[momdancer]

Good Morning,

My BF and I are planning to marry in about 1 1/2 yrs. My oldest child will have graduated HS and my youngest Grammar School. She will be a Jr. in HS by then. The problem is she is giving me such a hard time about moving.

The reason we have to move is my BF has his kids (ages 12, 9 and 5) 3 days a week and every other weekend. He and his wife have shared custody. So he needs to get his kids to school 3 days a week.

I have supported my kids through everything. Especially their sports, cheering, personal life. I don't understand why she can't support me now.

I don't get any support from their father...personally or financially. If it weren't for my family, we'd be out on the street literally.[]

I am currently searching for a family therapist to help us through this. Any suggestions?

[the_admin]

I had a similar issue with my teen daughter. But honestly, they're kids, and for the most part, selfish. In the first few years after my husband's death, I attended many groups and workshops for widowed parents and let me tell you the one constant was the child's concern for having their needs met. I heard kids responded to learning of their parent's death, or impending death, by saying things like, "Who will make my breakfast for me now?".

Although my daughter was very happy for me and she likes my fiance, she just did not want to move. When kids are going through emotional changes I think they like to feel that there is something constant in their lives. We did compromise and we moved to another area of our same city where we could have the new home we wanted together and she could attend school with her friends. I know that particular compromise wouldn't work for you but can you think of any other compromises that might work? One thing we did that I'm not all that proud of [blush]...we "bribed' her. We promised her a pool and she was on board all the way. Fact is that once we were settled in the new house we never did get the pool but she was really all right with that decision (she would have had to take on the maintenance of the pool). If your daughter is anything like mine, and the rest of the world's teens, she's probably become interested in the opposite sex, so maybe introducing the idea of meeting new people might be appealing. Remind her that often times the "new girl" automatically becomes popular just by virtue of being the "new girl". Talk to her and see how she's feeling. What scares her? What will she miss? Try to see thingsd from her perspective and maybe you and she can share your concerns and your joys surrounding this move and remarriage.

Our professional on blended families, Emily Bouchard, could really be of help to you. She's coached me with my children and family and, in my opinion, is the best there is (and since the death of my husband, brother, sister, dad and nana all in the last 16 years I've had a lot of therapy!). She's located in Washington but if you're not (I'm not) she can coach by telephone, email and even by online chat. I know what you're thinking; that can't work, right? I was surprised to find that Emily has been able to coach me through email and telephone and she's always been "spot on"!

Go out to her site http://www.blended-families.com and at least get her newsletters, they're a wealth of information!

You can also review the many answers she's provided for us here on this forum as well as the TopWeddingQuestions.com forum.

Unfortunately, Emily is on vacation until May 25th, but I'm sure when she gets back she'll be coming to the forum to post her answer for you. Until then feel free to chat here.

All the Best...

[momdancer]

Thanks for your reply. She likes my BF too. She also likes his kids. They're younger. the one thing that bothers her is leaving her friends, but we are only 40 minutes away. I know to a teenager that's a long way. But by then, she will be driving. She can see them on weekends. Her cheering is very important to her, and i"m not sure of their school systems cheering team.

She also feels that my BF is a little more strict and that he will control what she does. I try to assure her that he has rules for his kids because they are younger. My BF and I have discussed rules and compromise.

When we move, we will be buying a home together so that they can all go to the same High School. This will help my youngest who would be starting as a Freshman and my BF's daughter will also be a Freshman.

My daughter is a beautiful girl..inside and out. She will have no problems meeting anyone. She even talks about when new kids come to the school she's at now, how she is the one that is chosen to take them around.

[the_admin]

It really sounds as if you're on the right track. You'd be surprised about how resillient these young people are and how they learn to adapt to their surroundings. I really think it makes them better able to go on to be autonomous and well adjusted. They learn copping skills, how to meet people and if they're shy, how to work around their shyness.

Good luck with the move.

[momdancer]

Thanks so much. Like I said, it won't be happening for another yr and 1/2, but I guess if she needs to talk about it, it's better than holding it in.

She's not a fresh kid, but I don't like the idea of her telling me "I'M NOT MOVING"! I tried to tell her that when her Dad left, I could have moved to another town, but I didn't , I wanted them to have the same surroundings because I felt that the kids went through enough.

She does know alot of the sacrifices I have made (which I am not complaining about because my kids are my life), but I'm just asking for a little support now that I have found someone I want to spend the rest of my life with.

[the_admin]

Been there and maybe we just have expectations that are just too high?

Keep the conversation going...good luck!