[ccreflections]

My husband died 2 1/2 years ago we were married 23 years, however,last 13 years were abusive. I have 3 children ages 22, 21, and 3. Last summer my old high school boyfriend found me and recently asked me to marry him. My oldest daughter is thrilled, my 3 year old calls him daddy but my son, 21, thinks its too soon. This is the man I should have married 26 years ago but things happened beyond our control. This man is truly my soul mate. We both feel God brought us together. I'm 44 and for the first time in a long time I am truly loved. I don't want to have to choose between my son and my soul mate. I don't want to loose my son. Please give me some advise.

God Bless

[Yvonne Kelly]

I want to begin by congratulating you on surviving 13 very difficult years of your marriage to an abusive partner and secondly on your new found happiness with a partner that you believe to be the right person for you. You deserve much happiness after what you and your children have been through. I understand that you don’t want to alienate your son and feel that you may do this by marrying this man now. There may be several reasons for him not agreeing with your choice at this time and he has a right to his opinion. He may see you moving on with your life which signals to him that the life you had with his father was not such a good one and it may be difficult for him to admit that or to be faced with that. Or, he may simply be being overprotective of you, not wanting to see you get hurt again, and fears that by getting married sooner rather than later, you aren’t giving yourself enough time to get to know the new person well enough. (It would be interesting to know what he thinks would be an appropriate waiting time and the real reasons he is objecting at this time.) While his concerns are legitimate and real to him, they should not stand in the way of your happiness. For one, you have known this person for a period of time in your past, and have picked up where you left off. It has been a year since last summer so I don’t see this as rushing. You could wait for a few more months or years but in the case of your last husband you would have waited for 10 years before seeing the abusive side of him that wasn’t there or as obvious before then. There are no complete guarantees when it comes to other people or marriage, but this time around, your son may simply want a foolproof guarantee where you’re concerned.



You need to move on with your life and this decision could also bring a tremendous new opportunity and love into your life for your children who have been through so much. I’m also thinking specificially of your 3 year old who would have no memories of his/her biological father. She/he now has a chance at having a father figure in his/her life and it would be unfair to rob this little person of that because your older son is feeling hesitant or simply objects.



Talk to your son. Remind him how much you love him and respect his decisions and that you now need him to respect yours. He may not agree with you initially, or for some time, or forever, but this is your decision, you believe it to be the best one for all of you, an in no way are your actions a rejection of him. Reassure him that you believe this to be an entirely different situation than the one you had with his father and that you feel you have the right to move on and to be happy and would like the same for all of you. You want him to be a part of the family, but will respect where he’s at if he’s unable to accept things as you are planning them right now (to be married). You cannot force him to accept your decision, nor should you allow his position on this to hold you hostage. You are the parent and need to do what is best for you and your family on the whole. You want to leave the door open to him coming around and I believe he will as he begins to see how happy you are, and also his younger sibling. You also have another resource in your corner. Your daughter is delighted for you and will be a tremendous support. Let your son know that he means the world to you and that although you can’t agree on this issue right now, you want to stay close, him to you and you to him, and work through things together with no pressure coming from either side. Maintain the relationship that you have now with him and in time he can hopefully grow to accept the new situation. Being firm, clear and straightforward with him, yet doing it in a loving and thoughtful way is also laying a good foundation for dealing with other issues that may arise as you enter into building a stepfamily together.



Once again, congratulations on getting a new beginning and best of luck as you build your new family together.

[ccreflections]

Yvonne,

I want to thank you for your advise. I did sit down and ask my son what his concerns were. He explained to me that he was worried that I didn't know my fiance very well and reminded me that people change over the years. His biggest fear was that how my fiance would treat me. My son asked that I live with him for awhile to make sure as he said not a jerk. He didn't want me to go through what I had before he was being protective of me. I told him that I respected his opinion very much and could understand his concerns. I explained to him that Robert (finance) wasn't anything like his dad and to give him a chance. I told him I loved him very much and always will but this is the man I want to spend my life with and be a father to his sister.

I told Robert about his concerns and he suggested that maybe he should speak with my son man to man to explain his feelings for me and answer any questions. Robert approached my son and suggested a weekend camping trip just for the two of them. My son hesitated but in the end decided to go. It was the best thing that could have happen! The two of them had several serious talks but got to get to know each other better. They now have become friends. Robert explained to my son that he didn't expect him to call him Dad or nor would he ever try to replace his dad but he would like to be friends and someone he felt he could come to.

My son now calls Robert to ask questions, or just to see he would like to go do something with him. In regards to the moving in Robert and I have not yet but will shortly before the wedding in February.

Thank you so much for listening to me and the advice that you have given. You have helped me breathe a sigh of relief.

God Bless