[nikpipnybor]

OK, so my fiance and I have been living together for a year, our wedding date is October 14, 2006 in the Catholic Church BUT for financial reasons we are considering a civil wedding (in Vegas). We DO NOT WANT ANYONE to know- we still want the whole Church Wedding. How- or- can we do this? Our families would be crushed if they knew that we got married without them there. Will the priest still marry us in the Church- if we secretly get married in Vegas?/?

Help- I have no one close to me to answer my questions

[startingover]

From the brief info you've given, we'll try to answer your questions to the best of our abilities. You appear to be at a crossroads in your life and are facing two paths. One way would be to get secretly married in Vegas because of financial problems. Since your official church wedding date is not until October of next year, chances are pretty slim that this news won't leak out somehow. As you've stated, your family would be deeply hurt and, since you would already be married, your marriage could be blessed by the Church or you could plan to renew your wedding vows, but this is far from the wedding of your dreams.

If you choose the second path, congratulations on having the discipline to wait and the faith that God will supply your needs in your financial situation. Since marriage is a sacrament where God presides over your lives, this will start off your marriage with a clear conscience and no deception, no hiding any facts from anyone. God alone knows your hearts and He will guide you into making the right decision if you ask Him and trust His leadiing. God bless you.

[Frieda Arpoika]

My parish experience tells me that there is no way that you can do this secretly. Your pastor would have to know since he automatically will find out when he does the paper work that he is responsible for to the State. When you then tell him that the civil paperwork has already been filed, chances are he'll hit the roof because of your dishonesty. The pastors I have worked with would then postpone the church marriage, to first see if you are even serious about this marriage, since their first concern is your readiness to make a life-long commitment (that will require much honesty).
If there is a truly serious financial problem, discuss it with your families and your pastor. Maybe you can have instead a smaller church wedding a little sooner. It is the commitment that matters, not the "big" wedding. Doing a Pre-Cana marriage prep weekend with the church and thinking through your commitment is more important in the long run than a big wedding.

[Frieda Arpoika]

I did want to add something to my last post. I mentioned that when the priest who is scheduled to do your wedding finds out that you already married by civil law, he would "hit the roof" and most likely postpone your wedding. It is actually even more serios: by church tradition he should and probably will refuse to do a "big" wedding with all the trimmings. A white gown and all the fancies are not appropriate any longer when people already are married. It is no longer a "wedding" to the church but a "convalidation" - the validation of an already existing civil marriage. The priest will insist on a far smaller ceremony. Another reason to openly discuss this with your families and especially your pastor. Or just wait. Marriage is for life - what are a few months of waiting compared to the life time of a happy marriage?
Frieda Arpoika