[DCAurora]

I have asked that my 14 year old stepdaughter not knock on my wife and my bedroom door after 9:00 PM for trivial matters such as "where are the Cheerios"? I thought my wife and I were on the same page. Well, it came out yesterday that my wife "will not" (her words) agree to this, saying that she doesn't want her daughter to feel that "she can't come to me" (her words). I am new at being a father and I think I should be able to expect some private time with my wife. Please understand that I am not trying to tell my step daughter to not knock on the door if the house is burning down or if she is ill or has a problem she wants to discuss. It's just all the 'small stuff' that CAN wait that I wish would stop. I understand that "small stuff" to me isn't always "small stuff" to a 14 year old girl, but can't I ask for SOME private time with my wife so that we can relax and enjoy one another?

Thank you.

[Yvonne Kelly]

You certainly should be building time into your schedules for alone time with your new wife. That is not in question. However, the critical issue here is how you handle this discussion and negotiations with her. That will determine the outcome more than forcing the issue. It sounds like you’ve decided that 9:00 in the evening is an appropriate cut off time for being available to your stepdaughter. You may be feeling like you are at her disposal 24 – 7 and just need a break from the business of parenting, particularly a teenager. While your feelings and needs are well taken, there are two important things to remember here. Your wife and daughter had a life together prior to you coming on the scene and it probably involved her making herself available most of the time to her daughter, particularly if they were alone together. There is a strong bond and loyalty there which has to be respected and if changes are to be made you must tread carefully. To suggest imposing new “rules” too soon or too drastically will force your partner to take sides and this is not what you want. In all step situations, there are many conflicts of loyalties. While your partner feels a strong bond with you, she feels an incredibly strong bond with her biological daughter and cannot be forced or talked into making herself unavailable to her child. Also, remember that as a child, who perhaps has recently undergone a separation, divorce or death in her family, she may be feeling vulnerable and have needs for security and reassurance, more so than another 14 year old living in her original family with both biological parents. You can be a strong force, along with your partner, in providing this safety zone for her, and reassuring her that she is cared for and won’t be shut out. Her mother is especially tuned into these needs and will want to be there for her so her position on this is natural – it is not a rejection of you, only a wanting to be there with and for both of you. Also, if you give your stepdaughter some reassurance and more time in the beginning, as she comes to feels comfortable in the new family arrangement, she will probably just naturally give you more space.

There are many conflicts of interests in any step situation – meaning what is good for one person, isn’t necessarily what is good for someone else, and individuals needs and wishes do collide with each other. EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE NEGOTIOATED and that is mainly the job of the adults. You are also a first time parent, so give yourself some time to get used to this very new and demanding family situation. Children ( and I include teenagers here) and their needs do not abide by any clock that I’m aware of and evenings are often when these needs come to the fore. It is quite possible that she simply wants to spend time with both of you and its even possible that she feels insecure about where she fits now so she’s testing that out by coming up with many reasons to intrude on what you’ve labelled your time. She may be trying this out to find out if she will be rejected or accepted.

Your intuition that you need alone time is however, completely right on. I would suggest simply talking with your partner about this, telling her how much you want and need time alone with her to nurture your relationship together. She most likely feels the same way, but has another tug on her heart as well and that is her daughter and the time she makes for her. If you can let her know that you understand how she must be feeling and in no way do you intend to cut her daughter out, that will be important. Have an open discussion about what all the possibilities are for both of you to have time alone together – you both need it to build a strong relationship and family.

It sounds like every night at 9:00 for your partner is not where she’s at right now and you should respect that. It’s probably possible to carve out other alone time in the evenings, depending on everyone’s schedules; and taking regular time together, as long as it agreed upon by both of you, can be explained to your stepdaughter in a way that she shouldn’t feel left out. Perhaps she has evening activities that she is involved in that allow you both to get some time while she is otherwise occupied. Also, talk about date nights throughout the week and on weekends, for the two of you. Time is a critical issue and you need to be creative. Talk also about your partner making time alone for her and her daughter, time for the three of you together, and also making time for you and your stepdaughter to build a relationship as well. The more time you spend investing in nurturing all of these relationships at the beginning, and the less time spent imposing a new set of rules and standards, the stronger your family will be and the fewer issues you’ll face later on. Your partner and you need to reach some consensus on how you go about establishing time alone together, and then you can present any of these changes or new ideas to your stepdaughter in a way that helps her see how everyone will benefit from the changes. As a teenager, she no doubt is at that stage where she is at least beginning to feel the need for independence and time alone, and can maybe understand this better if it is presented to her in a discussion instead of in the form of a curfew or cut off time from her parents which she has not had before now.

You both want and need time alone together – don’t forget that. But work together to create it, not against each other. Best of luck!

[Yvonne Kelly]

Hello again. I am seeing that you have taken the time to write in at least three times over the past few months, two as inquiries and once as a response to another member. It’s obvious that you are quite frustrated in your situation with your wife (widow) and 14 year old stepdaughter and let me begin by saying that you are not alone as a stepfather, and to be feeling this frustrated as a stepparent is completely normal. It comes with the territory and I think in the case of individuals who have not had children of their own prior to becoming a stepparent, this is triple jeopardy because you are learning about children and parenting and steppareting all at once and each of these things poses unique challenges. I happen to know a little about this as I married a widower with two girls, and having never had children of my own, I went through very similar struggles. You deserve credit for recognizing that you could benefit from some outside help early on, and for reaching out for it.



First of all, in any step situation, it is the dynamics and issues that are the problem, not the individuals involved. In my first response to you my advice was to talk openly and honestly with your spouse about your need of time alone with her, to work together to create alone time for the two of you, to go slow making changes, to respect the special relationship that your wife and her daughter share and your wife’s need to be available to her daughter, and to nurture all of the new relationships in the family. I stand by these recommendations but wanted to add some additional insight having considered your situation and some of the new information you provided in other inquiries/responses.



It would seem that your wife and daughter had been alone for about 6 years following her husband’s death. From what you’ve said about the father’s day situation, your feeling that your stepdaughter may be trying to ruin this day for you, as well as your concern that your wife is spoiling her completely and that she refuses to give you both alone time, there is much here to consider. This is a classic step situation, particularly following the death of a parent who everyone continues to idolize for years after. It does make it extremely difficult to break through and take your very important position in this family, alongside your wife. There are at least two things that are extremely common in these situations and that are giving you a great amount of difficulty. One is that children often find it very difficult to accept or “care for” the new stepparent because they feel that this can be disrespectful to the other parent, in this case her deceased biological father. This may be preventing her from making an effort to have a relationship with you and it may at times seem like she’s trying to sabotage your relationship with her mom. At some level her actions may even be an attempt to sabotage your relationship because it is so difficult to accept the loss of her first family. She also had her mother to herself for a long time, perhaps enjoyed this and didn’t have the same need of adding someone new to her life as her mother obviously did. It may take some time for her to make an adjustment to this new situation.



The second point here is that parents who have divorced or lost a spouse, often overcompensate for the loss of the other biological parent by overprotecting their children or giving them everything and not expecting much in return. This can become a way of living that the two of them are both comfortable with but enter into the situation a new person who hasn’t been part of this relationship, such as yourself, and you see the dynamics between mother and daughter as quite out of balance. You described the mother’s actions as spoiling her daughter and that may be true, or it may be a combination of her overcompensating for the loss of her daughter’s father, and your lack of experience with children in general. Most adults who don’t have children are critical at one time or another of parents who they think are spoiling their children, when the parents are simply responding to the unique needs of their children as they see fit. My guess is your situation is a bit of both – mine certainly was.



I am very hopeful that your situation can be resolved so that your wife and you can enjoy your new relationship and that the three of you can begin to build a new family structure together. One exceptional thing that you’ve done already is reach out for support. Those who are struggling in the early stages and who don’t reach out for help, continue to struggle until they just don’t have any more strength – they feel their only option is to opt out and that is why there is such an exceedingly high divorce rate in second marriages.



It would be good if your wife and yourself could both educate yourselves on the dynamics of the stepfamily so that you can begin together to identify the issues that you need to work on before they become more intense. One thing that is absolutely essential to remember is that as much as you and your wife are the joint heads of the household, she is the one that needs to take the lead role with her daughter, when discipline is required, at least until you have had the opportunity to build a relationship of trust and friendship with your stepdaughter, and that may take a while. Together you can present changes and have discussions with her about what is happening in the family, and by all means you both need to discuss everything together ahead of time and make decisions together. However, if you are the one that comes across initially as the rule maker, disciplinarian, or simply the one who wants to change things, you will meet with resistance and resentment for a long time. There is a very good book which offers solid straightforward advice on how to approach the job of building a stepfamily. It is called “Stepparenting – Everything You Need to Know to Make It Work” by Jeannette Lofas. This might be a good place for you both to start, reading this book together, in the interest of making your relationship and family the best it can be. If you feel that the issues are becoming just too complex to work through yourselves, you may want to consider working with a professional counsellor familiar with stepfamily dynamics, to assist you in dealing with the challenges before you.



And remember, the majority of stepfamilies struggle with these and countless other issues and dynamics. You are not alone. In fact, the stepfamilies that are characterized by “smooth sailing” are few and far between, and very fortunate.



I wish you all the best as you continue to sort through these issues and work to achieve the life you want for you family.