this, but not as much as there is right now. Are there some articles or resources either for or about kids and their mom's things and how to address this? And are there articles written for widowers about bringing a new wife into the family?

Thanks for your help.

[the_admin]

Hi Tricia:

I was on the other end of exactly what you are describing. My finace wanted me to put away some of the memorabilia too. At first, I admit, I was put off but then, as I had time to put myself in his position, I realized it must be hard for him to see us in family shots and wedding photos. He told me it was difficult for him to understand where he fit in. I think it actually kept me from moving on too. So, we remedied this by taking down the wedding photos (especially from my bedroom) and allowed the children to place the items of their choice in their own rooms. We have some family photo albums in our family room now. The kids were just fine with this, especially after some frank conversations. But, I suppose, it might depend on the ages of the kids and how long their mother has been gone too.

After some time we actually bought a house together and moved into a very neutral home environment.

Please read the following:

Remarrying a widow or widower

[Yvonne Kelly]

There is some excellent advice in the article already suggested by the site administrator, Remmarrying a Widow or Widower. I'll echo what it says there, that it is indeed a compromise between you and your partner and the children's needs and wishes should be considered. When I first married my husband, a widower and father of two girls, he removed all but one picture of his wife in the house, without talking to me, but obviously out of consideration for me. Although the girls never said anything, I've learned over the years that that was probably troubling for them. Children can get the impression that the adults want them to forget about or put memories of their deceased parent out of their mind, to make things easier on everyone else. This is the last thing you want and I wish we had known that then. It's healthy for them to remember and to be encouraged to talk about those memories and sometimes we unknowingly discourage that through our actions.

Figure out where your comfort level is with this, talk openly with your husband about what everyone needs and wants, and then start to come to some compromise. Anything the children want in their room should be standard, and even some pictures of their mom (not all) in other parts of the house could stand to reassure them that you are not a threat, nor is the new relationship a threat to them and their memories. Just the same, your bedroom should reflect your husband's and your current reality. As for the collections, remember that some of these things are just things, and only have as much importance as you give them or as much power over you as you give them. Again, compromise is important, and even if you keep some of these articles in plain view, you will balance this by to making room for your things and creating a home that reflects who you both are in your relationship together.

Remember, as second wives, it is very common to feel second best or second in line, and somewhat insecure about our partner's previous relationship, especially when the former spouse has died. But we need to keep our fears, and insecurities in check and not allow them to make decisions for us. Your ability to accept his past, and incorporate some of it into your future together, will be important to the building of this new relationship, and particularely important for his children. Let the way you negotiate this and resolve this with your new family, be an opportunity to show them that you are a real person with needs as well as person who is caring and willing to work with her new family to make sure everyone gets some of what they need. Best of luck!